*This story is underneath my folder titled “Souls and Roses”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=116005&start=1320. Enjoy!*
“Mommy, is your eye going to get better soon? Because it looks really bad.” Raven said, his green eyes full of worry.
Scarlett did not blame him for being scared, but she didn’t want him to think about it too much. Her right eye socket blistered with pain from being covered with her own bruises, but the fairy healer had softened the pain a bit.
She wasn’t going to tell her five year old son how she truly felt, though. He didn’t need to know.
“It will, sweetie. Eventually. Now go to sleep.” Scarlett smiled.
Raven was in bed between her and Kenneth. He didn’t seem to mind that his parents had a strange illness. He just wanted to sleep in their bed late at night, as though he were afraid to sleep alone.
It was because of Queen Cordelia’s soldiers. They were out patrolling the streets, looking for sick people to kill. Scarlett and Kenneth knew to be careful, but they weren’t going to tell Raven all of the details.
Raven looked at her like he wasn’t convinced, but he made his way to lie down anyway. Scarlett would sleep soon, she just had to-
The front door slammed open. Kenneth sprung up, jolted by the noise. He didn’t think they’d come to their house. He knew that they were everywhere, but still, hearing them storm in didn’t take away the sheer fright that flowed through his veins. He and Scarlett may not have had time to escape, but perhaps Raven could run.
“Get out right now!” Scarlett cried out, pushing Raven to get out of bed. He bristled, barely going to sleep, but did as she said and ran. She crawled over to the other side of the bed and grabbed his shoes, throwing Raven’s shoes to him as he stood in front of the window. Without wasting a second, she gently pushed him out the window, heart racing as she did so.
Kenneth was scrambling out of bed, trying to close the door before-
But it happened before they could save themselves. The soldiers came and tore them apart with their spears and their swords, not leaving one second for them to breathe.
At least Raven got out.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
Heyo~
Hmmm I think the scene itself is really good! I like the focus on the parents and how they managed to get their child out.
I think part of what kinda makes your stories a bit slower is sentence parts like this: “from being covered with her own bruises”—It feels like you could do a better job at maybe making this its own sentences and combine it with the reason for why the bruises exist? 😊
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I love how you added the dash right before they barged in which indicated it was sudden. Your frantic emotions to make sure Raven had gotten out and how rushed and terrified Raven was. The,"At least Raven got out." was fantastic for an ending to something and beautiful, absolutely beautiful! It's amazing how most would say a sudden death or instantly killed but you put,"not leaving one second for them to breathe." and left more images to ones imagination. Anyways, IT WAS SCRUMPTIOUS (my way of saying beautiful, amazing and CHEF'S KISS)!
Thank you!