Emily’s P.O.V
‘Why was he acting so weird,’ my head tilted to the side a little when I witnessed this off-beat behavior. He was crazy enough, I didn't need him to be two times worst. Jett’s pupils shook rapidly as his smirk widened. He murmured some words, but they weren't lucid enough for me to comprehend. “Jett!” I snapped my fingers in his face to awaken him from his abstraction.
“Emily, where did you put that clock?” His eyes converted back to their customary state.
“In your room,” I responded. He started walking to the living room where the fireplace was.
“I need you to get that clock and burn it, okay?” Jett knelled down and stacked wood into the fireplace. Did all sanity just leave his mind?
“What?! Why would you burn the clock…Why would you want to burn anything in the first place?!” My voice echoed across the house. I was so confused; my mind tried to find reasons for this behavior.
“That walking cadaver gave it to us! That kid that went into my house. I don’t even know the kid and he knew my name. Makes me want to change it,” He stated out of fury. When the fire ascended from the chimney corner, it made Jett’s eyes light up slightly orange; I could see the ember fluctuating in the air.
“I’m going to get the clock,” I declared while sauntering through the long hallway. My feet entered the enormous bedroom. I began examining his dresser and spotted the item I was looking for. The hands weren't moving and the clock handles were dust-free; this was a completely new clock. ‘Why would anyone want to burn such an item?’ I reflected in confusion. My hands grasped the petite pocket watch and suddenly, the handles activated, but progressed backwards. For some reason, this current of undesirable emotions swelled over me. I paid no mind to the bizarre experience and strolled back to where Jett was. “Here you go,” he looked up at me when those words came out; perspiration trickled down from his cheeks.
“Thanks,” He reached for the entity but without warning, a deafening ticking sounded through our ears. It was almost insufferable.
“You hear that?” I asked while covering my ears, thinking that my mind was playing tricks. He used a nod to respond. The noise got more echoic; it was like nails scratching against a blackboard.
“Come on. It’s coming from my room,” Jett stated and stood as we bolted to his bedroom door. An intense, blatant light bordered it and as the cacophony continued, it got more luminous. It was almost blinding, reflecting in our eyes. The thought of a door being the last object I see was daunting, but I had to be valiant; we both had to be. “On the count of three we open the door! One…Two…Three!” The door opened with Jett’s touch revealing the thought-provoking scene. All the clocks glowed and floated around the room. The ground was now a sea of pictures that were marked with various scenes. They formed a bright long tunnel running downwards. My eyes sparkled at the astonishing sight before me.
“What is this? Who are all these people on these photos?” I looked up to Jett, who was observing the clocks in bewilderment. I noticed that a light came from the watch I possessed.
“I don’t know! I don’t know why I’m yelling, but this is amazing!” A grin grew on his face as he looked at me. “Let’s jump in!” He seized my hand securely.
“Whoa! What!? Jump in as in jump into a tunnel that could lead anywhere?” I questioned him and gave a look of trepidation at his declaration.
“Yep!” He nodded without hesitation.
“Are you crazy?” My wrist tried to elude itself from his grasp, but he was too strong. “Curse your stronghold!” After a while, I gave up. He gave me a strange look like he was asking ‘Are you done yet?’ “Fine, I’ll go!” I sighed in exasperation. As soon as I exclaimed those words, we jumped into the lightened passageway; we looked at the glow of the watch and then to the pictures. There were images of people smiling, people crying, people glaring, and people facing death. I eyed them as we landed safely on a dark red, brick floor. Even though a dense fog clouded our vision, I could tell we were under something big.
“Where are we?” I wandered some while scrutinizing out into the unknown.
“I don’t know?” When Jett said that, the wind began to blow harshly. The haze was dwindling; it revealed a mysterious figure that was coming nearer. All was tranquil for a while. Not a sound was overheard from anyone. We both observed the shadowy enmity from afar, for it started to form into a shape of a boy.
“I’m glad you took care of my watch ma’am. Can I please have it back,” The innocent sounding voice came closer as the miasma completely receded. ‘The kid from before,’ I gawked at his smile and his radiant eyes.
“Demon-eyed freak!” A holler came from alongside me.
“Shut it you jerk!” I jabbed his side forcibly. It caused him to tumble over. My feet began to stroll to the youngster. “Hi cutie,” I stooped down to his eye-level and tugged gently on his cheek. He was unbelievably cute… to me at least.
“Can I have it back?” He requested again, this time, his tone of voice got slightly lower. I knew I didn't aspire to let him retain it. I saw something in this watch; some type of significance in it.
“Um, I’m afraid not-” I replied in the sweetest way possible.
“Can I at least see it? Pretty please?” He pleaded with puppy eyes. It was just a face that I couldn't say no to.
“Okay. But you have to give me a hug, okay?” He nodded as I placed the watch in his hands. I embraced him in no time at all. My eyes closed, for I loved the youth of this world. Suddenly I felt this strange feeling. This feeling of wind gusting around me but, I disregarded it.
“Uh, Emily?” Jett’s shaky voice came from behind. My eyes slowly opened back up. To my surprise, the boy’s shoulders were now his pants legs. My eyes widened and my heart throbbed. Steadily, I fell back, seeing a structure that only a teen could acquire.
“You know, surprisingly, you open your door to some stranger and let them into your house,” He smirked and twirled the watch around. “But, I did very much enjoy that hug and the complement, cutie. So, thank you very much. I literally owe my life to you,” I saw him curtsy to me. His eyes where gleaming; It was like he was peering at my soul.
“Get the heck away from my sister,” Jett’s voice echoed through the whole place. The teen arose while his nostrils flared.
“Do you expect me to listen? This is a special watch. Why would you want it?” He asked while walking around us. “Emily, do you know why your brother likes watches?”
“No. I...um” I looked back, seeing Jett’s glare. I've haven’t seen him glower in ages. It was like seeing a new side of him. He looked away, gritting his teeth. The conversation and his demeanor made me quiver. “Keep that in mind,” Suddenly, a plethora of songs played in our ears deafeningly. It was like a million clock songs mixing into a massive church. It made me want to cover my ears “I’m running out of time so to you, I wish to see you again, definitely,” He grinned at me. Then, he gave an intimidating look to my brother. “And to you, this is war. By the way, my name is Nathan, not demon-eyed freak! I will see you again, hopefully dead,” Nathan slowly walked to the edge of the floor boards.
“Wait!” I yelled across the room. He stood there motionless.
“Yeah?” He rotated, showing his simper.
“What did you mean?” I could overhear my voice cracking.
“You’re his sister. Ask the idiot yourself,” Nathan answered. His body started to disappear until he was part of the air. My heart begged for an explanation. Dead silence filled the atmosphere. This frustrating sensation could only be cured with enlightenment.
“Well, that was weird. Let’s get out of here,” Jett stood leisurely and walked toward my shadow.
“Why do you like clocks, Jett?” Those words faintly came from my lips. I kept glancing at him; his expression said it all. I wanted to trust him but after the questioning, I just couldn't. The seconds that were being owned by quietness were growing at a fast rate. "Jett-"
"We don't have time....you don't have time," It was then that I grasped the concept that he had no thought of informing me. I glared at him intensely and hoisted myself up. Everything had to have a reason; was this answer too horrible or just some type of joke. "Now let's go somewhere else and forget about this because there are other things to worry about in life. No?" He put on that set beam on again.
Sometimes, I wish I could just know what he was thinking… for once in my life.
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Is the part in ' ' a thought she's having? If so, I personally find it easier to distinguish if it's in italics without the ' '.
The words in bold - I'm not sure if they're the best choice. Think about who your audience is (YA?). Teenagers might not know what those words mean. Also, think about your characters. How old are they? Again, not a lot of teenagers know those words so it might not be realistic for your characters to be using them.
I'm confused about why she has such a strong reaction to this. I would understand why she would be confused about why he would want to burn a clock someone gave him, but the way I read that, she freaked out. Is she afraid of fire? Does she think it's offensive to destroy a gift? Is she in a league with the bad guy?
Bold #1: I mean, that other guy wasn't literally a walking cadaver. That would make him a zombie. Is this Jett's way of expressing fear/anger/annoyance? I might go with a different description here.
Bold #2: We already know that and Emily knows that so he doesn't have to say it.
Bold #3: I'm not feeling this. I think it's too passive. Try something like "His voice rose" or "He gritted his teeth" to show how furious he is.
Bold #4: Really confused about this phrase. I'm not sure if you're talking about the literal fire, or Jett's eyes, or what. And I'm not sure if fluctuating is the right word.
What? I'm confused.
Why did she feel that way after the clock started moving backwards? Is this going to be an important plot point later? If not, cut it.
What are these "undesirable emotions"? Can you get a little more specific?
She has all of these bad feelings yet she's like whatever, no big, going to go give this clock to my brother now? That seems weird to me. If I felt a wave of bad emotions (I'm thinking fear, anxiety, sadness, anger) I would notice and I would pay attention to it.
In bold: You can just say "He nodded."
Ticking can sound like nails scratching against a blackboard?
Bold part - what kinds of scenes?
Is this necessary to the plot? If not, cut it.
Also, you can say "I noticed light coming from my watch." It's more active and less wordy.
Is this something a teenager would really say? (Again, guessing at the ages...)
Looking instead of scrutinizing.
One thing I'm noticing is that you're trying to account for every second of time with your writing. Like here - you have a piece of dialogue and then you make a point to say that as he's saying that the wind also starts to blow.
You could say: "I don't know?" Jett said as the harsh wind began to blow.
See how you're getting all of the same points across - Jett says something and wind starts to blow, but it's a lot more concise and active?
There are other examples of this throughout, and if I don't point them all out and you want me to, I'd be happy to go back through and do that.
In bold: what does that word even mean?
First sentence: the way this is worded it sounds like her feet are acting of their own accord, that she has no conscious thought to start walking towards this guy.
I'm confused. I thought this person they saw was the guy from before - the red eyed guy? Is that true or is this someone else? Her stooping down to his eye level makes me think it's a kid or something. What makes this guy cute? If it's the same guy as before (red eye guy) she's already seen him so did she think he was cute back then or is this some new epiphany?
"His voice lowered" - same idea, more concise.
What?
That first sentence - again think about your audience and the age of this character. "I knew I didn't want him to have it" would sound more realistic to me. Also, why does she know this? What kind of significance is she seeing in his watch?
What? That easy? I thought she knew she didn't want him to have it.
What is Jett doing during all of this? Is he still on the ground?
She seems to disregard a lot...
I'm so confused. I have no idea what's going on right now.
Whaaaaaat? Still really confused.
He really likes Emily but not her brother just because she complimented him and gave him a hug and the watch?
He immediately declares war on Jett for what reason? And he escalates it to I hope you die for what reason?
No idea what "showing his simper" means.
She wouldn't overhear her voice cracking. It's her voice.
"My voice cracked." - same information, more concise.
What?
I find it hard to believe that he didn't have a stronger reaction to this guy (that he was already really apprehensive and wary of earlier) declaring war on him and wishing him dead...
"I said softly/quietly/faintly"
What?
Hoisted herself up from what? I thought she was standing.
Did Emily come to some sort of realization? I'm totally lost.
What?
I skimmed the first chapter before I read this chapter, but I'm still horribly confused. What genre is this? What time period is this? Where am I? Who are Jett and Emily? What's with the clocks? What's with this Nathan guy? What's with this portal thing in the floor they went through? I think you could use more description. I don't feel like I can picture any of this or get a real handle on these characters or the situation they're in.
You have a great vocabulary, but be careful with it. You don't have to throw every vocabulary word you know for it to be a great story, you just have to transport us to this world you're creating and make your characters feel real. (pretty easy task :p) I'm personally a fan of concise, snappy writing and you have a wordier style. So take all of my suggestions about how to make it more concise with a grain of salt if you don't like that style. I just think there are times it gets wordy or I feel muddled up in all of the words instead of enjoying the prose and getting a feel for your world and characters.
All that being said, I think you could have something cool here. I don't read much fantasy so I don't know if time and clocks are a common thing in that genre, but I think it's a cool concept. You also have a lot of conflict right off the bad which is really good. There are a lot of things I want to figure out about your characters (and in the first couple of chapters of a book, you want your characters to be wondering things), but you also don't want your reader to be confused. I would recommend dropping a few more tidbits about this world (not info-dumping, just tidbits) to help the reader.
Let me know if you have any questions or if anything is confusing!
Thank you. I meant of there to be a lot of questions about the book. This is more in the mysterious section with a slow pace. The next chapters with give a bit more info each time
Well cookie, you've done it again. What have you done? You've astounded me with your out of this world vocabulary and wonderful sense of creativity. It was as if I was on the journey to this unknown world as Jett and Emily were. The use of clocks and time in this series intrigues me to the max. I was always one for staring at the clock when I was younger in an attempt to make the second hand move backwards. I never succeeded but I still never underestimate how precious each second we get is. Jett strikes me as a villain. He hides many things from his sister and shies away when questioned, he may not be guilty of anything but he sure is showing many signs of it. Emily is completely oblivious to this world that Jett is eerily too familiar with and Nathan seems to have a thing for Emily and has a bone to pick with Jett. What could have wrong? That is what I look forward to gain an understanding of. Continue to write and I'll continue to read.
-----> Merrysleuth
Hi!
I was really excited to start reading the chapter, and you met my expectations. Good job! But you do have some errors that I'll point out. And by the way I didn't read the other review so there'll probably be repeats:
'"I need you to get that clock and burn it." Jett knelled--' I think you meant knelt or kneeled.
'"Makes me want to change it," He stated out of fury.' The 'He' should be lowercase.
'"Thanks," He reached for the--' Again the He should be lowercase, because there is a comma before you closed the quotation. I would probably change the comma to a period.
'This feeling of wind gusting around me but, I disregarded it.' The comma should go before the but.
'His eyes where gleaming--' I think you meant to put were gleaming.
'I've haven't seen him glower in ages.' You should have, I haven't, instead of 'I've haven't.'
That's all that I saw and really great work! I'm excited to see what Nathan is going to do next. I'll be watching for Chapter 3!
Keep writing,
B.E. Writer
Hi there! Noelle here to review as requested. And as I promised, I have indeed read the first chapter.
A reviewer once gave me good advice about introducing characters in new chapters. You always want to use their name at the beginning so as to not confuse anyone. Sometimes things can get lost in the transition from chapter to chapter. So instead of the 'he' in Emily's thoughts, Jett's name should be used. This is especially important because you're switching points of view. We don't know if this chapter picks up at the exact time that the first chapter leaves off or it Emily is doing something else and thinking of a completely different person.
Also, with thoughts it's fine to just leave them in italics. You don't need the single quotation mark as well.
One thing I love about this novel is the clocks everywhere. It's in the title, Jett collects clocks, he always knows what time it is, the mysterious boy mentions time and says that the clocks told him something. The whole story so far seems to revolve around clocks. That's definitely an original concept. I don't think I've ever come across a novel like this. And I think it's great that you're focusing so much on these clocks.
It should be 'knelt' instead of 'kneeled'.
I have one quick comment from the first chapter that just popped into my mind. So Jett works at this clock shop. Does he own it or does he work for someone there? I found it a bit odd and kind of unrealistic that he left the shop after just a few minutes of talking with this mysterious boy to go home. Wouldn't he be needed at work? Sometimes you can't just drop everything to go do something else. Characters are not excluded from that rule.
So why is it that she's the one that gets the clock? This whole time she's arguing with Jett about not burning the thing and wondering why he'd want to, and then she just gives in. What changed? I had expected Jett to just push past her and grab the clock himself before she could stop him.
I'm glad that you chose Emily's POV to tell the story of the clocks and the tunnel appearing. Something about the way she reacted was just perfect. I mean, Jett wants to jump in right away and wasn't going to wait for anything. What's the fun in that? Emily is being cautious and curious. It was refreshing to see the hesitation and then her finally giving in to it.
Well, you've definitely left us hanging here. What is this tunnel and what's so special about this watch? And why did this boy want Jett to have the watch when he'd just want it back again? So many things left unexplained, which is great! We'll find all the answers to that stuff later on.
One main thing that I've noticed while reading is that there's a lack of description. There's enough that I understand what's going on, but there are some things that get glossed over in the process. For example, in one single paragraph the tunnel appears and they go through it. In one single paragraph the boy changed into a teen. I feel like a lot more time could've been spent explaining what was happening and going into more detail. Don't feel the need to rush things. Slow it down. There's a point in the first chapter this happens as well, when Jett is heading to work. All of the sudden he's just there.
Overall this is a very interesting story. Like I've mentioned, I'm interested to learn more about these clocks. There's obviously something that Jett is hiding and it definitely seems like something that would change everything. Why else would he be hiding it?
Your characters are great. I can definitely see the relationship the two of them have. They fight a lot and actually remind me of me and my little brother xD Their quirky, snappy dialogue really fits in with the story and really helps develop both of their characters. They seem like a perfect brother sister team suited for an adventure.
Let me know when you post the next chapter! I'd love to find out what happens next.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thank you very much