*This story is under my folder titled โParanormal Showgirlโ. Gacha Club character designs are under my forum titled โMy character designs<33[2]โ. Enjoy!*
In the 1800s, there was once a married couple by the names of Mikayla and Andrew Bianchi, who had a six year old daughter named Fleur Bianchi, whom they had loved with all of their hearts, just as every good parent would.
And just like every good parent in the town that they lived in, they told Fleur to stay close to them when they were invited to Prince Cesare Albrechtโs twenty-sixth birthday. In fact, everybody in town was invited to the palace and while a royal birthday sounds fun, there just wasnโt something right with this one.
For Prince Cesare and his mother, Queen Clara, both kept a sharp watch on the citizens and public executions were not uncommon in their town. So the invite to the castle was most unusual and troubling, but no one dared not to come, in fear of the consequences that would arise from not doing so.
Mikayla and Andrew hoped that Fleur would trust them and not her own optimism, but alas, in the middle of the party, they had noticed that Fleur was not with them.
They let everyone else at the party know what had happened and so, with the help of the other townspeople, Andrew and Mikayla searched every room for their daughter.
They searched in every possible room, every corner, every hallway, but had not seen any sign of her.
Until, that is, when Andrew and Mikayla happened upon a dark hallway lit only by the stained glass windows with the moon reflecting off them. There, they saw an old woman in a blue dress in front of Queen Clara and Prince Cesare, holding a porcelain doll with her blond hair in pigtails, telling them that Fleurโs ghost was trapped in the doll, that she had killed the girl and trapped her so that they could take away Fleurโs happy energy, so that-
โWhat is this talk about murdering our daughter?!โ Andrew cried out, jumping from the shadows, Mikayla following after him. Neither knew what exactly had happened, but if Fleurโs ghost were really trapped in that doll and the old woman wasnโt just telling a story, then they would get that doll back no matter what and so, they ran towards them, prepared to put up a fight even though they never fought before and-
The old woman needed only to extend out her hand and then, both of them began to twist and turn, blood pooling from their bodies, their hearts pumping with fear as they realized that they were dealing with someone of powers far beyond their understanding, a possible witch, the very witch who killed Fleur, Fleur, who only ever wanted to love and trust and believe with all her heart and then, the last words that they heard were from the old woman:
โIf the both of you cared so much about Fleur, then you both must have been very, very happy. Your happiness will help the Albrechts.โ
Somehow, it felt as though their happiness was going to be taken away from them, just like how Fleur was snatched from their sights.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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I really like that the story is focused on the parents. That's not that common and this is the second one I read from you that does so!
That said, it feels like it threads the same grounds as the one about Jasmine, down to the daughter dying and haunting a doll. Is this a common trope in such stories that I just missed?
This time, the setting feels more ominious though!
I just wish you focused more on writing the action instead of telling what happens. Like this entire sequence could have instead been shown. The dialogue written out, the reaction of the parents who were forced to listen etc
Missed opportunity
I also wish you would have described a bit more what exactly the old woman is doing to the parents? Is she hurting them? Or just metaphorically squeezing out their happiness? My first thought was that she was going to turn them into dolls too considering that is part of her power.
It's also a bit strange why both queen and prince were just standing in this random hallway where all the riffraff can just walk in on them. Does the castle not have guards or something?
I do like the happiness magic and that the evil queen and prince probably have some dark purpose for that going on.
It's a big castle, they're far away.
If you want to read more, you can look under my folder "Paranormal Showgirl".
G'day, creeperfeverdreams! It Cheerio with another review!

What I loved about this:
- It was short and sweet
- It gave us insight into what happened to Fleur's parents in their last moments
- It just makes me happy that everyone has their own POV since I read Prince Cesare's first.
What need work:
- Some sentences could be shortened to make it easier for the reader to digest and take in (if that makes sense, lol)
- Sometimes I didn't quite understand what was happening (only a few times) so like I said before, some sentences could use a bit tidying up.
Other thoughts:
Loved it. Great job and keep on writing.
Fellow writer,
~ Cheerio.