Prologue
The angry mob ran all over town looking for the coven of witches, passing city hall, not noticing the pair of eyes looking through the window. As soon as the mob was out of view, the mysterious eyes disappeared into the shadows of the building. The anonymous person went up the stairs and entered the room where most of her comrades are. She muttered something under her breath and light appeared around the room, from the five candles in the room, dim enough to not be noticed from the outside.
“Are they gone, Mersa?” a young woman near the window asked. Her black hair flowed nicely behind her lean body. She had pale skin, making her look dead in the eyes of multiple people, including the people in the room with her. Her blue eyes, making her seem innocent, seemed to have an insignia in them, though you would have to be really close to her to be sure.
The mysterious woman, Mersa as the young woman called her, nodded her head, warning them to be alert just in case the mob comes back. Mersa’s tall body casted a shadow towards the coven. Like her companion, she had pale skin, but not pale enough to make her look dead. Her bright green eyes showed a similar insignia to the young woman, but was more developed since it has more symbols.
“Listen to me all of you. We’ve been together protecting this town from great evil. We have set down enough protection items around this town to make sure no evil could enter. Today, is the day we leave, back to the life we had before witchcraft. Once we leave, we could never use our magic again, we must forget it.” Mersa warned. The four other witches around her nodded in agreement. The yelling of the crowd could be heard nearby, the witches gathered the candles and items needed for them to leave. When everything was set, the front door of city hall slammed open.
“Upstairs!” a muffled voice said.
“Lanuae Magicae Locus! Lanuae Magicae Locus!” the witches chanted in unison, repeating the spell over and over again. The mob opened up the door, to be greeted with harsh wind and a bright purple light. The light disappeared and so did the witches, they were now gone.
“Curse those witches!” Micahel Court cursed. The witches’ disappearance cause the supernatural to awaken. Darkness loomed over the town, unknown to the residents of Paradise Falls. The creatures that lurked in the woods will soon invade the town, disguising as one of them. Despite the fact the witches promised to each other that they wouldn’t come back, they all did one by one.
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Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hi cherryblossoms (can I write it like that??). I'll be popping in to leave a review on your work - hope you find the advise useful!
so i'm gonna start with the nitpicks:
Two issues with this.
First:
'Anonymous person' doesn't really work. It's too long, and definitely more than a little awkward. I mean, think about it; of course the person's anonymous! He/she's hiding! Writing it like this seems just a little overdoing it.
And second:
There's a tense change over here. It should be 'were' instead of 'are.'
I feel like the above sentence could be joined together, something like:
"She muttered something under her breath and light appeared from the five candles in the room,"
I'm being a little rigorous with the first bit because it's your opener; you want it to be perfect and interesting, so that you can attract your readers. If you've the beginning right, and if your readers are hooked, then you have yourself a faithful audience.
cause= caused
General comments:
You have an interesting plot; it was mysterious, like a prologue should be. However, i see a tiny plot-hole: You say 'a coven of witches' in the beginning, but doesn't a coven only have three members? Instead, i think i count five. could have a reader like me confused (or maybe my info is outdated, and that's a highly probably occurrence).
Everything else seems to be fine - your grammar's good, punctuation okay, spelling spectacular. Keep writing, and tag me when you get to the next parts
Hi, hey, and hello, Cyr here. I'ma review this piece, and I'm going to be as nice as I can about it. That said, if I come off as rude at any point, go ahead and call me out for it.
Okay, I'm going to go paragraph by paragraph, possibly line by line if I feel like pinpointing, and pick apart this piece according to my limited experience and opinions. Feel free to ignore any and all of my advice.
"The angry mob ran all over town looking for the coven of witches, passing city hall, not noticing the pair of eyes looking through the window."
This is your opening line, meaning it should contain your hook. And it does! But maybe you could make it flow a little better. Try changing the language to be more descriptive of the situation. The way I would write it would be more like this, "The angry mob ran all over town in search of the coven of witches, passing city hall obliviously as a set of eyes watched through the window."
Moving on, you wrote, "Her black hair flowed nicely behind her lean body. She had pale skin, making her look dead in the eyes of multiple people, including the people in the room with her. Her blue eyes, making her seem innocent, seemed to have an insignia in them, though you would have to be really close to her to be sure."
Here, you describe one of your characters. The thing is, just dumping the description on the readers like this can make them lose interest and skim over it. I recommend scattering the description into the piece though not only plain description but possibly in dialogue as well. You could describe her corpse-like hand as she tucks a strand of jet black hair behind her ear. Boom, you readers now know her hair and skin color. You could describe how her innocent gaze drew peoples eyes to hers, and how there in her iris was a marking too small to see properly. Get creative with it! Descriptions are fun, you can take your time.
Anyway, that's pretty much it. Just, take your time, really pour your heart into those descriptions and don't be afraid of the word count. Goodbye and happy writing!