That night, when I was asleep, I had a dream. Melanie was there, she was chasing me, no, she was pushing me forward. I was exhausted. We were running in what seemed like nowhere. “Faster,” she said, “faster Spencer, they’re going to kill us.” Suddenly, she wasn’t behind me anymore. Hands were grabbing her, hundreds and thousands of hands. I wanted to go back and save her but she said, “Run, they won’t hurt me.” I ran, but when I turned around, she was being ripped apart by the hands. The hands advanced towards me. I ran faster but then I felt claws, saliva dripping down my back.
I woke up in cold sweat. Buster had drooled on me. Melanie was in my room? She was just there, lying peacefully on the ground. Her chest didn’t move. I wondered if she was dead. She was moaning. She moved back and forth and I saw scars on her waist. There were five. I looked out my window. It was still dark outside. I wished she’d wake up; I was too scared to wake her. As if by my will, her eyes opened.
“How is this going to work?” I asked.
“You’ll see,” she said.
“Are you going to follow me to school?”
“Yep, I’ll pose as a new girl.” She sat up.
“Don’t you need papers?” I asked.
“Already got them done. Anything else you want to know?” She walked next to me.
“Am I going to die because of you?”
“Maybe,” she put her hand on my lap. It wasn’t a reassuring answer. She leaned forward and kissed me again. I felt dizzy. More information went into my head.
Melanie was running in the woods, shadows lurked in the dark. A man appeared. He had an ax in his hand. She ran around him, but he scratched her with his claws.
“Let that be a lesson to you, my princess.”
She was outside my house now, by the pile of logs. Her hands were wrapped around her wounds. Then it was night, and she climbed into my room after all the lights hand gone out. She was rummaging in my closet and took my purple shirt… She tore it apart and ran her fingers across the cloth. It was now a blouse. She took my old pair of jeans that my mother had been begging me to get rid of and tore it too. It was now a pair of skinny jeans. I was awake again.
“You took my shirt and jeans?” I was angry now.
“Sorry,” she said. She ran her fingers through my hair. “I’ll give them back, you’ll see.”
Her fingers mollified my anger. I stared into her yellow eyes. They lit up in the night and as moonlight shone though the windows, there was a blue glint to it.
“Who was the man?” I asked.
“He’s the leader of the tribe that lives here I think.” Melanie stopped running her fingers through my hair.
“Why did he want to kill you then?” I asked.
“I don’t think he likes other elves trespassing into his territory.” Melanie’s voice was soft now. She looked tired.
“Oh, there are other elves?” She rested her head on my shoulder.
“Mhhm.” She nodded her head a little.
I was getting tired too now, and before I could ask her why I hadn’t ever seen any of them, I was asleep.
There was clawing against the carpet. The sky was a smoky blue. Buster was walking around in circles. He whimpered. Melanie wasn’t there anymore. I took Buster out for a walk in the woods.
Voices were in my head. “That’s him, the one who shall become one of us.” “Why? He’s human! You can’t just become one of us.” “She chose him.” “I want his heart.” Buster didn’t pee. He walked around restlessly. I heard foot steps behind me. Metal scraped against metal. I hated that sound. I scanned the area around me, but I didn’t see anyone there, just trees and their falling leaves. Buster whined. He started running towards the road, dragging me with him.
Tires screeched. Buster kept running. The leash was cutting at my wrist. I saw the car’s yellow lights. It was skidding against ice that had formed on the pavement. I let go of the leash. I’d die too if I didn’t let go. I shut my eyes and breathed in and out. I heard a crunching sound. When I opened my eyes, the car was gone, Buster was gone. There were just ribs on the asphalt, broken ribs. There were no blood stains, no evidence from when the car had run over him.
He was gone. I probably would have and should have cried, but I didn’t. I felt hands brushing against me, tearing at my flesh and clothing. I ran across the street to the house but it didn’t stop. The fingers continued. There were small cuts all over me, like paper cuts.
When I reached the house, I dashed in, opening the door as slightly as possible. Melanie was there on the living room sofa, waiting for me.
“What happened to you? Where’s Buster?” she asked. She twirled a mushroom around in her hand?
I didn’t want to tell her. It saddened me. So I asked, “Do you my history when we kiss?”
“No, but maybe if you’re the one to make the move I will though… why?” I kissed her. No information went into my mind. I think I had taken her on by surprise though. She wrapped her arms around my neck and we kissed for a while. I don’t know if it was because she wanted to know more about me or if she just wanted to kiss me. Then, her face was stricken with horror. She pulled apart.
“The elves here aren’t light elves. They’re dark elves. That’s why Buster died, they killed him.” A tear seemed to be trickling from her eyes. “He was such a good little dog. They shouldn’t have… eaten him.” The images came back in my head, as if experiencing them the first time hadn’t been bad enough.
“I didn’t even see them though…” My eyes had been closed, but wouldn’t I have heard their footsteps? Wouldn’t I have felt their presence?
“I know this might sound backwards, but dark elves look like humans except they have powers. I’m not exactly sure what all of them are… it’s supposed to vary a little between each tribe. It’s messed up, I know.” She fidgeted with the mushroom again. Then she ran her fingers over my arms. The cuts vanished.
There was that awkward silence moment.
“Why are you holding a mushroom?” I asked.
“Vegetarian.”
I heard running water.
“Crap, my parents are getting up.”
“I’ll meet you at your school.” Melanie slipped out of the house.
Other Chapters
Chapter 1- http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/post676425.html
Here I am for another review!
Okay, this chapter seemed to move really fast. I got confused between what was a dream, what was memory, and what was actually happening. Slow the pace down a little; let the reader absorb what's going on, instead of pelting them with different scenes.
Also, your paragraphs are all very choppy. They're like, "I saw her. She was sad. I wondered why. I asked her. She answered me." That's a bit of an exaggeration, but see how many pauses you have to take when reading that? You want it to flow smoothly, without going to the other end, though, and making it become a whole run-on sentence (I saw her, she looked sad and I wondered why, so I asked her, she answered me.) Find a nice balance between the two and you're golden.
Critique
That night, when I was asleep, I had a dream. Melanie was there#FF0000 ">, #0000FF ">; she was chasing me, no, she was pushing me forward. I was exhausted. We were running in what seemed like #FF0000 ">nowhere #0000FF ">"in" nowhere doesn't really make sense. Perhaps you could say "We were running in an empty land" or "darkness" or something.. “Faster,” she said, “faster Spencer, they’re going to kill us.” Suddenly, she wasn’t behind me anymore. #008000 ">Hands were grabbing her, hundreds and thousands of #008000 ">hands. I wanted to go back and save her but she said, “Run, they won’t hurt me.” I ran, but when I turned around, she was being ripped apart by the #008000 ">hands. The #008000 ">hands #0000FF ">As you can see in the green, you've used "hands" quite a bit; it was one of the first things that popped out to me when I read it. advanced towards me. I ran faster but then I felt #FF0000 ">claws #0000FF ">What about the claws? Were they grabbing at him, scratching him, what?, saliva dripping down my back.
I woke up in cold sweat. Buster had drooled on me. Melanie was in my room? She was just there, lying peacefully on the ground. #FF0000 ">Her chest didn’t move. I wondered if she was dead. She was moaning. She moved back and forth and I saw scars on her waist. #0000FF "><-- the last two sentences I highlighted contradicts what you just said in the previous two sentences. I'm led to believe that she's motionless, and that the MC is wondering whether she's dead. But then you say that she was moaning; well, obviously the MC wouldn't think she was dead if she was moaning the whole time, which is how you make it seem. Try rewording it to something like "Her chest didn't move, and I wondered if she was dead. But then she moaned and stirred a little, and I saw scars on her waist." You see how that makes it so much clearer?There were five. I looked out my window. It was still dark outside. I wished she’d wake up; I was too scared to wake her. As if by my will, her eyes opened.
“How is this going to work?” I asked.
“You’ll see,” she said.
“Are you going to follow me to school?”
“Yep, I’ll pose as a new girl.” She sat up.
“Don’t you need papers?” I asked.
“Already got them done. Anything else you want to know?” She walked next to me.
“Am I going to die because of you?”
“Maybe#FF0000 ">,#0000FF ">.”#FF0000 "> s#0000FF ">She put her hand on my lap. It wasn’t a reassuring answer. She leaned forward and kissed me again. I felt dizzy. More information went into my head.
Melanie was running in the woods, shadows lurked in the dark. #FF0000 ">A man appeared. He had an ax in his hand. She ran around him, but he scratched her with his claws. #0000FF ">Again, a little fast here. I really don't know what to picture, except that a man with an ax has scratched her. Well, was he trying to chop her in half, but she ducked, and he tried to grab her and that's how she got scratched?
“Let that be a lesson to you, my princess.”
She was outside my house now, by the pile of logs. Her hands were wrapped around her wounds. Then it was night, and she climbed into my room after all the lights hand gone out. She was rummaging in my closet and took my purple shirt… #FF0000 ">She tore it apart and ran her fingers across the cloth. It was now a blouse. #0000FF ">Did she use magic? Give us a little detail here if so. She took my old pair of jeans that my mother had been begging me to get rid of and tore it too. It was now a pair of skinny jeans. I was awake again.
“You took my shirt and jeans?” I was angry now.
“Sorry,” she said. She ran her fingers through my hair. “I’ll give them back, you’ll see.”
Her fingers mollified my anger. I stared into her yellow eyes. They lit up in the night and as moonlight shone though the windows, there was a blue glint to #FF0000 ">it. #0000FF ">eyes are plural, so it's "them."
“Who was the man?” I asked.
“He’s the leader of the tribe that lives here I think.” Melanie stopped running her fingers through my hair.
“Why did he want to kill you then?” I asked.
“I don’t think he likes other elves trespassing into his territory.” Melanie’s voice was soft now. She looked tired.
“Oh, there are other elves?” She rested her head on my shoulder.
“Mhhm.” She nodded her head a little.
I was getting tired too now, and before I could ask her why I hadn’t ever seen any of them, I was asleep.
#0000FF ">Right here, starting with the next paragraph, was where you really lost me. At first, I thought it was just another dream of his. Try to show that this was all really happening. Show him waking up, wondering where Melanie is, something.
There was clawing against the carpet. The sky was a smoky blue. Buster was walking around in circles. He whimpered. Melanie wasn’t there anymore. I took Buster out for a walk in the woods.
Voices were in my head. “That’s him, the one who shall become one of us.” “Why? He’s human! You can’t just become one of us.” “She chose him.” “I want his heart.” Buster didn’t pee. He walked around restlessly. I heard foot steps behind me. Metal scraped against metal. I hated that sound. I scanned the area around me, but I didn’t see anyone there, just trees and their falling leaves. Buster whined. He started running towards the road, dragging me with him.
Tires screeched. Buster kept running. The leash was cutting at my wrist. I saw the car’s yellow lights. It was skidding against ice that had formed on the pavement. I let go of the leash. I’d die too if I didn’t let go. I shut my eyes and breathed in and out. I heard a crunching sound. When I opened my eyes, the car was gone, Buster was gone. #FF0000 ">There were just ribs on the asphalt, broken ribs. #0000FF ">Are they supposed to be Buster's ribs? There were no blood stains, no evidence from when the car had run over him.
He was gone. I probably would have and should have cried, but I didn’t. I felt hands brushing against me, tearing at my flesh and clothing. I ran across the street to the house but it didn’t stop. The fingers continued. There were small cuts all over me, like paper cuts.
When I reached the house, I dashed in, opening the door as slightly as possible. Melanie was there on the living room sofa, waiting for me.
“What happened to you? Where’s Buster?” she asked. #FF0000 ">She twirled a mushroom around in her hand? #0000FF ">You don't need to ask us the question; say "She twirled a mushroom around in her hand, and I briefly wondered why."
I didn’t want to tell her. It saddened me. So I asked, “Do #0000FF ">I'm guessing you're missing a word like "see" here. you my history when we kiss?”
“No, but maybe if you’re the one to make the move I will though… why?” I kissed her. No information went into my mind. I think I had taken her on by surprise though. She wrapped her arms around my neck and we kissed for a while. I don’t know if it was because she wanted to know more about me or if she just wanted to kiss me. Then, her face was stricken with horror. She pulled apart.
“The elves here aren’t light elves. They’re dark elves. That’s why Buster died, they killed him.” A tear seemed to be trickling from her eyes. “He was such a good little dog. They shouldn’t have… eaten him.” The images came back in my head, as if experiencing them the first time hadn’t been bad enough.
“I didn’t even see them though…” My eyes had been closed, but wouldn’t I have heard their footsteps? Wouldn’t I have felt their presence?
“I know this might sound backwards, but dark elves look like humans except they have powers. I’m not exactly sure what all of them are… it’s supposed to vary a little between each tribe. It’s messed up, I know.” She fidgeted with the mushroom again. Then she ran her fingers over my arms. The cuts vanished.
There was that awkward silence moment.
“Why are you holding a mushroom?” I asked.
“Vegetarian.”
I heard running water.
“Crap, my parents are getting up.”
“I’ll meet you at your school.” Melanie slipped out of the house.
End of critique
Okay, that's all! I know it looks really overwhelming, but hopefully I was able to help! Please PM me if you have any questions!