Are You Listening?

First off, what an awesome poem! I love the feelings you're giving off!

I love how you contrast war and peace.

I do have a few things to suggest, though.

"Guns booming, sirens blaring" might need changing. I just feel that the booming and the blaring seem to be too harsh words and not poetic enough, but it's your choice.

I also think that you repeat the "sh....are you listening?" a few too many times. Maybe you could do it every other stanza, but PLEASE keep it in the final one. The final closing is just marvelous.

Wonderful, overall. Keep up the poetry!

Hello creativityrules

Nice Poetry. It was Dramatic, Narrative and helping the world to be a happier place =)
Especially the 'Shh. Listen. Can you hear that?'

Suggestions:

#1:

Shh.
Listen.
Can you hear that?
It's the sound of war.
Guns booming, sirens blaring,
children crying, soldiers fighting,
hearts breaking, tears falling,
love dying, hate growing.

Shh.
Listen.
Can you hear that?
It's the sound of peace.
People laughing, children playing
Wind rushing, trees swaying,
families hugging, houses building,
water flowing, harvest filling.

Shh.
Listen.
Can you hear that?
It's the sound of folly.
Cities burning, flames snapping,
smoke rising, bombs roaring,
water drying, food rotting,
world decaying , world perishing.

Shh?
Listen.
Can you hear that?
It's nothing,
just like world will be,
if it continues
the way it is now,
full of hurt and suffering.

Shh.
Listen.
Can you hear that?
It's me.
I'm asking if you want to help me
make this world a better place.

Can you hear me?
Are you listening?

Hi, Creativityrules!

I must say I didn't like the repetition all that much. All the "shh"ing and "ing"ing actually made my head ache a little bit. I do like the sort of mysterious effect the "shh" and "can you hear that?" make, but I don't feel it's enough to carry this poem until the end.

It's quite a shame, actually, because the ideas and images you have in those "ing"s would be very good and effective, but the formatting takes up all the attention, leaving the reader nearly irritated rather than hungry for more. And they will never know whether you had something very unique or original or extraordinary there, because they can't get their eyes past the ings into the depths of meaning.

The last two stanzas were indeed very different from the rest. I think you might have at least half meant them to be in such a contrast with the others, but still it leaves me somewhat confused. Them being so different and off, they don't unfortunately make up a very good ending -- and in my opinion, the ending should be the strongest part alongside the beginning. You start off powerfully, with a tight rhythm and discipline, and then just sort of... forget about the end, which should be consistent with the rest. There's even the cliche of making the world a better place, which would be fine if you expanded it a little -- how, for example?

Please let me know if you have any questions -- I'll be listening Keep writing!


Demeter
x

I like this. I like how you can "hear" hearts breaking. I have to say the rhyme scheme is all over the place, but overall, it's a good concept.

I absolutely loved the first two paragraphs, the contrast and the contradiction. It captured my attention almost immediately and left me wanting more...

That being said, I'd have love the poem more if there were more paragraphs like that, that offer variations of what the world is and what it could be. Also if you could lengthen the entire thing itd be better.

Getting the readers attention is easy, maintaining it is the hard part, but with opening lines like yours I'm sure you'll manage just fine if you just put in a little bit more effort.

Other than that, it was an easy read; which is always a good thing.

Don't stop writing!!

Shh? (period instead)
Listen.

Shh.
Listen.
Can you hear that?
It's me.
I'm asking if you want to help me
make this world a better place.