[pre]The Year of Fire
The queen wolk with a fright. what had she seen? was it fire
? or was it the curse of the newcomer? she didn't have time to find out. she ran down the hall to her husbands work study . "Ronald?" she whispered. "Are you in here?" she had seen something that she knew she could only tell her husband about. had it been the newcomer? like in the prophecy? "When the world of royal despises of a kind, the dream and newcomer will come" that is what it had stated. maybe it was the newcomer. "yes, honey?" Ronald replied. "Ronald, i think i had the dream" there was no reply.
to be continued[/pre]
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,862 Reviews
*pokes*
Well? Aren't you going to continue it?
Gee whiz, that's a creative spelling of woke, it really got my attention.
Okay, it's been established this needs to be longer, and you have a lot of editing before you, and while you're at it watch the stagey quality of your work. The best advice I was ever given as a writer was "Don't tell me. Show me." Allow your readers to join the dots, it seems less patronising that way. The questions in this extract seem to be a little pantomimed.
Oh look! What's that? In whichever direction could you mean? Could you mean over there? Might it be a kitten? However could it be a kitten? Will she ask her friend if it could be a kitten? Whyever would she ask that? However will her friend respond? How many rhetorical questions can I ask before I sound like a cartoon voice-over before an adbreak?
If you tell us what you smell, hear, taste, feel and see, we will know what you know. But you have interesting ideas, and I'll be fascinated to see how you tease this out into something big.
Ahoy there! Welcome aboard YWS, I see that you are a fairly new member. My name is Razorblade.
Shadowsun is correct in saying that this needs to be longer before it can be properly critiqued. Also, please read over your work before posting it. Both are common courtesies and greatly appreciated!
I suggest you give these few helpful threads a good read:
topic713.html
topic14391.html
Also, please give at least two critiques of the work of others before posting anything more. I personally feel you should give six- to keep the ratio 2:1- but the base is two.
Anyway, hope to see you around!
-St. Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate
This really should be longer before anyone can critique it properly. Please try to post more in the future.
Okay. Here's my critique of this very short piece.
These are little grammatical errors, like capital lettors that you should have used and some paragraphing and spacing issues that you should keep on top off.
There is a line that confused me a little bit:
First of all this shouldn't be in speech marks, instead it should be in italics or quote marks ''. Second the part where it says 'and newcomer shall come' would sound better if it was 'and the newcomer shall arrive.' Maybe the first part of that line should be reworder a little bit as it sounds a little strange, try something like 'When the Royal World despises one another.' There, you can use that if you want.
Please take the time to read over your work before you post. I spotted several mistakes, like where you have'nt used capital letters and remember to paragrarph, these two little things make your work a lot better.
I apolagise if I seem a bit harsh.
~ Shadowsun