Hey guys! This is a short story that I'm writing to submit to something. However, it has a limit of ~1000 words, so (after struggling) I shortened it from 1700+ words down to 1054... and now it feels really rushed lol. Trying to decide if I should remove a scene or two. Anyways, any kind of feedback would be appreciated!
There was a scream as the girl fell down over the cliff.
In shock, we recoiled from the edge of the path. The girl’s purse hung from my brother’s hand.
“You fool!” I shouted. “Why did you push her?!”
I spun my flashlight wildly towards the direction she’d fallen. Nothing. All I could see was the ground sloping down into darkness.
My hands shook. The fall was steep – I’d seen it during the day before.
“I-I didn’t mean to!” Noah stammered. “She just wasn’t letting go of the purse!”
I grimaced. “Let’s get out of here. Quick!”
We tore through the woods. The foliage rustled around us, waking creatures from their sleep. Even with the flashlight, I could barely see five feet ahead.
“Jacob, are we there yet?” Noah asked pleadingly.
“Not yet!” My voice was trembling now. “Just let me focus!”
Noah was muttering as if he were insane. “I don’t like this place. Here, you hold the purse instead!”
Then, suddenly, he screamed. “Jacob! Stop! Someone’s following us!”
“Don’t be ridiculous. Keep moving!” I ran even faster, ignoring the thorns and branches that scratched at my arms. The cold air made my lungs ache.
Minutes passed in silence. We were almost out of here.
But wait, silence? I froze, and at the same time, all movement stopped.
“Noah?” I turned around. “What’s-”
A shadow was standing there, not too far away, wearing a familiar white dress. Surprised, I raised the flashlight higher.
Blood, as dark as ink, drenched the girl’s clothing, streaming down from a wound on her head. Her feet were bruised and bare. I didn’t dare look her in the face, but I didn’t have to. I already knew who she was.
“Give it back.” The cold, withering words carried on the breeze. Just then, she walked – or rather, jerked – towards me.
With a scream, I threw the purse and ran. The girl’s figure stayed there, watching me go with her bent, bloody body.
-------------------
Where was I going?
She tried to remember.
Ah, right. I was on my way home…
---------------------
Dorothy
“Mom…” The voice was muffled, coming from outside the window. “Mom!”
Though her eyes were closed, she thought she could see her daughter standing outside the house. Maybe she’d forgotten her keys.
With a jolt, Dorothy woke up and hurried downstairs. She flung open the door, expecting to see Angela waiting there.
But there was no one.
“Angela?” Dorothy called out, confused.
After a moment, her son joined her. “Mom, what is it? Is Angel home?”
“She was just here,” Dorothy insisted, distraught. “I heard her voice calling me, so I figured that she forgot her keys and couldn’t get in… Didn’t you hear her?”
Jason looked at her with wide eyes, then shook his head. “N-no, I didn’t hear anything. Maybe you were dreaming?”
Dorothy stared out into the dark, empty streets. “No, it can’t be.”
“But I really didn’t hear anything,” Jason said, sounding afraid. “Besides, she hasn’t answered any of my calls or texts…”
I waited. A gentle breeze swept past us into the house, but that was it.
Finally, I ran back into the house and grabbed my coat and car keys. I was swallowed by a strange fear.
“I’ll go look for her,” I told Jason. “If I can’t find her, I’ll call the police. Stay here and let me know if she comes back, okay?”
Jason nodded, looking terrified and small.
In the end, I couldn’t find her.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
The next day, the police found Angela’s purse in a woody area on the hill. And then they discovered a body. Even then, her family was in disbelief.
Two thieves confessed to the crime later, out of guilt. They claimed the murder was “accidental.”
Her little brother still couldn’t understand.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
One distant morning, Jason woke up after a nightmare. It was barely noon and so, so quiet.
He lay there for a while, his eyes welling with tears. This wasn’t the reality he’d wanted to wake up to either. Not at all…
Thud. Suddenly, something fell off his table. Jason got out of bed to check what it was.
A piece of candy – it was one Angela had given him a long time ago.
Puzzled, he looked up at the barely-open window. The curtains stirred softly in the breeze. Had the wind knocked it over?
Meanwhile, Dorothy was preparing to leave. She had to attend a meeting at the court that day. Over and over, she reminded me Jason to stay at home with Julie, his little sister, until their aunt arrived.
Before leaving, she glanced around the living room.
The day before, the furniture had been covered in dust, and she thought about cleaning them.
But had she imagined it? It was as if everything had been cleaned overnight.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
After his mother left, Jason played some music and lay down on the couch, trying not to think. He didn’t even remember falling asleep.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
When he woke up, the front door was ajar. He bolted up, his heart pounding with alarm. Was it a robber? Or had Julie…
He ran to check, but she wasn’t upstairs. So he raced outside and towards the playground in their neighborhood.
“Julie!” As expected, she was on her way there. When Jason found her, he dropped down and wrapped her in a hug. “How- why did you go out here?!” he cried out.
But Julie interrupted him, unaware. “Jason, when’s Angel coming back?”
“I don’t know,” he lied, tearing up. “I don’t know either…”
Bracing himself, he looked up at the hill far ahead, so close yet far away.
Then he noticed something.
A familiar, older girl stood ahead of them. She was wearing a simple white dress that glinted in the sun.
----------
I saw Jason open his mouth to speak, but he couldn’t. He could only stare at me in shock. I watched them for a moment longer, knowing this was the last time.
Then I turned away. As I did so, Jason finally called my name.
“A-Angela…!”
----------
But there was no answer. She continued walking – back towards the hill where her life ended.
“Why are you going there?” he wanted to ask. “Why can’t you come home with us instead…?”
With a sinking heart, he stayed next to Julie and watched her go.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,023 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
I really like the story however I do feel (like you had mentioned) that towards the end it does feel a little rushed. I think maybe you have too many small sections at the end that give it the rushed feeling. They are all good but maybe if you could mash a couple together? That might help
I do like how you also continued with the robbers story and not have just had them just accidentally killed Angel and that was it. The end for the robbers. But instead you mentioned out of guilt they told the truth revealing the mystery of who killed Angel. The murder was solved. Very nice touch!
I do also like how the girl when she died seemed very scary and then seemed to be in the presence also of her family when she was deceased bcs she still cared for them.
I imagine Jason must be the middle kid and Angel was the oldest. If this is true, you did a really good job showing Jason taking the stage for the next oldest in being in charge of the siblings. Even when he is still struggling about Angel's death, he's still there for his sister Julie. That's such a sweet moment and a sweet way to end the story with them being able to see thier sister one more time before she truely left!
Very nice writing work!
Tysm for the review! And yes, that's right! Angel was the eldest and Jason was the middle child.
Hey, cookiesandcream123!
And, you also mastered sentence length. The long sentence "I spun my flashlight wildly towards the direction she'd fallen" is cut short by the single fragment: "Nothing." That contrast was supreme and mirrors the slanted slope following the sharp drop off. (If my mental image was correct for this part. 
)
Thought I'd stop by for a quick review.
First of all, I want to say that you definitely have a talent with suspense and word choice. The beginning had me quite hooked. You used only a little detail, just enough to allow the reader to know what's going on, but not too much where it slows the pace of the story.
But, I do have a few critiques. I think I can assume you've already submitted this for the thing-for lack of a better word- that you mentioned at the beginning. I found this little story to be quite intriguing and think that you could (if you felt the motivation/inspiration) potentially turn this into a slightly longer piece that might run a little more smoothly.
The issue is that you introduced several characters in this one snapshot storyline, and I got rather confused between most of them. You didn't really mention a lot about the individual character's descriptions which might help set them apart from each other. Gradually, I did figure out how most of the characters were related, but explaining it a little earlier on would probably be helpful.
I also felt like it was a little choppy. Granted, you were under a word count so you had to shorten it somewhere, but had I been here before you submitted this part, I would have recommended cutting out some of the shorter paragraph-sized or smaller time skips.
Overall, this piece was stellar. Especially the very suspenseful beginning. I was amazed with a lot of your word selection/phrasing. Like here...
"I spun my flashlight wildly towards the direction she’d fallen. Nothing. All I could see was the ground sloping down into darkness."
In that one sentence, you mastered description, giving me a strong mental image of what's going on without the rambles of an ancient novel, if you know what I mean.
Again, great job, and keep up the great work!
-Kaia
*Edit. I didn't realize you'd already addressed the fact that you don't want to continue it. Sorry. I didn't read every one else's reviews before I did my own.
All the same, though, you did a remarkable job here.
Hai Kaia!
You're right about the characters lacking description... I really needa start working on things like that, haha. And I'm glad the beginning was suspenseful. I totally didn't think that far when I wrote the short "Nothing" sentence, but wow... that's deep. That's some great thinking and analysis right there! :0
And yes, I already submitted it. But your feedback is still a lot of help, so thank you for reading and leaving a review!
Thxs again for the review!
Absolutely. Glad to help out a fellow writer.
Hi, quick review for this story!
When I first saw this, I saw how long it was and I was kind of unsure about reading this, but then I read the first few sentences and I decided to continue reading. This is definitely a very spooky story, I really enjoyed reading it.
Since you had to cut words, it does feel a little rushed, so I was a little confused about the transition of characters, and how the perspectives changed, and I wasn't really sure of the characters' names.
The switching of first and third person at the end was also a little bit weird.
In this paragraph, the perspectives seem to change from third person to first person and being Angela.
The perspective part was probably the only thing that I thought you should change, but other than that, I really liked it and you should write more horror stories in the future!
Thank you for the review!! And you're right; I thought I'd put the little /\/\ border there during the perspective change, but I must've forgotten.*facepalm* I'll add it in now. Thanks for pointing it out!
Hello!
This is a dark and suspenseful story that involves a murder, and it is divided into two parts. In the first part, a group of people accidentally push a girl over a cliff while trying to steal her purse. They run away, but the main character is haunted by her ghost when he gets home. In the second part, a woman wakes up in the middle of the night thinking she hears her daughter's voice outside the window. The daughter is later found murdered, and the family is left in disbelief. The story then jumps forward to a time when the daughter's brother is alone in the house and hears strange noises, which leads him outside to investigate.
The story is well-written, with good pacing and a sense of tension that builds throughout. The characters are well-developed, and the reader can feel their emotions and fears. The use of foreshadowing and imagery creates a sense of unease, and the supernatural elements add to the mystery and suspense of the story. The ending is left open to interpretation, which leaves the reader with a sense of dread and uncertainty. Overall, this is a well-crafted and engaging story that will keep the reader on the edge of their seat.
Heyo! I’m gonna leave a review.
Before I begin;
This is a great horror story. The beginning reels in the reader instantly which is a great quality to have in writing. Good job on that.
Now let’s begin;
First off, the story does seem rushed. It cuts from scene to scene sloppily. Meaning, the scenes don’t flow together. I do understand writing with a limit does cause this so the best thing to do is reread your writing just see if the flow seems good enough to you. If so then great! If not then you might want to do some revising.
Second, take out this little scene (Below 👇)
“Where was I going?
She tried to remember.
Ah, right. I was on my way home…”
I only say take this scene out because it just seems unnecessary. It quick, small, and vague so I don’t see the point in keeping it. However, it is up to you if you want to keep or discard this short scene.
Thirdly, the perspectives are confusing. It seems to go between third and first person which is confusing especially since this story moves a little too fast. To me, it seems like each separate scene the perspective changes. For example, after Dorothy’s scene it immediately changes to third person for what I believe is Jason’s perspective. (Starting line: The next day). So maybe try and clear up the different perspectives or just keep it to one.
Overall, great story! Keep up the great work.
☁️SkyJayde☁️
This is an awesome story. I love horror stories, and this is one of the best ones I have ever read. First of all, I love the opening. Accidental murders happen, it's no secret. What's worse is that the person who did it does not know what to do. They just killed someone, and it was an accident. Second of all, the ghost is a great idea. The shot of her ghost walking over the hill symbolizes acceptance of her death, and that she is truly never coming back. Overall, this is a really good story. Keep writing!
Oh my gosh!
I love this! The first part running through the thorns and bushes, I could also picture I was there, running with them. I love how you instantly threw us into this story with a dramatic scene.
The fear your characters must have felt was speaking through to me, it was as if I was there witnessing the horror with them.
Great job, have a good day xoxo
I LOVE the horror genre, I feel like I can visualize the scenes the same way you do, so I see the story you want to share. However, I can see how you felt rushed with this and it's very apparent that you cut many things out. I suggest you do fewer time jumps and perspective switches, it made the story lose its flow for me.
The opening scene was terrific, I was instantly gripped by the story, and the imagery of the bloody girl in a white dress was classic. I feel the ending fell flat though, I didn't get an overall message or meaning to the story. I suggest replacing some scenes with a little bit of a background to Angel on her motives and why she could care about the purse so much in the first place.
I didn't mean to be too harsh with anything, I said everything because I think this story could be that much better! this was a good read!
Thanks for the review!! And yeah, I agree, I felt like something was missing from the ending too. Currently I'm tryna fix the 2nd half of the story, and lowkey I'm getting kinda sick of it (T__T) but I have till Friday so.. yay!(?) Anyways, thank you for the feedback, it's really helpful and I'll keep it in mind as I'm rewriting this!
hi cookiesandcream123,
I Love your stories!
"Angel" is amazing, you did a great job again! I would say continue it, (if you want to of course). But I really want to read what's going to happen next tbh.
***
"Angel" is an exciting and horror short story about the murder of Angel.
The story begins with two boys running through the woods after one of them accidentally pushes a girl off a cliff.
I like this part where Noah is just not aware of what he has just done.
Jacob on the other hand is alert and tries to get him and his brother away from the crime scene.
Question: am I reading in Noah or Jacob's perspective over there, I got a bit lost.
***
Dorothy, Angel's mom is worried about her daughter, as is her brother, Jason. And Julie on the other hand, their little sister, wonders when Angel is coming home. I think it's rather sad for her, not being able to know the truth. But she's still little so, I can understand.
***
The way the story is told creates a sense of fear and urgency as the two boys are chased by a mysterious figure and the girl's mother searches for her missing daughter.
The writing is descriptive, with sentences such as "The foliage rustled around us, waking creatures from their sleep" and "Blood, dark as ink, drenched the girl's clothes, streaming down from a wound on her head" creating vivid mental images. I love that, it keeps readers as me engaged to the story.
You got that very on point!
One of the most striking parts of the story is the ending, in which the girl's brother finds a piece of candy that she had given him, suggesting that her spirit is still present in the house. This detail adds an extra layer of horror to an already chilling story.
Overall, "Angel" is a well-written short story that keeps the reader engaged from beginning to end. The tension, suspense and scary atmosphere are expertly created and the characters are relatable and likeable.
The story is a perfect read for fans of horror, mystery and suspense.
You did a great job! You have a wonderous writing style which I admire very much. Keep up the good work!
PS: I really hope you continue it!
- Rinisha
Aww, thanks Rinisha! I probably won't continue it because that's all there is to the story, but I'm glad the ending made you curious! As for the first part, it was from Jacob's POV. Thxs again for the kind words