Rated 12+ for violence/gore and very mild cursing.
Prologue
It was pouring outside that day, the day I first met Melanie. She was just a shadow in the trees. I would have never seen her through the window. I would have never survived without her, but I wouldn’t have needed to if I hadn’t met her. None of this would have happened if I hadn’t needed to walk Buster. Would I say I regret meeting Melanie? No, never.
She was trembling when Buster had sniffed her, she didn’t even notice us. She had repeated over and over again, “it’s all my fault”. When I had asked, “Are you okay?”, she had flung herself on me, sobbing. I knew she was different when I saw her face, when I saw those bright yellow eyes. I didn’t know this would happen though, I didn’t know all that would happen because I had welcomed her with open arms.
Chapter One
I led Melanie into the house and on the couch. When she had finally stopped crying, she examined me for several moments. I took the time to see her for what she really was. Her sharp talon like nails should have scared me, but it didn’t. Her pointy ears should have drawn me away, but it didn’t. Not even her snake-like teeth and tongue sent chills crawling down my spine. Buster didn’t whimper at the sight of her either.
“What the hell are you?” I had asked. Her skin seemed to have a violet tint to it.
“What the hell do you think I am?” she had responded innocuously. Of course I didn’t know what she was, why would I know what she was?
“An actress who strayed away from her set?” I had simply replied. She looked horrifyingly beautiful.
“I wish.” Tears had welled up in her eyes. She stared at her clothing. It was tattered and worn. It seemed to be materialized from leaves.
“What happened to you?” I’d asked. It was a stupid question, but I had to know. Why had she constantly repeated “it’s all my fault.”?
“You’re a human. I can’t tell. Humans can’t be trusted.” She brought her eyebrows together in a frown.
“It’s okay; I’m not like the others.” I wasn’t like the rest. I really wasn’t.
“You’re still human, maybe not completely, but you still are.” Her face looked full of despair now. I had wondered if she once had a human lover who had failed her.
“Did he hurt you?” The words had escaped from my mouth before I even thought of them.
“No. I hurt him. He would never hurt me. He just stopped loving me. He found another girl, one more like him, one more human.” Tears fell from her eyes once more. Her skin was so pale; her hair was so dark like the color of death, of sorrow. Her lip quivered.
“He was human wasn’t he…?” I said.
“Yeah, but he only loved me for what he thought I was, for my humanity. I looked beautiful. When I showed him what I really was, he ran away. The counsel killed him because of me. You shouldn’t see me like this. You shouldn’t even talk to me.” Buster was licking her face now. She was getting hysterical now.
“What are you?” I asked again.
“An…an elf,” she stammered. Hysteria can do strange things to people. It was working at my advantage.
“What do you mean you can look beautiful? You already are!” I wanted to scream at her, but I just let the words slowly pour out softly.
“I can look human.” She put her arms around Buster, covering her face, when she looked at me again; her face, sure enough, looked human. Her eyes were now a dark blue, her teeth pearly white. Her skin looked pinker now, strangely, I missed her elfish looks.
“Why are they after you though?” I asked, “What could have someone so young have done?”
“I was never supposed to live with humans. I was never supposed to kiss a human. I was never supposed to be able to change, but I did. They want to kill me now; it’s a punishment for what I did to him. He asked me to kiss him so I did, but I hadn’t known this would happen. I hadn’t known he would… die.”
“Why did he die?”
“Because… he knew everything I knew and so he left. He didn’t want to know. He didn’t like what I’d seen. He left me for someone else. Because he knew everything I knew, they killed him. They want to kill me too now because I threatened them all.”
“Shouldn’t they have found you by now?” I asked.
“As long as I stay near you, near humans, they won’t.” She whispered.
I touched her hand softly. Her nails were sharp. I hoped I could reassure her. Elves shouldn’t be like this, they shouldn’t be so human-like, so horrifyingly beautiful. I wondered what I would do. My mom would get home soon, how was I supposed to explain to her why a girl was here, lying on the couch?
“Where are you going to stay then?” I asked. I hadn’t really invited her into my home. Why would I? “Do you really trust me, a human?”
She just stared at me. Then she leaned forward and her lips brushed against mine. They were soft. I liked it. I’d never kissed anyone before. It started hurting though. My head felt as if it were going to explode. I saw a blinding light. I felt as if I were falling into a hole.
“Yeah, I trust you. I don’t have anyone else do I?” I barely caught those words. I blinked. Melanie was standing up now. “You might die now, but you already knew too much. You already were a threat in their eyes.”
My first thought was that she was sent here to kill me. This was all just a hoax, a trick, but then she continued.
“You belong with us, somewhere in your blood, you’re an elf.”
The information started to settle in and my eyes began to droop. I saw pictures.
“Daddy, don’t kill him!!!” Melanie screamed. She was much younger now, maybe only seven or eight.
“I have to.” Her father grabbed the boy and tore his body apart. Blood splattered on the pavement and the boy’s heart fell. Melanie lay weeping.
“Why?” she asked.
“You need this, we need this.” Her father said. He threw the boy’s remains on the ground and picked up his heart.
“You need his heart; you need to be able to change.” Her father looked angry now.
“I don’t want to change!” she cried, “Why’d you have to kill him?”
Her father shoved the heart down her mouth. She screamed in protest, but it was no use. She began to cry.
Melanie was older now. She was in middle school. She had had her eyes on one guy, all three years. Then she was in high school, a freshman, and her crush had asked her out. She had said yes. They were together for a long time, till summer.
“I love you,” she said.
“Kiss me then,” the boy had replied. They were in a movie theater. She leaned forward and kissed him. He started wincing after a few seconds. He threw up and ran away screaming. Melanie was crying now. She went home.
It was a few weeks later, Melanie was at the mall and she saw him. The boy was with another girl now. She was very nice so Melanie couldn’t hold a grudge against her. The boy stared at her strangely though, as if he was repulsed. Melanie went home in tears. Her father found out what she’d done and killed the boy. He gave his heart to another elf, Melanie’s age.
There was blood. The elf that had eaten the heart was dead now. Melanie had killed her. She was scared. Her father looked furious. He ran after her, but she was faster and she escaped into the city. She took a plane and came here, to my town.
I woke up. Melanie wasn’t there anymore. My mother was in the kitchen. I could smell lasagna in the oven. I walked over there.
“Mom, you’re home.”
“Uh-huh, sweetie, are you okay? Your face is as pale as a ghost’s!”
“Whaa-? Oh, yeah, yeah I’m fine.”
Other Chapters
Chapter 2- http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic60648.html
I'm loving it! It was finely written and up to par. Wierd and intriguing, you hook me by the first sentece alone. Thanks for the read Crescent.
Is it just me, or does this story seem to be more of a fantasy novel?? Sorry, but it seems more magical than horror, good story though.
keep writing
Olli
Comments in red.
Truth be told, I think you can add more emotions into this. It feels a little bland. Also, more description. The surroundings. The feel of her skin, the prickle of the hairs on the back of his neck, the barking of the dog, the smell of rain.
Also, try to get rid of the word "had". You use it too many times.
Good start, though.
Remember it's your story and you should decide what you want for it. All of this is just my opinion. If it caused offense, I'm sorry.
Yours truly,
Kara
Hey there, I'm Hawk and I'm here to review your story!
First off, I think you've got a great start. Way to have an elf that isn't the impish type or the Lord of the Rings type, either.
I think your prologue is unnecessary, and to be honest, a little overdone. You keep repeating how a whole bunch of stuff wouldn't have happened if you hadn't met her, and it gets old. You don't want to rely on hooking the reader by promising that a bunch of unimaginable horrors happen later on (at least not to the extent that you have). You can cut it down quite a bit and mesh it into the first chapter.
^ should look more like: Why had she constantly repeated "It's all my fault"?
Too repetitive.
Semicolon would be more appropriate instead of the first comma.
Mm this seems a little fast. I would think the heart would need to be pulled out for it to fall so easily. Not to sound too gruesome.
Okay, those are all my nitpicks. Aside from the prologue being too cliché for me, I really like the story you've got here. Feel free to PM with questions!
Lovely story!! It is for the first time I couldn't find an error. So good! Though you need to go through the prologue once more!! It has some confusing sentences.
Good Luck with this!
Hey Crescent! I'm here to proclaim my awesome review!
Maybe it would sound better if it was: "I lead Melanie into the house and sat with her on the couch."Okay 1. I don't think you need the prologue. You could just add that to chapter one, but its your choice. And since its short if you want it to be a prologue, call it preface, since its shorter.
Reverse these words. Try: "I can't tell you. You're a human, and humans can't be trusted."
comma after nice
OVERALL
Omg I love this, I am so excited for what happens next! I think you could be more descriptive on the parts about Melanie's past, but other than that it was really great! PM me when the next part is posted!!!
~Forest