Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
*This is a fanfic of the movie “Lisa Frankenstein”. It’s underneath my folder “Lisa Frankenstein” fanfics. Her last name is actually Swallows, that’s why it’s different in the title. This takes place after the events in the movie and the main character in this fanfic is the stepsister of Lisa. Her name is Taffy. Oh and Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=116005&start=1170. If you want to have a good Valoween, I recommend watching “Lisa Frankenstein”! Anyway, I hope you enjoy!*
I saw “beloved wife” inscribed on Lisa’s grave, but she was way too young to be a wife. I know for a fact that the people who made the grave didn’t write it, so who would?
The night with Michael plays back to me. When Lisa came in, and then that guy with the axe. Who was he? Some new kid? I’ve never seen him before.
I need to find that guy. It’s weird, but for some reason, I think that he’s related to all of this.
Lisa was always strange, but she was a good person. I don’t think she’s that bad. I mean, she called me her sister. She gave me her Mom’s rosary, which is just sooo sweet!
I think that the guy might have done something…
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hi creepy back for more in a desperate race against the Violets.
That first line is pretty disturbing. But if Lisa was a friend, shouldn't she have some clue as to who made the grave? Etiehr way its very creepy, but im guessing it's because she's been raised from the dead many times and is much older than she appears. Perhaps the grave was made hy a lover or a creator?
I really like the tone and voice of this particularly story. It's simple and kind of barbecues but for whatever reason it really flows, almost like some sort of quick diary entry. I do wonder: why was Lisa strange? Could be a clue. And yes, im going to go out on a very narrow limb and say that the guy with the axe probably has something to do with what's going on 😭 but also, if Lisa died and was buried, shouldn't there be an investigation and facts about the case if she was murdered and hacked up? Hmm
~Messy
Hi there creeperfeverdreams,
This is an intriguing piece of writing, you ask many questions (quite explicitly), and it makes me want to know more. I have a couple of comments that I'd like to share. I believe it could be good for me to know the context of the movie to better understand your plot, but as you have labelled this a short story I'm going to review it as a standalone piece of writing.
What I appreciated:
I think that you do a good job of giving the reader a few details that will pique their curiosity and want them to find out more. Starting with Lisa's grave – and therefore her death – already makes the reader ask themself the question: how and why did Lisa die? The fact that Lisa has some relation to the narrator also adds to that intrigue. The last sentence leaves us with the question: "what did that guy do, and how is he connected to it all?
What I think could be improved:
General
Because you categorized this as a short story, instead of a chapter, it would be helpful for the reader if the answers to (at least some) of your questions were present. At the moment, we are left with many questions, but no single answer is given. Who was Lisa? Who was Michael? Who's the guy with the axe? How are they all connected? And who even is the narrator? With all of these questions, it is hard to really situate ourselves as readers in your story, so some more context could be useful. Even if this were a prologue to other chapters, giving some more information into at least one of the characters could be useful: just imagine the reader (like myself) has not seen the movie and has no context to the plot. What are some important details to be told? You can give more info on who the narrator is, what their struggle is, what their motivations are...
Grammar
These two sentences can be connected differently:
The second part "When Lisa came in..." is only a clause and not a full sentence, so you can change the "." after "me" to a ":" or a ",".
Repetition
Another thing I'd suggest is looking at the things you're saying and asking if you're giving new information. Especially in a short piece of writing like this one, every sentence carries more weight, and so repeating sentences can throw off the reader. For example, you say:
and then finish your story with:
I feel like these two sentences serve the same purpose – showing that "that guy" has importance in the plot. Perhaps, instead of restating that fact, why don't you give us more context into why the narrator thinks that guy has done something? Are there details (other than the axe) which point to his involvement? These can help the reader get hooked even more, and be curious as to what will happen.
That's all I have for you now, it was a pleasure reading your writing!
Cheers x