Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
*This fanfic is underneath my folder titled “Lisa Frankenstein fanfics”. It is a fanfic of the movie “Lisa Frankenstein” and takes place after the events in the movie. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=116005&start=1170. Enjoy and Happy Valoween!*
I’m back in the car, Lisa sitting next to me. I can hear her words, but I can’t. They’re a buzz to me, a complete blur.
Michael was just like every other guy I met at school. Only wanting me for one thing and one thing alone. Lisa came in to say that, then there was this guy who came with an axe and…and…
What if my Mom is dead? She must be, I haven’t heard from her. Michael’s blood is covering me…blood, blood…oh my god, it smells…
Why did Lisa lie to me?
I wake up, clutching the rosary that Lisa gave me. I still think back to that moment, when everything changed. When I lost my boyfriend and my sister.
If I listen hard enough, I can hear Lisa playing her radio station on the shower radio. Maybe it’s my imagination, but it’s somewhat comforting.
I never really knew who she was, anyway.
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Canary word: Present
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Might as well read the next part, yes? And I was a bit curious from part 1 anyway.
This whole sentence is a bit funky to me. First, without a "with" after the car and comma, it ttipped me up reading, I think due in part to the present tense, and partly because there was no with. Consider adding or revising. The "i can hear her words but I cant" is confusing. I think i understand what youre saying, but this feels like a really unclear and barbecues way to say it. And you clarify what you mean in the next sentence, so maybe just combine the two. I can hear her speaking but there's word are nothing more than a buzz to me, a blur encompassing my thoughts."
She really is lost in the sauce. Also, I would reccomend adding and "and" after the comma because its kinda comma splicey and hard to read the first time around.
Wait Lisa was her sister? Noooooo ToT weird to called the other guy her boyfriend though, considering she was just saying he's basically just after her body and not a good guy. But if she's dreaming this and smells it (smell is one of the strongest things to invoke memories) did SHE do it? Is the axe guy real? The last line is very ambigious and makes me less certain of Taffy as a reliable narrator
~Messy
It was Lisa who was there with the guy committing the murder. Taffy didn%u2019t do anything.
But thx for reading and your suggestions!
Hello there creeperfeverdreams!!!!!
Hop here with a review for Team Roses Of Red!!! I'm sorry in advance!! I feel like my reviews are more just like reactions :sobs: anyways, let's just jump right in!! I'm excited to read another work of yours!!!
"I’m back in the car, Lisa sitting next to me. I can hear her words, but I can’t. They’re a buzz to me, a complete blur."
I love how you described this!!! This gives me an eerie feeling for sure!!!
"Michael was just like every other guy I met at school. Only wanting me for one thing and one thing alone. Lisa came in to say that, then there was this guy who came with an axe and…and…"
Bleh, we hate guys like this. Like, dude!! Get to know me first!!
"What if my Mom is dead? She must be, I haven’t heard from her. Michael’s blood is covering me…blood, blood…oh my god, it smells…"
I feel like this is either a valid panic attack or a worry for nothing kind of moment. I would like to know how the narrator came to that thought though. It probably says it in the movie since this is a fanfiction so no need to put that in the story! It is actually my fault for having no context loll!!
"Why did Lisa lie to me?"
It's almost like I can feel the hurt in this!!! Like, I can HEAR the narrator saying this too. It's such a grrr feeling when someone lies to you.
"I wake up, clutching the rosary that Lisa gave me. I still think back to that moment, when everything changed. When I lost my boyfriend and my sister."
Ooooh scene change!! Thinking back to a loss of both a lover and a sister must be heartwrenching. Maybe include her emotions at that moment to help be in touch with the reader a bit more?
"If I listen hard enough, I can hear Lisa playing her radio station on the shower radio. Maybe it’s my imagination, but it’s somewhat comforting."
Lisa on the radio? Hmmm again I think I would need to know the background information to understand TvT
"I never really knew who she was, anyway."
How do you manage to make the last line hit so hard?? I swear, it's always so intriguing to read that last sentence.
This was amazing! Whenever I read one of your stories, I always want to go watch whatever the thing was written from!!!
Have a good day/night!!!
Love,
Hop
I%u2019m glad you enjoyed this and thx for your suggestions!