z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language

Blood and Water (Part 1)

by crow514


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Bzzzzzz bzzzzzzz bzzzzzzzz bzzzzzzz bzzzzzz bzzzzzz

“Ugh,” Sarah fumbled for her phone in the dark room, eyes barely open.

Bzzzzzz bzzzzzzz bzzzzzzzz bzzzzzzz bzzzzzz bzzzzzz

“Where is it?” She grumbled. She looked over the edge of her bed, trying to see if it had fallen onto the floor.”

“Boo!” The lights flashed on.

“Ahhh!” Sarah yelled, startled, as she fell out of bed. “What the hell, Jay?”

“Sorry!” Jay laughed. “I thought you were more awake.”

“Clearly I’m not,” growled Sarah. “Did you hide my phone? It’s not plugged in like it should be, but I know it’s somewhere. I can hear it.”

“Did you check under your pillows? I know you have a tendency to fall asleep with it in your hand, especially when you are texting late at night with Logan. Which, based on the giggling coming from your room last night, I’m guessing is what you were doing.”

“I was not!” Sarah yelled.

“Whatever you say~” Jay winked and walked out of the room.

Sarah crawled back into bed and started looking for her phone again. Moving her pillows, she found her journal and a small sketchbook, but no sign of her phone.

“Jay!” She yelled, “call my phone! It’s not under my pillows, and I can’t find it anywhere else!” Gay ™

There was no response at first. Then, Sarah heard a familiar yet irritating ringtone sounding from the wall next to her bed. “Gotcha,” she grinned, pushing her bed away from the wall so she could reach the phone.

“Thank you, Jay,” she said sweetly, answering the phone.

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Hurry up. You need to get going ASAP. The bus isn’t going to wait for you.”

“The bus?”

“Sarah, it’s Monday. You have to go to school.”

“Shit!” Sarah yelled, hanging up the phone. She quickly put on jeans and a t-shirt and grabbed her backpack and flannel as she flew down the stairs and out the door to the bus stop.

~

Sarah looked at the clock, anxious for her last class to end. 2:55 the clock said, its red numbers glowing brightly in the dimly lit room. Her teacher, Mr. Powell, was having them watch part of a documentary. Sarah wasn’t really sure what it was about, though; she hadn’t been paying attention enough to have any idea. So, she continued to watch the clock and wait for the bell to ring as the voice from the documentary droned on in the background.

Riiiiiiiiiiing

Sarah sat up straight as soon as she heard the bell ring. All around her, her peers stood up and put their things away, talking loudly as they did so. Sarah shoved her work in her bag and tried to sneak out the door with the crowd.

“Sarah!” Her shoulders slumped. “Don’t go anywhere. I want to talk to you.”

Sarah walked back to her desk in defeat and waited for the rest of the students to exit the room completely. Mr. Powell closed the door, making sure to lock it, and then closed the blinds so no one could see into the room.

“Can you turn one of the lights off too, please?” Sarah asked.

“No problem,” He said, flipping the switch. “So, how are you?”

“My head hurts during the day, but otherwise I’m fine.”

“Okay, that’s not bad. I mean, it still is bad, but better than last week. How’s your diet? Are you eating okay?”

“It’s still… weird. I don’t like the taste of… it. I’ve tried to supplement it with ketchup to fool my body, but I don’t think it’s working…”

“No, no, no. Ketchup definitely won’t do. Just because it’s a red liquid doesn't mean you can have it. It doesn't have nearly all of the nutrients found in blood to keep your body functioning.” Sarah threw up a little bit in her mouth. “Animal blood is better for you, but it’s still not enough. Coconut water also works if it’s an emergency.”

“I know but-”

“No buts, Sarah! You’re a vampire. You need to get used to this! Nothing can change what you are now.”

“You can’t rush me! Everything is still new to me…”

“Nothing is new anymore! You turned 3 months ago. You’ve had plenty of time to get used to this change. If you don’t take care of yourself properly, you will die.”

“I should already be dead!” Sarah stood up, her pent up anger exploding. Her eyes glowed red with power. “Those… things had already killed everyone else, and I was a good as dead anyway. I was okay with it; I was ready to go! But then you just had to play hero and turn me. I didn’t want this! Any of this! I wish you had let me die!”

Mr. Powell stared at her dumbfounded for a while. Finally, her breathing slowed and her eyes returned to their normal gray. She looked up at Mr. Powell, realization spreading across her face.

“I-I’m sorry. I didn’t really mean it. I appreciate you saving me. I’ve just been… stressed. School is a nonstop thing, and no one else knows that vampires even exist, so I really can’t talk about what’s going on. Not to mention I’m always so fucking hungry! Nothing I eat, or even drink, really helps.”

“That’s normal, especially when you haven’t had the right food. Here,” Mr. Powell said, pulling a small bag full of a red liquid from a hidden drawer in his desk. “I keep some extra blood locked away in case of emergencies. It’s not as good as fresh blood, but it’s something.”

“Thanks,” Sarah took the blood awkwardly.

“You can go now, if you want. Just make sure you actually drink that. You know I’ll find out if you don’t.”

“I know,” she said, slinging her backpack over her shoulder.

The hallways were completely empty, with the exception of the occasional teacher. Sarah walked in silence, doing her best to hide the bag full of the red liquid before she got outside.

“Boo!”

“Ahhh!” Sarah yelled, almost dropping her bag. “Logan! Not funny!”

“I thought it was,” Logan smiled playfully, nudging Sarah’s shoulder. “Did you have a club or something today? You’re usually not still at school once the buses leave.”

“I had to talk to one of my teachers about something.”

“Okay. Do you have a ride home?” They blinked suspiciously at the clear avoidance of the topic, but let it slide anyway, shrugging it off.

“I was going to walk.”

Logan scowled. “You sure? It’s really hot out today, and I know you don’t like being in the sun for long periods of time.”

“I’ll be fine,” Sarah said. “It’s not like I live that far away. Besides, you probably need to get home too.”

Logan sighed, realizing that there was no use arguing with Sarah. She was definitely hiding something, but if she didn’t want to tell them than there was nothing they could do. “Fine. Be careful, though, alright? If it turns out you died on the way home I’m going to kill you.”

“Please, when aren’t I careful!” Sarah laughed, and when Logan raised an eyebrow, she quickly said, “You know what? Don’t answer that.”

Logan shook their head. “Get out of here, dork.”

They waved goodbye as Sarah walked out the front door. As soon as she stepped outside, Sarah was confronted by the sudden brightness of the sun. She staggered back slightly, but not enough for Logan to notice. She regained her composure, then began the trek home.


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Sat Jan 11, 2020 11:10 pm
Shady wrote a review...



Hey crow,

Shady here with a quick review for you this fine evening! I'll give my line-by-line comments then give a summary of my overall thoughts at the end. Let's get started...

“Where is it?” She grumbled.


I noticed you have issues with punctuating dialogue in a few different places, so I thought I'd comment on it real quick. When your sentence ends in anything except for a period, you should have the next letter being lowercase. In this case, your sentence should be:

"Where is it?" she grumbled.


Same thing a few lines down where you have this:

“Jay!” Sshe yelled, “call my phone! It’s not under my pillows, and I can’t find it anywhere else!”


And also:

“Whatever you say~” Jay winked and walked out of the room.


I tend to use the ~ punctuation a lot when I'm chatting, especially on YWS, but it's not proper punctuation for actual writing. You should just have a period here since it's immediately followed by an action.

This meme really sums it up nicely so I'll leave you with this:

Image

Mr. Powell closed the door, making sure to lock it, and then closed the blinds so no one could see into the room.


o.o That's really creepy.

“Ahhh!” Sarah yelled, almost dropping her bag. “Logan! Not funny!”


One thing I've noticed is that Sarah has really dramatic reactions to things lol. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it is something you might want to keep an eye on to make sure it doesn't get out of hand. I mean, even my most spook-able friends don't literally fall out of bed or drop what's in their hands (especially if it's important) if they get scared by someone. You just want to make sure you've got realistic characterization, which means having believable reactions to the situations your characters face.

~ ~ ~

Overall, this is a decent start to your story! I like that we get to meet Sarah and Mr. Powell, who ostensibly is going to be a big part of this story as well, as her vampire mentor. My major critique so far is I'd like to see a lot more imagery in your story, so I can really get a sense of the scene opening in front of me.

For example, I have no idea what Sarah looks like, and she's the main character so I should have at least a little bit of an idea. I know her eyes are grey, from her outburst in the classroom, but otherwise, I don't know anything about her. My real name is actually Sarah so I'm kind of defaulting to assuming she looks like me lol but she could be any number of combinations of height, weight, ethnicity, hair colors, etc. so you really should have a description of her so we know what she looks like.

The same goes for your other characters. At this point, I have no idea how Jay relates to her. A brother? Sister? Friend? They don't really come across as a parent/authority figure-esque type of person, but Jay is a really gender-neutral name so I've got no idea how to envision this character or how they're related to Sarah.

And you've got a lot going on here in one short chapter -- from waking up, to school, to meeting with the teacher, to going home. We meet Sarah, Mr. Powell, Jay, and Logan. It's a lot going on. There's nothing wrong with slowing things down and taking a step back, so you can add in more details so we've got a solid grasp of the world as we're reading. I already can tell it's going to be interesting to see Sarah learning how to be good at being a vampire lol so a bit of world-building would be helpful as well as you're setting up this story.

Hope this helps! Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




crow514 says...


Thank you so much for your feedback! The reason I had Sarah get so spooked when Logan surprised her was because that's generally how I react when I'm super worried and focused on something and someone tries to scare me. (Sarah is a bit of a self-insert, what can I say) Jay is supposed to be nonbinary, hence the gender-neutral name and the use of they/them pronouns, as well as Sarah's sibling. I'll try to make that more clear. I have every intention of pacing things out better later, but this is just a rough draft that I want to put out there to get feedback so I can make the final copy as good as it can be. Thanks again!



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Thu Nov 07, 2019 11:49 am
KatjaDawn wrote a review...



Hello crow514, Katja here to review your first chapter! And also welcome to YWS. As with all of my reviews please feel free to disregard any and all comments or suggestions I make if you find them to be unhelpful. With that being said, lets get into the review~

Overall Thoughts

I really like this story so far, which seems to be about a young girl/teen named Sarah who has recently been turned into a vampire by one of her school teachers. It is hinted when the two talk that she was attacked along with others and he was able to save her from death by turning her. We are introduced to the character "Jay" who I am assuming is her brother and Logan who is her friend. The teacher, "Mr. Powell" informs Sarah that if she doesn't start eating blood and taking care of herself in general, that she will die. Since we know she has been turned for about 3 months, we can assume he has given her the lecture about what he is, how to live, etc. but given that she is a minor, she seems to live with her parents and I am equally assuming they don't know. Risky turning a teenager~

I am intrigued by the plot so far and I look forward to learning more about your version of vampires. I would also like to see more character development for Mr. Powell and see how the day he turned her happened since there are many missing pieces of information.... Like Was she fully functional right away? Is she a danger to humans? Why did he decide to turn her? Who attacked her and the others she said were dead already? Just some questions that arose upon finishing~

I like your pace for the most part, though the jumping from her trying to find her phone, to the school day being over already was a pretty big jump.

“It’s still… weird. I don’t like the taste of… it. I’ve tried to supplement it with ketchup to fool my body, but I don’t think it’s working…”


This part made me laugh! She tried ketchup to trick her body into thinking it was blood, that is pretty funny~

Suggestions

“Where is it?” She grumbled. She looked over the edge of her bed, trying to see if it had fallen onto the floor.”


The quotation at the end of this sentence is not needed.

“Whatever you say~”


instead of "~" a comma should be used.

“Jay!” She yelled, “call my phone! It’s not under my pillows, and I can’t find it anywhere else!” Gay ™


I'm a little confused about the " Gay ™ " at the end of this sentence. It doesn't seem to be apart of dialogue or have purpose.

Apart from that there are a few areas where "Sarah" is repeated and could instead have a pronoun (she) in it's stead to avoid the repetition of "Sarah".

For example.....

“Ahhh!” Sarah yelled, almost dropping her bag. “Logan! Not funny!”

“I thought it was,” Logan smiled playfully, nudging Sarah’sher shoulder.


I suggest going back and reading through your chapter to find places like this where it may sound a bit too repetitive. Just my opinion of course.

Summary

I like what you have so far. As far as a teen fiction goes. You're doing very well. I love the title, it is actually what grabbed my attention. It brought to mind the way blood appears when dropped into water. I like your main character so far and with a little more characterization of important characters in the coming chapters (paced and spread throughout chapters so as to avoid giving away all the information right of the bat which eliminates suspense, and avoid forced exposition) you have a very good basis for a novel.

I hope my review was helpful,

Keep Writing,

~Katja




crow514 says...


Thank you so much for the feedback! The "Gay %u2122" was definitely not on purpose. I'm writing the story on a google doc and my friends like messing with me by putting that in random places. I can't believe I didn't catch that one... I'll definitely keep all your advice in mind when I keep writing and when I go back and edit things later.




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