*This story is underneath my folder titled “Daisy, Salem, and many other lost souls in Cherry Brook”. Gacha Club character designs are in this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=116005&start=1290. Salem is human at the top but snake at the bottom. He has a snake’s tail. With that bit of information, I hope you enjoy!*
Daisy was wrapped in the coils of Salem’s tail, watching the dewdrops fall from the rocks and onto the dirt ground. Salem was asleep, she could hear him snoring softly, but he didn’t let go of her. Not once.
Strangely enough, it was quite relaxing, watching the dew drops fall, being in the embrace of a creature. It filled her heart with such a thrill, brought about memories that she wouldn’t forget.
Daisy could feel her eyelids growing heavy. Could it be that she would finally be able to go to sleep? She hadn’t been able to sleep in so many years, maybe she’d finally rest and-
She heard the cackle of a girl in the rock walls, high and maniacal.
Daisy felt goosebumps rise on her skin. She could not speak, for the cackle of the girl was getting louder and louder, closer and closer, nearer and-
“It’s okay, Daisy. You’re going to be okay. That’s Eerie the faerie, the one who cursed me. I won’t let her get to you. I’ll scare her off. Would you like me to let go of you so that she doesn’t see you?” Salem asked, awakened from his sleep.
Daisy shook her head. The mere thought of being alone in a cave with a cackling faerie unsettled her even more. She’d much rather have Salem with her than wait for him.
“Alright then, you’ll stay with me. I’ll get rid of her, okay? I promise.” Salem beamed, his sharpened teeth gleaming sweetly.
Daisy nodded, putting her complete trust in him. It was just her and him against the faerie, there was nobody else to keep her safe. The thrill rose within her, mixed with pure fright.
Goodness, it was a night!
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
It all feels really vivid and immersive, and the comfort and fear combination is done so well. You’re drawn into the scene, and the inclusion of Salem is nice and protective and calming in a strange way.
I%u2019m glad you enjoyed this!
Hia creeper. Saw someone do a review of your most recent story and thought I would also chime in =D
Aww that paragraph abt Daisy being unable to sleep for so long made me really wish that this would finally be the moment!
“Daisy felt goosebumps rise on her skin.” This is what’s called a “filter” sentence that creates unnecessary distance between the POV character and the reader. Why not write something more active? Like Goosebumps broke out all over her skin” or something? I always get the feeling that there’s a barrier between me and your stories and I think that word choices play a role in that.
The dialogue formatting in this one was completely correct :3 There were no speech tags necessitating a comma and no capitalization :3
Have a great day!
It’s always interesting seeing intimacy from the perspective of someone other than a human, even if they have human like features. It helps remind me that we aren’t the only ones that can have feelings or be scared. I really like the imagery/immersion, especially when describing the faeries cackle. Also, the little rhyme at the end gives a good finishing touch. Overall great job!