Published February 4, 2009
[Verse:1]
You were my bestfriend ,
my everything, most of all my lover,
now its like I'm in rehab and its
hard for me to recover
we could relate in so many ways
now I have to rehabilitate for so many days
since you broke my heart I'm so depress stuck in rehab showing signs of no progress and now
[Chorus:]
I'm stuck in rehabilitation
(trying to find a cure)
looking for a explantation
(thought our love was pure)
you had me really thinking
(about all the regrets)
driving me to drinking
(got me smoking on cigaretts)
but boy its too late don't come
apologzying beggin' please your
the cause and cure of my disease
the reason why I'm taking medication
because of you I'm stuck in rehabilitation
[Verse:2]
Now ,
that our relationship is over my high
is gone but for some reason I don't wanna
be sober feel like I'm about to relapse cause
your love was a drug and I always wanted
to be intoxicated we had soemthing so special but you messed it up and made things so complicated
What did you think !
I plan to revise this poem, please leave constructive
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...you can post a new thread instead, instead of editing your one post continuously.
Well, since I'm totally unorginal, I'll say this:
Commas rocks your socks.
Add some. Or the evil cat will get you.
Onto spelling:
You forgot the space.
Should be an explantation
I just spelled it right above. OOPS.
apologizing
Something.
peace!
-----Ice
I agree, this doesn't really belong in action fiction.
First thing I'd like to draw your attention to, punctuation. I know Sakura has said this, but you do need to add commas, otherwise it sounds like one HUGE runon sentence. (I know it's not, but you get my drift. Right?)
Next, Some of your words could be better. Like, is it really necissary to say "gonna"? It's really bad grammar. But, you're the writer.
I get kind of interested with the inclusion of drugs and cigarettes. (which you spelled wrong.) It's interesting but good.
Overall I thought it wasn't bad, but make sure to knock out all of the kinks! Very good job though!
PM me if you want me to edit anything else.
Lucy Pennykettle
Hey, Cindy! Welcome to the Young Writers Society!
Uhm, this piece doesn't really look like it belongs in Action/Adventure Fiction. I believe it would be better suited for a forum like Non Fiction.
A moderator might move this, but if you want it moved I'm sure they would if you Private Messaged them. The moderators have usernames that are in dark green.
You do have a major grammar error that a feel the need to comment on:
You must put a space after a comma or a period before the next word. You hardly every do that.
Also: When citing sources, it is best to put them in bibliography form instead of throwing random Internet site links at your teacher.
-Sakura
*Moved to Nonfiction*