Published April 25, 2009
Every day I sit here,
Staring at your perfect face.
Now I wonder how I'll ever
Fit into your embrace.
So many people of your past
Are still hanging out there.
Do I really want to be with you
With all their spirits still here?
Now I'm 6 Feet under
The influence of your love
Wonderin' if I'll ever get enough
But I think that we'll survive this mess
If we do it together.
Why is the world so cruel?
How can you do this to me?
When do we get some time alone
Just so we can be?
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The rhyme is a little tired to me, it seems kind of forced. Face ---> Embrace, There ---> Air. Now I'm no magician with rhyming so I tend not to do it very often. Songs don't have to rhyme. The chorus doesn't rhyme and that's perfectly fine, it still sounds nice. So I would try to smooth some of those rhymes out or just find different words that don't rhyme.
). The second to last line is a good lead up into the last one. So really its the middle line I have a problem with I guess 
Now that I look at it again I think it'd be fine if you just took that middle line out. It would match the stanzas more because everything would be four lines and I think it would flow a lot better.
The first stanza doesn't flow super well and I think the main culprit is the word 'gorgeous'. It doesn't really fit in to me, it sounds sort of juvenile. I think 'glorious' could work, 'wondrous', 'beautiful', not 'amazing' (that also sounds kind of juvenile).
I like the second stanza because it brings out the 'problem'. The last line is kind of the red flag for me. It doesn't fit in with the rest of the stanza. You already have a question there, which is good. But maybe try phrasing the question differently so it's not a continuation of the previous line. Like 'Is it worth the inevitable pain?'
The Chorus doesn't flow super well for me either. The first two lines are great and I like the last line (even though it's together not toghether
Keep working on it!
I wanna see you finish it!
-Carly
Thanks for the advice. It was just some random song I made up on the spot.
TO BE HONEST I DID NOT REALLY GET ANYTHING AWESOME FROM YOUR LYRIC. IT WAS TOO SHORT, AND THE THEME IS THE SAME ALL THE TIME. THE THEME THAT YOU PICKED IS USED TOO MUCH IN THESE DAYS. TRY TO WRITE ABOUT SOMETHING NEW. THE THING WHAT I DID LIKE WAS THE RHYMING AND THE DESCRIPTION. I WOULD GIVE YOU 3 OUT OF 5 STARS FOR THIS.