We'll stand up to the boss
and throw shit at his feet
Forget corporate America;
the great and unattainable,
all American Dream
Come away with me
We will have a good life
and live our own way.
We'll escape this hell
to become happier people
In a distant world
Let their blood become botox;
their skin become stretched
we'll have heaven on earth
right here on my desk.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
hey this is dogs.
first of all. welcome to YWS. hope you enjoy it here
that is quite the title for a poem. and i noticed that the poem really doesn't flow at all. its just kinda words thrown on a piece of paper. you could make it rhyme or something. i'm not very sure that this poem belongs in the lyric section. perhaps in the narrative or dramatic section. but if you like it in the lyric section i would suggest that you throw in a metaphor. and try to tell the reader something.
if you like the poem the way it is you should move it to a different place and also make it longer. and also really pay close attention to snoink and modkip. what they are saying is very important.
so best of luck to you in the future.
First of all, welcome to YWS! If you need any help, feel free to bug me.
Okay! So the critique!
At the moment, it seems like you don't really like expanding on your ideas, if that makes any sense. For example:
That's an awkward transition! More than that, the awkward transition is created because you didn't explain why you're doing all of this. Why do you forget corporate America? And you (almost) answer it in the next two lines, but like I said, it's an "almost" answer. You say the American Dream is great an unattainable, but you never say why it's great and unattainable. So you are writing to a small audience of disenfranchised Americans. But I think it would be better if you used powerful imagery to expand the audience. For example, let's look at some anti-American song lyrics, shall we?
This is a song called "America," by Simon and Garfunkel. Lovely song, no?
Anyway, they're making fun of America by using imagery to highlight the sense of loss that they feel by being Americans. They talk about money, drugs, land, government, and treat it with a playful tone, but finally the narrator admits that, even with all this searching, he has no idea where America is. And, with all the imagery used and the location names, he seems to be lost in a vast wasteland in which ghosts wander, not knowing where America, or the American dream, is.
And that's what the first stanza of your poem lacks. You need to say why the American dream is great and unattainable before you can finally go to the next stanzas, which hint of sex and freedom away from an imaginary world which only confines people.
You're really close though! You just need to say why.
Anyway, good luck with editing and, if you have any questions, feel free to bug me!
Hi there! I don't usually critique poetry, so forgive me for being a little awkward.
Firstly, the title of this poem. I'm not sure you know what antidisestablishmentarianism means. It actually means this:
(source)
...which I don't think is quite your point here.
Moving on, your point. What is your point? You're dissatisfied with America? Snoozefest. Nobody wants to hear you gripe about America being lame or whatever, especially since you don't present any reasons why. Plenty of whiny people complain and complain about America without ever actually providing a reason why. So I really have a hard time taking this poem seriously, because right now, it sounds like someone complaining for the sake of complaining. Poetry should be a medium to present an insightful point, and right now? Your point isn't very insightful.
Lastly, it doesn't seem like this poem is very concise. First, the speaker complains about corporate America and standing up to the boss for absolutely no discernible reason, then the second stanza addresses an audience and invites them to go away somewhere for, again, no discernible reason. And the last stanza starts talking about Botox? I'm not sure what metaphorical/poetic value any of that has when tied back to your main point.
Like I said, it just seems like this poem was written to complain for the sake of complaining. Try coming up with a point that people might want to read about, and then go from there.
Peace and love,
Teague