I look at the honeybees and old willow trees,
I'm staring when a butterfly is passing by,
Because the dark wide open sky ,is above me,
Just like birds I can fly and wait for a chance,
For me it is not all very easy, so for now I dance,
I move forward very slow that is how I'll grow,
In my Heart I know there is distance between us,
Only we are never far from each other apart,
Because distance doesn't matter as long I make
a promise within my fragile Heart,
Broken bones and stepping stones are all I see,
What I need are strong Homes to set myself free,
After every storm the Path behind it becomes clear,
How sweet Life can be is what I see when I'm with
you and all the rest doesn't matter anymore to me,
my dear, because of you I can lose my fear.
By: Meg.
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140,178 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
What attracted me to the poem was the beautiful title. It was really attractive.
The start was good, with nice imagery. But then the things went a bit clumsy. The choice of words is good but the sentences are not properly put together. The use of punctuations is done carelessly. You have used a lot of commas unnecessarily. Capital letters are used in the middle of sentences. The flow is also poor, and it ruined my enthusiasm for reading it.
I think that a few changes in the setup will do the thing. It would be great if you add a bit of rhymes, the will make the reading as well as imagery enjoyable.
The meaning behind your poem is really adorable. Keep on writing!
Hello!
I really love how beautiful this poem feels. It really brings out a peaceful picture in my mind that complements the message it's trying to portray. Your word choice really helped with conjuring that scene, and the opening lines alone does the job very well. It's a beautiful start to a beautiful poem!
There was definitely a lot of commas in here that didn't necessarily belong. Try writing out the piece as sentences to get an idea of where the full stops or periods would usually belong and then put in line breaks and things from there. You can get very creative with punctuation, we just don't want it to be distracting! It should aid the reader as they read the piece. It should complement the theme of your piece.
I found it very interesting that despite the beautiful picture this poem set up for me, the third line depicted the sky as dark, and I'm not sure why butterflies and birds are flying around at night? Perhaps that's what you were trying to go for, but then it doesn't really tie in well enough for that concept to be clear.
From what I can see, the poem is about overcoming one's fears contributing to loneliness. The speaker is alone and is missing the one they love, but despite all the storms and damage surrounding them, they inevitably have no fear because they believe in them. It's a beautiful message, but I don't see how the birds/butterflies in the dark do that message justice. Similarly, I don't know if dancing does this image justice either. Dance could be anything, but the word was thrown in there so haphazardly that it doesn't really fit. The image was so peaceful until I pictured the speaker tap dancing!
I really like some of these couplets you have. Like:
These feel like gems that just CAME to you and you made a poem out of it. I just really like how well they work!
Alternatively, there are forced couplets that lose their flow pretty quickly:
The first line in this is SO awesome, but the next three (basically the last three of the piece) are rather weak. The little rhythm this entire poem has is lost at the end, so the ending could probably be written a bit stronger! Maybe mess with the sentence structure or simply rewrite it a bit to keep the smooth momentum going.
I think you have a really good start here! I do like what I see, and with a little tweaking, this could really shine.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!