Hey crow,
Shady here with a quick review for you this fine evening! I'll give my line-by-line comments then give a summary of my overall thoughts at the end. Let's get started...
“Where is it?” She grumbled.
I noticed you have issues with punctuating dialogue in a few different places, so I thought I'd comment on it real quick. When your sentence ends in anything except for a period, you should have the next letter being lowercase. In this case, your sentence should be:
"Where is it?" she grumbled.
Same thing a few lines down where you have this:
“Jay!”Sshe yelled, “call my phone! It’s not under my pillows, and I can’t find it anywhere else!”
And also:
“Whatever you say~” Jay winked and walked out of the room.
I tend to use the ~ punctuation a lot when I'm chatting, especially on YWS, but it's not proper punctuation for actual writing. You should just have a period here since it's immediately followed by an action.
This meme really sums it up nicely so I'll leave you with this:
Mr. Powell closed the door, making sure to lock it, and then closed the blinds so no one could see into the room.
o.o That's really creepy.
“Ahhh!” Sarah yelled, almost dropping her bag. “Logan! Not funny!”
One thing I've noticed is that Sarah has really dramatic reactions to things lol. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it is something you might want to keep an eye on to make sure it doesn't get out of hand. I mean, even my most spook-able friends don't literally fall out of bed or drop what's in their hands (especially if it's important) if they get scared by someone. You just want to make sure you've got realistic characterization, which means having believable reactions to the situations your characters face.
~ ~ ~
Overall, this is a decent start to your story! I like that we get to meet Sarah and Mr. Powell, who ostensibly is going to be a big part of this story as well, as her vampire mentor. My major critique so far is I'd like to see a lot more imagery in your story, so I can really get a sense of the scene opening in front of me.
For example, I have no idea what Sarah looks like, and she's the main character so I should have at least a little bit of an idea. I know her eyes are grey, from her outburst in the classroom, but otherwise, I don't know anything about her. My real name is actually Sarah so I'm kind of defaulting to assuming she looks like me lol but she could be any number of combinations of height, weight, ethnicity, hair colors, etc. so you really should have a description of her so we know what she looks like.
The same goes for your other characters. At this point, I have no idea how Jay relates to her. A brother? Sister? Friend? They don't really come across as a parent/authority figure-esque type of person, but Jay is a really gender-neutral name so I've got no idea how to envision this character or how they're related to Sarah.
And you've got a lot going on here in one short chapter -- from waking up, to school, to meeting with the teacher, to going home. We meet Sarah, Mr. Powell, Jay, and Logan. It's a lot going on. There's nothing wrong with slowing things down and taking a step back, so you can add in more details so we've got a solid grasp of the world as we're reading. I already can tell it's going to be interesting to see Sarah learning how to be good at being a vampire lol so a bit of world-building would be helpful as well as you're setting up this story.
Hope this helps! Keep writing!
~Shady
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