*This is a horror story I wrote in honor of Puerto Rican Day, which is today. I’m celebrating my Puerto Rican heritage..in a spooky way. :> Gacha Club character designs are underneath my forum titled “My character designs <33”. This story is underneath my folder titled “Puerto Rican Day thrills and chills”. I used Google Translate for the title, which says “The attack of the chupcabra” because unfortunately, I’m not fluent in Spanish. :< Please let me know if I got the translation right. Other than that, enjoy! ^v^*
In a small farm in Puerto Rico, there was a boy named Sol, who was visiting his Tio Esai for summer vacation.
He lay in his bed, his window open a crack to let in the cool air and the sound of the Coquí frogs’ chirps in.
It was Sol’s first time going to Puerto Rico, and it was quite…peaceful. The air, the frogs. The animals grazing away on the grass…
But what was that distinct sucking noise? The sound of something slurping loudly? And were the animals…screaming?
Sol sat up from bed, peering out of the window.
Something with glistening scales and spikes lunged on the animals, drinking away their blood. Its spikes glistened in the moonlight, and its eyes gleamed with ferocity.
Sol stayed where he was, watching in petrified fright as the scaly thing drank away the animals’ blood, unable to move a muscle in his body.
He wanted to tell it to go away, to leave the animals alone, but he couldn’t seem to find the words.
He never saw anything like it before in real life. It seemed like the kind of thing only in horror movies, the kind of creature that would exist as a Boogeyman.
“¡Espantar! ¡Irse!” A voice cried out.
Sol turned towards the voice.
It was Tio Esai, telling the thing to go away. He carried a wooden bat, swinging it towards the creature.
The creature had done a number to a few animals, but two baby goats still stood, unblemished.
Sol found himself joining in, desperate to save the remaining baby goats.
The creature turned towards Tio Esai, then at Sol, eyes seeming to widen in fright.
It scampered off into the night, leaving behind a trail of blood.
Sol sunk back into his bed, a million thoughts swimming in his head. Tio Esai would be furious with him for being up at night, but Sol didn’t mind it that much.
He only ever saw the creature online, heard stories about it passed down in his family. When he got older, he dismissed it as some urban legend made to scare little kids, but could it be possible that the creature was a…
A chupacabra?
He’d have to talk to Tio Esai about it more in the morning…
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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-Tio Esai is yelling at the chupcabra to “Shoo! Go away!” in Spanish. I used Google Translate for this so please let me know if it’s correct.
-From Wikipedia, I heard that the chupcabra in Puerto Rican version is more of a reptilian creature, whereas in Southwestern United States it’s more of a dog creature.
-The chupcabra is like a vampire, except it drinks the blood of farm animals and it’s more monster-like in appearance. You can’t make this type of vampire a “dreamboat” lolz.
-Tio means Uncle in Spanish.
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression
Well this was a rare crossover moment I think between one of your more wholesome ones and a terrifying one in that much devastation does in fact come of it but at the same time the monster does run away and all is well by the very end.
Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;
Oooh well seems like an innocent enough start, just someone on vacation in what appears to be a fairly nice place and they're just doing their best to relax but immediately it looks like we have ourselves a slightly suspicious little noise to kick things off here.
Welp we're jumping right into the action today it would seem. No holds barred there at all, as we just go straight into the description of this incredibly terrifying creature there that just seems to be having an absolute whale of a time just sucking these animals dry and well being familiar with the chupcabra I am not surprised at all.
Oooh interesting. I mean being frozen there in time is hardly surprising. Its about as well one can hope to do when confronted by something so dangerous and terrifying but it looks like one of the people in the house aren't about to just stand by and let things happen here.
Well looks they're both going to go ahead and go in for that classic confrontation move and with a bat no less. Certainly makes for an interesting choice there although I must say from what I know of this creature, its a rare monster which appears to only be a danger to helpless animals and seems small enough to be intimidated by a determined human.
Ooooh well I think that's a lovely little moment there. For once the creature actually runs away which I think is what would happen and its a little victory but at the same time the way it links back to the legend and what this may be about is quite nicely done there.
Aaand that's it for this oneee!!!
Overall
Overall I think this is a lovely little tale, a really cute look at what a more casual sounding chupcabra encounter could go. I really love how the creatures yes does get a nice cool description but you can see how the one who its maybe a stranger to is terrified while the uncle is just like get off my lawn which I think really takes this story to a really nice little place where it feels like it could almost be real.
As always remember to: Take what you think was helpful and forget the rest!
Kate
Hello hello, I hope you dont me popping in with a quick review. Overall this might be a short review however I do hope that you can glean some useful feedback from it.
I do agree with Icey's points a lot, especially with the fanfic tag and the setting so I will try not to beat a dead horse. I do wish we got a bit more of the calmness and perhaps a bigger build-up towards the Chupcrbra. Things like describing the setting and the cries a lot more could build up tension making the release of the monster showing up stronger.
The principle of tension and release is core to a lot of horror since you are a big fan of that kind of thing you might know it without being able to name it as such. If you want to elevate the horror in your works and want to learn the basics I would recommend TedED videos. I think the video on how to write compelling thrillers covers it.
Besides that, I feel a lot of the lines such as the start could work better as a paragraph. I understand wanting to keep thoughts as their own line as I do the same however italics might make them stand out more as thoughts. the reader might also be able to pick up thoughts easier if it is the only kind of line that isn't in a paragraph, well besides dialogue that is.
I feel that there's a small change I would make to one of the lines that might just be me nitpicking
I would change that to become.
Other than those small changes and thoughts I enjoyed this piece. It's short sweet? Well as sweet as blood-drinking nightmares can be and plenty spooky.
As always keep writing and remember to drink water!
Hello again! Just a couple of thoughts from me today!
1. I know you explained why you tagged this as fan fiction, but I don’t think it needs that tag. To me, it’s similar to if you included something like the Loch Ness monster. I think you can mention in a spoiler or something to clarify which version of the creature you’re talking about but I don’t think it needs a fanfic tag.
2. Description. You’ve specified the location and that feeds into a specific version of the story which is cool. But where’s the description of Puerto Rico? You mention the air and the frogs but I think there could be more to set the scene.
3. The creature description was well written. I could really picture it! I do feel like Sol got over his fear of the thing quite quickly though.
This was a great idea and a good read, thanks for sharing!
Icy