I have walked forward forever,
Never wanting to look back.
I already know that I am a goner,
My past, present and future have gone black.
It was my choice to walk away,
I knew the consequences I would have to later face.
Now there is no other way,
Even as I wished for this to be nothing more than a phase.
Broken is how I now stand,
Lost is what I now am.
And before I disappear just please try to understand,
That I was already a little lone lamb.
Now watch as I completely vanish into thin air,
I was never there.
Now I was never here.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Mizzle:
Thank you. and that was also my favorite part of my poem. And i will try to make it more, imaginary.
BenFranks:
Thank you also. Short ones that pack a punch, got it!
Hullo!
I think that this poem has potential, but it isn't really pulling through as it should because of the structure. By this I mean that your effect of chosen language is perfectly admirable, but the elongated lines have disturbed the rhythm and pace. There's also not many short lines that pack a punch.
I think this was brilliant:
My main suggestion?
Erm, cut up some of the lines. Vary punctuation and throw in some heavy stabbing imagery that's going to make me want to read it again and again and again.
Keep up the good work,
Ben
Hey, Confused. So, you have a lot of reviews, however, I'd like to say I liked this a fair amount.
I adored this part:
"Broken is how I stand,
Lost is what I now am."
It's fantastic. It made the poem all the better.
Seeing as they pointed out most of your mistakes, there weren't too many, I'm just gonna add make us feel more for you, describe surroundings or something...make us feel alone, desperate, etc. Whatever it is you feel.
Tata.
-Mizz
Thank you, and I guess that I could try to make the meaning more significant. Try being the key word. I'm more better at writing stories because I can make it long enoung where it'll show the plot and description. It just takes me some time to write one.
Hi there!
I like this poem quite a bit, I love the subject matter and simple way which you've chosen to approach it.
However, I do have some suggestions for you. I think that the couplet's don't do your poem justice, you could easily make each couplet into a stanza, and tell us more. The main thing I'd like to see would be your telling us more about why all this is happening/has happened. Right now you have a poem which is at it's bare bones, I think it needs some more meat to push it forward.
This could be a brilliant poem, not just a good one. Including a little more description, some metaphors or similes to show us what it feels like, how it really is, may help. Added to this, I would seriously reconsider the rhyming. Many of your rhymes are slant rhymes, which are words that only kind of rhyme and this adds to the odd feel of the poem. Removing the rhymes will mature your poem, have it be less sing-song and more serious, which I think the subject of your poem implies but misses in tone.
If you change this, or have any questions, please PM me, I'd love to help in any way I can.
~ Penguin.
As a side note completely unrelated to your poem, when you said "lamb" I was reminded of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2FX9rviEhw
ALSO. Welcome to YWS!!!!
Yeah... it's pretty epic! It's an extreme herding sort of thing!
As far as your poem goes, I find it rather sad. But I have to wonder... I'm not quite sure if you're talking about being "spiritually" lost or what since you used "lamb" as a reference, but nothing else seemed to concretely point to being spiritually lost (though I can see it if it is). I don't know... the whole vagueness bugs me. So I would definitely try to firm some of the imagery up.
Hope this helps!
ab5986:
Thank you too. I went back and fixed number 2. And tried on 1. lol, I can't tell if it's any better. Thank you for reviewing and likeing my poem.
Hi, your poem is very nice, but there were a couple of things that bothered me:
1)
It's in the spirit of the poem, but it kind of breaks the rhythm.
2)
You should try to avoid using the same word too many times, and English is a language with a wide variety of words.
I liked your poem, and especially the ending,
It has a feel of strength and finality, I hope you will continue writing beautiful poems, sincerely, ab5986.
antimelrose:
I just wanted it to be sort of a mystery.
No, thank you for telling me what I did wrong or could use some improvement on. I spent a few hours on this( I don't know why) and kept using spellcheck. By the time I got to the end, I was like, forget it.
Um, when I was writing, My past, future, and present. I had a different idea in mind on what I was doing. Then it took a different turn and I didn't realize that as a mistake.
Then for there being no background information on to why this character was feeling the pain that she was, was really because, well I have no reason for it.
But the main point of me starting to write again, is that I want to get better. So I am really trying to find my weak points and work on them. So I welcome the, criticism. Thank you for telling me whaT I did wrong and in a nice way. You weren't meant about it, at all.
Hello, confused! This poem had some okay moments, but there are a few glaring grammar and spelling errors that need fixing. The meter was a bit messy as well, but if you could reduce all the lines to the same amount of syllables (or follow a pattern), that should be solved.
The latter line of the second stanza says:
I'm not entirely sure why you chose to play with the order of the three chronological nouns, but it does seem odd. What really needs tweaking is "has", which should be used with a single noun, not plural ones; "have" is what you're looking for.
Also, "dissapear" has one "s" and two "p's".
Finally, there doesn't seem to be much of any background information that could help out the reader as to why the narrator experiences such pain, or fades at the end. There doesn't have to be a huge story line–subtle implications work perfectly well. I do think that "Gone" has potential, but I think you may wish to consider some revision. (I really don't mean to be so harsh!)
See you around.
–antimelrose