Death knocks at every door,
Someone here’s a sound,
Some knows who’s coming and go the long way round,
But most answer the door, excited for the day,
But death tells them ‘Sorry you must stay’,
But some people wait for death,
They want to know what happens next,
Some are so unhappy, they want death to knock,
In fact they call him up, make him walk,
And death looks at some people with a deep frown,
“It isn’t your time yet, you can stay now”,
But the people don’t listen and they always get hurt,
And death continues his duties along the murk
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hey there!
This is a very interesting poem, as you personified death and made it seem almost like a person. I really enjoyed reading it! I do have a few suggestions, which you don't have to take if you don't agree
One thing I would recommend is capitalizing "death." Since you are personifying it, and you gave it pronouns, it would make your poem stronger. It would then really establish death as some sort of a being.
Another thing I would recommend is using stanzas. Stanzas make poems easier to read and less intimidating. I think that would also make your poem stronger.
Your rhyme scheme is pretty consistent, except for the first line. If you omit the first line, it's an AA, BB, CC, etc. pattern. But if you include the first line, it's an A, BB, CC, etc. pattern. I would personally add a line that rhymes with the first line to make your rhyme scheme more consistent.
Now on to some grammar related things!
"Someone here’s a sound,"
I believe you meant "hears" instead of "here's"
"Some knows who’s coming and go the long way round,"
It should be "Some know"
But death tells them ‘Sorry you must stay’,
You used the wrong quotations, and the comma goes inside the quotations, and I would put more commas to make it grammatically correct since you've been doing that all along, so it should be like this:
But death tells them, "Sorry, you must stay,"
"But most answer the door, excited for the day,
But death tells them ‘Sorry you must stay’,
But some people wait for death,"
You start each line with "but" three times in a row. To avoid unnecessary repetition, I would change up some of the words. You can even eliminate some of the but's all together.
“It isn’t your time yet, you can stay now”,
Like the previous example, the comma should go inside the quotations, so it would be like this:
"It isn't your time yet, you can stay now,"
That's all I have to say! Overall, this was a unique, interesting, and lovely poem, and I enjoyed reading it. Keep writing!
Hello @crimsonrose06
I am here to review your poem. I loved your poem. What I particularly liked about it is it's theme. Though it is a dark theme but it has been written quite wonderfully.
The feeling of despair certain people experience has been reflected in a good manner . It hurts me how people lose hope in life and surrender themselves before death even when there is time left.
For your work, I have only one remark, superb!
Great job and keep it up. I would certainly love to read more of your write-ups in future. And yes don't forget to read mine as well. I would love to know your views on my write-ups .
As for now, good luck for future!
Best wishes
Mahira
Hi crimsonrose!
I'm going to try to review your poem. I'm pretty new here, so I don't really know how this reviewing process is supposed to work. Still, I'm going to give it a shot, based on how I've seen other people review things.
If I sound mean, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to and I am just trying to help you improve your poem.
When you said
"Some knows who’s coming and go the long way round,"
I think it would sound better if you put
"Some know who's coming and go the long way round,"
The rest of your poem is really nice!
I like the imagery that your line "Death knocks at every door" calls to mind, it really makes you think about it. It seems to me that it symbolizes Death coming to take you on an adventure, which is a different way of portraying Death.
I hope you keep writing like this!
-Shadeflame
Howdy, crimsonrose!
I'm going to review your poem today--I'll point out some specific places where I have suggestions, and then give some overall thoughts! Everything I have to say is just a suggestion, so no worries if you don't agree with what I have to say.
Welcome to YWS.
I think you meant to say "hears" instead of "here's"!
I'm not sure it makes the most sense to use "but" three times in a row. Usually it contrasts something, "most do this, but she does that." It seems like you're reversing a situation three times, so it's a little confusing! Are you trying to say that most people avoid death? Then the last line, with people waiting for death, would make much more sense. You just might consider rephrasing the first two.
I particularly like these three lines. ^_^ There's just something about the "deep frown" and people always getting hurt that's a forceful and emotional image, nice job!
One thing I might generally point out is your rhyme scheme. It seems like it could either get a little tighter or looser. Generally consistency is good. Rhyming can be really hard, so just make sure it doesn't get in the way of what you want to say with the poem! I'm mostly thinking about the last line here, with "murk" being both a little ambiguous and a bit of a slant rhyme. While it's an interesting image, it just feels a little out of sorts with the rest of the poem. Anyway, it's not set in stone--I always like to play around with my lines a little more than usual when rhyming, so it's worth testing out some other words that rhyme and different ways of saying the same thing.
It's a really nice first poem you have! I can see the storyline threading its way through, and I like the emotion behind it. The ending is especially nice, and has just enough of a punch to it. I think it's a great length to get your point across without dragging too much, very nice!
Feel free to let me know if you have any questions, about the review or the site in general. Happy writing!
-Q
HI crimsonrose06...
Welcome YWS !
Nice to meet u and i hope u will enjoy here.
So lets come to the point,
So The things I liked were that:
1. Your way of writing
2. The theme of the poem
3. the suitable words used
This is it and I couldn't find anything wrong.
well once again welcome....I will be waiting eagerly for your next writing !
From Sulagna..