Blood and Water (Part 2)

by crow514

Published November 11, 2019

18+ Language

In Blood and Water

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.

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The wind gently blew through Sarah’s hair, soft strands of golden brown hair falling in her eyes as she approached her house. She squinted her eyes at the flock of crows sitting in the yard, staring back at her expectantly. She walked up the empty driveway, several pairs of black eyes following her intensely the whole way. One of the crows cawed as she reached for the brass doorknob, startling her and causing her to jerk her hand away from the door. The crow stood tall, defiant and brave with its head thrown back in confidence. Sarah glared at the black birds, who continued to look at her intently.

Sarah reached for the doorknob again, determined not to let a single caw scare her so much. She had just barely touched the warm surface of the metal when three crows appeared out of thin air in front of her, flapping their wings fervently. Sarah fell back in surprise, tripping over her untied shoelace and falling to the ground. Her hands hit the ground first, grasping the rough surface of the concrete.

“Well, fuck you too,” she scowled at the three birds standing in her doorway. “Do you want food? Is that what you want?”

The crows continues to stand and stare at her, unmoving, as if they were waiting for a revelation.

“Fine. I think I still have some food in my bag you can have.” Sarah opened her backpack and started digging around until she found a bag of goldfish under her notebooks.

“Here,” she said, opening the bag and tossing it into the yard, its contents spilling on the dry grass. “Eat that and let me get inside.”

The crows cawed and rushed toward the food, with the exception of a few that continued to watch her. Sarah tied her loose shoelace before standing up and attempting to open the door. She sighed as her hand failed to turn the handle open.

Locked?I thought Jay was still home. Why would the door be locked?

Longing for the relief of relaxing and avoiding the completion of her homework, Sarah reached into her pocket and grabbed her blue house key, sliding it into the lock and opening the door apprehensively. She turned back to look at the crows again, but they had vanished. All that remained to suggest they had ever been there in the first place was a few black feathers scattered across the lawn. Sarah turned back to the house, an uneasy feeling settling in her stomach. She swallowed hard as she tried to forget the scene, as well as the events of her day.

Stepping through the doorway, she was greeted with a strange silence. A dark entry hall awaited her. Papers were everywhere, and several pieces of furniture had been knocked over. One of the flower pots had fallen and broken, leaving the lilies and soil that had been inside trampled on the ground. There was a red smear on the staircase; it looked like blood.

“Jay?” Sarah called, her voice wavering.

A thud came from upstairs, followed by yelling and the sound of people running. Her uneasy feeling returned. Worried for her sister, Sarah threw down her bag and ran up the stairs. Adrenaline was coursing through her veins as her eyes began to glow red. Upstairs was in almost as much disarray as downstairs. It looked like someone had been fighting.

“Jay!” She yelled, opening every door, hoping that her twin would be in one of the rooms.

Sarah turned a corner and was knocked down by something large, furry, and warm. She heard heavy breathing as the creature moved to stand over her. She scrambled back and stood up, only to find herself looking at an overly excited grey and silver dog. It took a step forward, tail wagging. Sarah growled, baring her small fangs. Her eyes flashed red again. The dog dropped its gaze and backed up.

“Sarah!” Sarah looked up to find Jay standing at the end of the hallway. Relief washed over her. “Sorry, don’t mind him,” they said, pointing to the dog. “Lucian, come here.”

The dog, Lucian, looked at Jay, tail wagging once more. He turned and padded happily over, nudging Jay with his muzzle,enough to nearly knock them over. Jay turned to Sarah, who was still eyeing Lucian suspiciously.

“Hey, what’s up with your eyes?” Jay asked, taking a step forward. “They look kinda red. Have you been crying?”

“They’re fine, and so am I.” Sarah said, hiding her face until her eyes returned to their natural color. “What’s up with the dog?”

“Uh, one of our neighbors got a new dog. His owner didn’t want to leave him alone while they went to work, so I volunteered to watch him.”

“And you brought him here?!” Sarah exclaimed, frustrated.

“N-no!” Jay stuttered. “I, uh, left the door unlocked and he got out. Did you know he can open doors? He’s really good at it, too. Anyway, he got out of our neighbor’s house and I was chasing him around for a bit.”

Sarah folded her arms and raised an eyebrow. “That still doesn't explain why he’s in our house.”

“Well, I, uh, came here to get something to try to get him to come back, but he followed me inside the house and started running around! I’ve been trying to catch him in here for a while, know. That’s why downstairs was such a mess, and why I didn’t respond right away when you called my name. I was busy with him. Wolfhounds are really hard to catch, you know.”

“Whatever you say, Jay.” Sarah was still suspicious of them, but decided to let it slide. Jay wouldn’t actually lie to her, and she knew that. They just had a bad habit of omitting parts of the truth.

“Anyway, now that I’ve got Lucian, I’m going to bring him back home.” Jay rushed past Sarah, Lucian hot on their heels.

Sarah walked over to one of the large windows facing the street, careful not to step on anything. She peered out in time to see Jay and Lucian make their way down the driveway. Just before they moved out of sight, Sarah could’ve sworn she saw Lucian stand up on two legs and walk like a human would.

Don’t be ridiculous, she thought to herself. You’re just seeing things because you’re stressed.

Sarah went back downstairs to grab her backpack. Once at the bottom of the stairs, she looked at the disaster that had been left behind. It looked like a tornado had torn through the house, not a dog. She noticed that the couch in the living room had been knocked over, dark red paw prints staining the gray fabric.

I should probably help Jay clean this up…I know mom’s going to be home soon, and she wouldn’t be very happy to see this… Sarah glanced at the mess one more time. You know what? No. Jay can clean this up themselves. Their mess, their problem.

Backpack in hand, Sarah climbed up the stairs, the bloody paw prints burning in her mind as she walked. The comfort of her familiar room was within reach. Her footsteps felt heavy as her head ached at her situation. Everything’s a mess, she thought to herself. I’m seeing things, I feel dizzy all the time. Nothing feels normal anymore. Not even coming home.

Sarah was greeted by familiar yellow walls and smiling posters. She took off her shoes, carefully placing them on the metal rack next to her door. She tossed her backpack onto her bed before sitting at her desk. She swept her arm across the surface, pushing pens, brushes, paper, and assorted paints to the ground in order to make room for her computer. She reached into the drawer on the left side of the desk and pulled out a small grey laptop and a pair of white and pink headphones. She put on the headphones and opened her computer. Music immediately started playing.

Alright,” Sarah said to herself, yawning from a long day, “Let’s see if I can get some work done.”

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
Shady
Review
Shady wrote a review Review · Jan 11, 2020

Heya crow,

I saw you had another part of this story in the Green Room from quite a while ago and I enjoyed the first part, so I'm here for a second review! You already know my style at this point so let's jump straight in...

Sarah fell back in surprise, tripping over her untied shoelace and falling to the ground.


I would've liked a bit more foreshadowing on this one. Maybe as she's walking up to her house have her notice her shoelace is untied or something. As it is, this seems more like a plot device, like oh-yeah-btw-her-shoe-lace-is-untied-so-now-she-can-fall, you get what I mean? I would suggest mentioning it earlier so it feels more organic when she falls over it, instead of seeming a bit dramatic, as her other reactions had been in chapter one, which I already mentioned in the first review.

“Well, fuck you too,”


So, I see you've got this rated 16+ for language, so thank you for that! However, YWS rules are that an f-bomb is an automatic 18+ rating. No worries, you're not in trouble or anything, but I'm going to go ahead and bump this rating up to 18+ and thought I'd mention it so that you know in the future and also so you'll know why it was changed ^.^

Locked?I thought Jay was still home. Why would the door be locked?


Just a stylistic note, but if you italicize thoughts it's easier to distinguish them as thoughts, so I'd recommend you italicize these.

“They’re fine, and so am I.” Sarah said, hiding her face until her eyes returned to their natural color. “What’s up with the dog?”


Oh, that's interesting? Can she feel a difference between her red eyes and normal eyes? That'd be an interesting aspect to explore. Also, I assumed in the first chapter that it's her pupils changing to a red color. If that's the case, and Jay saw, I'm pretty skeptical that they would just think it was her crying.

Sarah was still suspicious of them, but decided to let it slide. Jay wouldn’t actually lie to her, and she knew that. They just had a bad habit of omitting parts of the truth.


Okay judging from these pronouns I assume Jay is enby, but I'd still like to know how they relate to Sarah. Sibling? Friend? And I stand by what I said about that relationship needing to be clarified in chapter one as well.

Sarah could’ve sworn she saw Lucian stand up on two legs and walk like a human would.

Don’t be ridiculous, she thought to herself. You’re just seeing things because you’re stressed.


I mean, you're a vampire, Sarah. And you think a shape-shifter is out of the question? Mmmmm, I'm not super buying it.

~ ~ ~

Okay! I really like this progression in part two of your story! It really magnifies the intrigue of the whole situation. Now not only am I wondering what the deal is with Sarah becoming a vampire, but I'm also curious about Jay and Lucian as well. It seems like the whole family? has secrets, and I'm curious to know how this progresses as your story unfolds.

I like your inclusion of animals in this chapter. The crows make things more mysterious/eerie, and then Lucian as a potential shape-shifter? That's super cool. I would still like to know more about how the characters look. Like, now we've got a hair color for Sarah too, but is she white? Asian? Hispanic? Black? Something like ethnicity is a pretty big part of the visual appearance of a character and by the end of chapter two I should definitely have a better idea of what she looks like -- same goes for Jay.

This was a nice chapter, though! Definitely a lot of interesting things happening in this family?/friends? group and makes me curious to know what happens next.

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)

Thanks again for your feedback! Thanks for bumping the rating up to 18 . I usually italicize thoughts, but I guess I forgot to do it here. I'll fix that later. It is her pupils that change, but I had Jay ask if she was crying because Jay also has a supernatural secret but doesn't want Sarah to become suspicious. Plus, Jay asking anything else would've caused Sarah to panic and as a storyteller, I'm not ready for both of them to know everything. I realize after I posted that Sarah not thinking about the possibility of a shapeshifter was a little weak, and the only reason I can think of is that she's still in denial about her own situation. Again, this is just a rough draft and I appreciate all of your comments. They really help me make sure my writing, and this story in particular, get to be as good as they can be. :)

Random avatar
KatjaDawn
Review
KatjaDawn wrote a review Review · Nov 12, 2019

Hey crow514! Katja here to review your second part to "Blood and Water". As always please feel free to disregard any comments or suggestions I make should you find them to be unhelpful. With that being said, let's get into the review!

Overall Thoughts

I like the progression of the story so far. Sarah's sister (I do believe I thought Jay was her brother in the last review) seemingly is hiding a secret just as intriguing as Sarah's. She returns home to find a grey/silver wolfhound with her sister and she has a very hole-filled story about why. As Sarah watched her sister walking away with the hound, she thinks she sees him standing up like a human. Hmmmm... Werewolves and Vampires :D

So after finishing this part, my first thought was honestly "Does she not consider the hound could be a werewolf? Did her teacher, who turned her, not inform her of their existence? How old is her sister- she seems to not be the same age, given in the first part she didn't go to school with Sarah and is still home when Sarah gets back. Where are their parent(s)- There is no parent home before Sarah goes to school and no parent all day, either, so Sarah is home alone all day it seems. The world is a bit undefined at this time, but since we're only two parts in that's alright- I just thought I should clarify some of the questions that arose upon completing part two.

I really enjoy the descriptions you put in place- for example, the way you describe Sarah's hair in the beginning

...soft strands of golden brown hair falling in her eyes...


and the way you describe her room in the end...

Sarah was greeted by familiar yellow walls and smiling posters.


Very nicely done! :)

Suggestions

The wind gently blew through Sarah’s hair, soft strands of golden brown hair falling in her eyes as she approached her house.


The second mentioned "hair" in "...golden brown hair..." is not necessary and sound repetitive since you already show that it is her hair you are referencing. It sounds better if you remove it- in my opinion.

Locked?I thought Jay was still home. Why would the door be locked?


A space is needed between "Locked?" and "I thought" ~~ I also recommend italicizing these since they are character thoughts to make them stand out from normal text and dialogue Also, you seem to do this further into the text so it will also help maintain consistency.

Alright,” Sarah said to herself


Quotation needed at the start of this sentence: "Alright,"...

Apart from that, I recommend expanding on the world a bit more. The characters seem to be underage, and the parent(s) have been non-existent so far. The mother is mentioned but there's no clarification as to why she is gone before her daughter wakes up for school and she is still gone when Sarah returns home... It could be as simple as saying "...will be home from work soon..." or some explanation slipped into the story somewhere. The teacher is a vampire and turned her, we don't get much information about him apart from that... she doesn't seem to entertain the idea of werewolves and we have no idea how much the teacher has told her... she's been changed for 6 months so how much does she know? It's good to have questions leftover after reading, they keep the reader hooked and waiting for the next chapter/part... But a little more information could help the reader understand the world inside your story.

That's all I have for suggestions!

Summary

I love the progression so far and we get to see more of the relationship Sarah has with Jay and her family dynamic so far. I like the introduction to the *possibility* there are werewolves via Sarah's sibling, Jay. Jay seems to have secrets just as Sarah does. I really enjoy the pace so far, but with a little extra information and world development, I think the story would benefit some.

Overall, I'm hooked and I'm looking forward to part three. :)

I hope my review was helpful to you,

Keep Writing,

~Katja

Thanks again for the feedback! To clarify on Jay, they are actually nonbinary, which is why I rarely use gendered pronouns for them. Jay is Sarah's twin. However, because of debilitating social anxiety, Jay is homeschooled, while Sarah actually attends school. I'll try to make all of that more obvious in later installments. I'm really glad you like my story so far!

No worries! Very cool, I can't wait for the next part! :)



I am deeply disturbed by your ability to meow.
— Carina