Hey readers. This popped into my head as i awoke this morning. Still, i am not finished. Could you please let me know what you think of it so far? Please and Thank you!
I was alive, but only just. It looked as if the floor had been splattered with shards of glass. A butchers shower, only I was only in the bathtub. She hopped into the shower and turned the hot steamy water off. Wrists bloody and sliced; the Bathtub nearly overflowing. She had no clue as to what had gone on earlier in that bathroom. She said the only thing that seemed to matter was that she got there. All of the bad in my life was nearly ending, and Lexi stopped that from leaving. Its burned into the inside of my mind like the stain on your favorite shirt you have tried hundreds of time to wash out. She yelled for her Dad and he called an ambulance.
The doctor at the hospital said I'd be okay. I didn't find that to be good news. Lexi was with me the entire time and I appreciated it. Lexi only asked "Why did you do it, Mandy?"
"Uh.." I couldn't speak the words I had in mind. My mind had suddenly went blank. I put my head down and cried. I tried to pinch my eyes closed as tight as possible to avoid any tears from falling. I couldn't. It was the most I had ever cried in my life; the worst part is I had actually tried to kill my self, and failed.
They called my mom. Ugh! My mom didn't seem to want to deal with it; the usual response from her worthless self. It seemed like the only person who didn't know that I didn't like her was, well, her! Lexi's parents agreed to take me in as long as I didn't pull a stunt like that again. Although i couldn't guarantee anything, i agreed because at least they wanted me.
I went to my former home one last time to retrieve all of my belongings. My mom was crying. Now she wanted to act like she care? She seriously couldn't handle me leaving (even though she didn't want me there). I think I needed some time away from her, though.
"Mandy please don't leave me." My mom called after me.
"Why? I don't want to be here with you. You obviously don't want me here and I am not going to stand here begging you to let me stay." I walked back to the car and we drove off.
I was starting school at Lexi's High School next week. I didn't know anyone but her. I didn't have much of a choice either. Sophomore was almost guaranteed to suck, until it started. School wasn't completely astonishing and it wasn't horrible either. I met some new people the first day. The class that I really seemed to enjoy was Math; I had Geometry 1 with Mrs.A, and that's where it all started!
One glance, and I knew that was it. I saw him, and suddenly I felt as if life I was given was worth something. A smile; that is all that was exchanged. I don't care. Someway and somehow I thought would be together. All the emotions in my body couldn't explain the look on my face. Passionate, yet immensely fierce! Portraying the image of a child, I didn't find it likely that I'd have a chance--I didn't care. Little did I know, the giant grin upon his face meant something too.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I liked it, its an interesting concept and i must admit one i haven't read too many of.
I liked the characters, although its short and there wasnt really that much time to get a good grip of who they are, but i am sure that when you, or if you, post more then that problem would be solved.
Also like has been said there is a lot that isnt said, and i think thats actually a good thing as it gets the reader interested in whats happened and more importantly why.
Keep it up and i look forward to reading any further installments of it.
Slightly confusing....
I get the suicidal part, but the 'love at first sight' part is...rough.
Sorry, but everyone else seems to have gotten all the good critiquing.
Kudos, I guess. Will there be a second part?
~Noah~
I like it, but the beginning is pretty confusing-at least to me. I think you need to slow down and describe more, because it seems like you're just jumping from one thing to another and it makes it disjointed. I think it would be even better then, if you slow down a little. So, it was good, just keep at it!
Welcome to YWS, Chilly Willy! You should have had two reviews before posting your own work, but I'm sure you'll get reviewing soon.
Wow, this is exceptionally short. Perhaps you should have posted it in writer's corner for an opinion, since this isn't quite a story? Eh, I'm sure you'll post more story soon.
As it is...
That crossed out segment is unnecessary and clogs up the fluidity of the sentence. Without it, I think it reads much better.
This all seems to be past tense, but the sentence in bold is present tense. You should change it to "She didn't care". Also, add a comma after "Someway and somehow".
Comma, "Portraying the image of a child, I don't find it likely she had a chance."
No comma between face and meant, "Little did she know, the giant grin upon his face meant something too."
Well, this is a sweet and cute beginning to a romance story. It's so short that I can't really get a grip on anything else besides it being a romance - it seems intriguing.
PM me if you have any questions.
~ Clo
I sounds good, you should keep writing. Don't forget to provide some back story