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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hannah,
Actually what I meant by that was that bullets can miss and obviously they have, but his heart failure won't. It will kill him and there's nothing they can do to stop it.
Maybe you can understand that.
I'm hesitant to review this because it seems to be so personal, but if you're up to it, it could really stand to move others if you could stand to make it more personal.
What are the things that can only be taught by a dad? Show us the teaching of those things? What were the times when you were a zero? Show us how you felt then, how your dad fixed them.
next:
You’ve fought off war,
And always came back to our door.
Only for something like this,
Something that wont miss.
^ THIS IS AWESOME BUT I LITERALLY DID NOT UNDERSTAND (sorry, i will stop yelling) the first time i read through it. are you kidding? only for something like this, something that won't miss? as opposed to the bullets? you've got to find a way to give this the spotlight it deserves. set it apart in a stanza. or leave it to echo at the end, or let it introduce the beginning, but don't bury it in the middle where it's easy to dismiss it and move on to the next thing if i don't understand it.
also! just! a suggestion! i'd like to see what you'd do with this theme if it weren't in a rhyming poem. now, rhyming poetry is all well and good to help you get into poems, and it helps you learn to think about how you choose your words, but i feel like with a subject like this, it'd feel much more genuine unrestricted by a rhyme scheme. try it out!
otherwise, let me know if you have questions.
and if this is indeed true/personal, i'm sorry.
Yeah, it's very true actually.. But that's okay.
Hello there craz33me (your icon is very pink)! I, Murtle, usually known as Kyllorac, will be reviewing you today, on this very fine Review Day.
With that said, onto the review!
Now, normally I really don't like poems where the last words rhyme and nothing else matches up, but it works in this poem, and it really adds a lot to this. There's enough of a rhyme to make this sound a bit more poetic than just regular writing, and yet there's enough irregularity to make this feel sincere and not contrived. You did a really good job with striking a balance between the two, and for the most part, everything flows wonderfully.
There was one spot though where the flow tripped up though:
I think writing "won't" as "will not" would work better. It sounds like it flows better to me, at least.
This line is also a good example of the missing apostrophe. There's a couple of them missing in this poem, and even though it might seem like such a little thing, it really does take away from your poem as a whole. Combine this with how there's sometimes an apostrophe, and the missing apostrophes become more obvious as an error. Now, because poetry tends to be such a short, condensed form, each and every little error appears much larger than the same sort of error in a non-poem piece. It's a good idea to spend that extra little time combing through the poems you write to ensure that everything is perfectly the way it should be because of this.
Another thing you might want to consider is i]not[/i] capitalizing the first letter of every line. It gives the first word of each line a bit of extra oomph of emphasis, which isn't always necessary or good, and contrary to what you might have heard, not every line in a poem needs to be capitalized, unless it's part of that form (like in the case of sonnets). Since this poem doesn't adhere to a traditional form, it just struck me as strange that the first letter of every line was capitalized. As I mentioned before, it's really not necessary, and I think this piece might work better without such capitalization.
I normally am really careful. I hate grammatical errors..
I just typed it in a hurry on my blog then pasted it here. I had to get off the computer so I didn't really take my time like I normally would.
This was beautiful.
Truly it was utterly heart warming and quite sad.
I don't often feel properly, completely touched by things.
It is very rare for me to read something or see something and sit back and think 'I don't think anything could compare to that' but this was one of those times.
I enjoyed the rhyming couplets in there and the wonderful message that you put across
Family is special; Dad's in particular.
You're right there are things only a Dad can teach us.
Dad's take us fishing and play football with us (although mine rarely did because I don't like the sport very much).
Dad’s are there to be the strong family man and then they find themselves crying when you start secondary school.
We share Father's Day with our Dads.
We often talk to our Dad's about things that our Mums might not understand.
We all love our Dads no matter what they might do.
Well done on this piece of work.
You really should treasure it.
Because today you've shown us all how wonderful your writing really is.
Congratulations.
With wonderful poetry like this you will go far...
Thank you very much. It means a lot.