*This story is underneath my folder titled “Souls and Roses”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=117842&start=90. Enjoy!*
Dani gently rubbed Sophie’s back as their parents drove them off across Rosesilk. Sophie was sick and they were searching for a cure. It didn’t help that nobody knew what her sickness was, but they were determined to find whatever that could help.
So that was why Dani and Sophie were crammed in the back of the carriage as their parents drove on. There was a blanket covering them both, hiding them amongst the pack of supplies. Anybody who saw them would think that they were a bag just like everything else. It helped that the blanket muffled Sophie’s voice, too. They couldn’t risk Queen Cordeila’s soldiers hearing them. She did not want sick people to live in her town, so she killed them.
If they could find a cure in time, then Sophie would be alive. They all would be okay if they made it. They would make it.
Sophie’s fingers gripped Dani’s dress tightly, her knuckles turning white as she held on. Dani did not push her off, even though it hurt. She could barely feel it.
“I’m sure it won’t be long. We’ll find a healer soon.” Dani whispered.
Sophie smiled before coughing yet again, Dani brought her closer to soothe her. She wasn’t sure how well Sophie was being comforted, but she deeply hoped that it was enough, because there was nothing else she could do.
There was the sound of a crash and screaming around them. Dani covered Sophie’s ears. The soldiers were out, killing people. She wasn’t sure how they knew who was sick or if they knew, but at least they were safe. They just had to get through it. Some day, it would all be over.
The carriage suddenly stopped. They couldn’t have found a healer when there was all of that screaming. Dani was just about to get up and run with Sophie-
The blanket was abruptly pulled away from her. She saw a flash of sunlight burn into her eyes as the soldiers rushed towards them with their weapons, stabbing their spears into them both before she could stop them, again and again and again, until they had run.
With shaking hands, Dani pulled out the spears in Sophie’s body and her own. It had all happened so fast that she couldn’t believe that it happened at all. She tried calling out to Sophie, but there was no response. Nothing. The girl still held on tight.
Dani gently peeled Sophie’s fingers away from herself and began stumbling out of the carriage, tears staining her eyes. She felt no pulse from her little sister. She had seen their parents bleeding bodies right after she got off.
In only a matter of seconds, her whole family was gone. The soldiers came and slaughtered them all without so much as a second thought. There were other people around, walking, going about their day. If they saw her, they only glanced at her briefly. It was daylight. Dani was tired. So tired. There were shops all around, bustling with customers. Maybe they wouldn’t mind if she rested a bit. She’d come back to bury-no, no. Not yet. She had to hold Sophie a little longer.
Dani stopped. There was a potions’ vendor right in front of her, unattended. She had never used potions before but perhaps they would be just the thing to help.
She ran towards the vendor and searched for anything that could bring the dead back to life, something that could jolt them all. She checked all of the labels, seeing…”Hair growth”…”Old age”…useless, all useless. Why couldn’t there be…wasn’t there…there!
But there was only one. It was “Undead life”. She had heard of the undead. They were vampires, some of which were bitten, others who had taken a potion. The others had at least five of each other, but only one vampire potion was left in stock. Maybe she could share bits of it with her family…but would they want to be vampires? What about Sophie, who loved every little creature and feared her own shadow? How would she feel being a vampire?
She didn’t even have time to scream.
Dani ran from the vendor, holding the clear, O-shaped bottle up to the sunlight. It was a dark purple color, like swamp sludge. Medicine, in its own way.
The soldiers were still out. The Queen was alive. And she would not be stopped unless someone rose up against her. Who knew when that would happen? When the “right time” would come?
The choice was clear.
She uncorked the bottle and took a great, long swig out of it. It stung her tongue and felt like it was choking her from the inside, but it couldn’t be any worse than Sophie’s pain.
Dani doubled over, dropping the empty bottle as the sunlight seemed to glare brightly-too brightly-darkness…she needed the dark…the trees…not too far…she’d crawl…rest…for a little bit…
Then she would wake up and never sleep again. Not until they were all gone.
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139,870 Literary Works • 672,780 Reviews
Protection of a sick child by his family from the queen who killed those people who were sick attracted my attention at once, and an interaction between Dani and Sophie was that which created the emotional aspect of the plot. The most memorable moments in this short story were when Sophie pulled the dress of Dani, and Dani tried to console her without any power.
On the whole, the attack scene was written nicely, for the attack took place unexpectedly, adding a surprise element to the violent scene. The scene with the citizens of the town walking peacefully and seeing Dani bleeding on the streets was the most memorable one in the story.
I would recommend to the author to develop this part of the story a bit more, as the main character immediately went from shock after the loss of her family to taking the vampire potion. If the author would provide some details about the emotions and thoughts of the main character in this part, the scene would become even more impressive.
In a word, it was rather an interesting literature piece with a good plot and surprising ending. Love of the girl for another person was the most memorable aspect of the story.
Let’s look at this one next~
Wellll either she can’t feel it and therefore doesn’t notice the hurt or she does feel it but ignores the pain, right? Here:
Hmmm I have a hard time envisioning what is happening here:
I feel like you already mentioned the screaming enough and you’re actually lacking other information. What exactly does Dani see, from inside the carriage? How does it feel under the blanket? Are there footsteps? Why does she think she should get up and run? I feel left hanging here @.@
…what does that mean? Run out of energy? Will? Did they leave?
Uhm didn’t you describe that the soldiers rammed the spears into BOTH of them? Why is Dani able to walk around? Maybe just a tiny acknowledgement that nothing vital was hit or she is magic and therefore unaffected… just something?
Also where is the seller of these potions? Why didn’t they intervene when a girl ran of with their merchandise? I think you are really rushing things here, I don’t really have time to get used to the characters and their motivations @.@
I do like the description of the medicine!
Hmmm I like how she ended up not trying to bring her family back with the potion, instead choosing to become a vampire to be strong enough to oppose the queen. I think, maybe if you focused on how she too was injured and potentially dying, this could have been even more impactful. She could have let all this go, decided to just end it here but instead she chooses to fight so that something like what happened to her family will NEVER happen to anyone else ever again (also revenge).
Great ending!
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