Chapter 1
While Ashley was walking home from the party, she started having this feeling that something or someone was watching her. When she got to her front yard she jogged up to the front door, thinking she was safe, But as she got up to it… someone stepped out of the darkness stepping and stepped in front of her stopping her from opening it. Ashley tried to pull away and run the Stranger grabbed her by the shoulders, biting her neck hard breaking the skin. She could feel their lips on her neck and her own blood pouring down. It felt hot as it ran down her neck onto her chest. Before she could do anything at all, her world went black. The last thing she remembered was feeling a pair of arms wrapping around her waist, holding her up. Ashley woke up in a room, but she couldn’t recognize anything about the room and that scared her. She looked around trying to see if there was anything she could see but the only thing that seemed odd was that the room didn’t have any windows. She looked around the room again, she thought maybe she missed one but no there were no windows at all. She couldn’t understand why it had no windows.
“What kind of person doesn’t have windows in the bedroom” she thought to herself.
She started to get this sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach, she didn’t know why she was here, and all she knew was that she wasn’t in her own house.
“How did I get here” she said out loud.
Suddenly she remembered what happened to her, she could still feel the blood running down her neck. She could feel it sticking on her chest as it dried, Ashley took a deep breath trying to calm herself down.
She tried to move and get out of the bed but a sharp pain shoot down her neck stopping at her chest. She cried out in pain and fell back onto the bed; her one hand was holding her neck the other pushing on her chest waiting for the pain to stop. Ashley felt tears fall from her eyes and land on her cheeks. At first it was only a few tears then all at once the tears started running down her face and no matter how hard she tried she couldn’t make them stop.
“Hello, Is anyone out there?” Ashley called out, the door was open so she hopped someone heard her.
Ashley looked around the part of the room that she could see, she seen that there was a stranger, a man now standing in the door way, Ashley screamed when she seen him in the door way.
“Hello, there Angle, I see that you’re awake. You have been passed out for a couple of days. How are you feeling?” asked the stranger as he walked into the bedroom.
“Who, who are you, what do you want with me?” questioned Ashley.
She went to get off the bed wanting to move away from him, he was standing right in front of the door way now so she couldn’t run out, but she wanted to keep as much distance between the two of them as possible. When Ashley got up she saw that there was blood covering the bedsheets and the floor, all the way from the door to the bed. She pushed her hand into her month to stop a scream when she realized the blood, all that blood was hers.
“Sorry but I wanted to have you to myself and marking you and making you one of us was the only way I knew how. This way your all mine and no one else can have you, and call me Matt” he answered the unspoken question in her eyes.
He walked over to the bed and took the sheets off, then he walked over to the bathroom and put the sheets to wash, Matt grabbed a wash cloth to clean the floor, he just realized this might not have been the best plan he ever thought of.
“Also I wouldn’t try to run if I was you, you’re too weak and I’m much faster than you”
“What the hell are you talking about making me you’re. And what is this about marking me!” yelled Ashley as she walked over to stand in the door way of the bathroom.
She wanted answer and she was going to get them, she could be scare later. Matt turned around and looked at Ashley, then walked over to her, grabbing her waist and pulling her close kissing her hard on the lips. Ashley tried to pull away but the pain in her neck made her cry out, she fell to the ground and started to cry from the pain Matt fell to the ground beside her and pulled her onto his lap.
“I’m sorry Angle I didn’t mean to hurt you, don’t worry after a few weeks you will see that being with me is the best thing for you” said Matt as he kissed her lightly again.
Ashley tried to push him away “Get away from me, I’m not yours and I never will be, I don’t care what you say”
Matt moved over to the bedroom and put her down on the bed and sat down beside her and turned so that he was looking into her eyes.
“Ashley I want to tell you what’s going to happen to you, please just let me explain everything after words you will understand more and I’m sure you will agree with me after” Matt explained.
“I love you” said Matt.
“How the hell can you love me, you don’t even know me. You’re just a creep; if you really love someone you wouldn’t kidnap them”
“Just shut up and listen while I explain, don’t think of saying anything until I’m done talking. I know I love you because you are my singer”
“What the hell is that, and that still doesn’t give you the right to kidnap me” Ashley noticed that his eyes were filled with anger and pain.
She didn’t know if the anger and pain where for her or him, all she knew was that she didn’t want find out.
“Matt I all want to do is go home”
“Shut up, you can’t go home anymore, now stop talking so I can explain”
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Canary word: Present
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hello, I'm Chaser. You've certainly got a nice piece here. Allow me to review.
It was kind of questionable to start the story like that. The main problem lies in that it picks up a bit too quickly from the calm. You can extend that creeping fear for another couple sentences, maybe even a paragraph. If it's that short, the reader gets that delicious dread for eight seconds at most. Go ahead and make them revel in the fear. It creates a bond with the character that we wouldn't otherwise have. Alternatively, you could start with the Stranger, and invoke terror instead.
The Stranger scene was excellently described and played; however, I'm going to have to ask you to at least give some detail on the Stranger itself. Right now, it could look like anything, and feel like anything. You could try to make the reader guess the terrifying details, describing it as "wrapped in shadow" or giving it some evil/scary feature.
I see what you did with the windows. Excellent hint-dropping.
I think the main problem Ashley is that she doesn't quite have a personality to follow in the beginning. The psychological aspect of a traumatizing situation is dependent upon a standard to differentiate from. Long story short, give her a soul earlier on.
I'd like to take a moment and say that you have great descriptions, touching upon what needs to be brought to light. However, I'd like an expansion of vocabulary or technique. I think a few spots where this became apparent are:
It's just a bit too repetitive for something that needs to be full-force. Alternatives will help keep your writing even fresher.
Other than that, the plot sounds intriguing. I'm not quite sure how things will go from here, but I'm willing to see how it goes. I do hope Matt and Ashley's relationship gets stronger. In conclusion, this piece could have a bit more variety in description, as well as a better use of the fear from the odd events. That would make it, at least in my opinion, astounding. Cheers!
-Chaser
Hi,
I felt the start of your chapter wasn't written like a story but rather like a summary of a movie. I feel there should be a little more to it to hook a reader and pull them in. Starting at the start of the action, of Ashley running away from a faceless pursuer would help. Also, there should be a brief fight or struggle on her side.
There's very little personalization to your characters, which leaves a great distance between reader and the characters.
I think there should be a little more backstory before your character is abducted. The dialogue also seems mind of clunky to me and it was hard for me to get into it. The end could to be edited so that it ends in something suspenseful.
Hope this helps.