Published March 23, 2014
I was bored and I thought this would be fun. (Please excuse the grammer I'm using an ipad because my computer broke!!!) even simple things like writing this statement is difficult!
Title: survival game!
***
Rapid eye movement admist a deep slumber
As they grin under the terminals of our dreams
Passage of casualty entwined with our fates
***
It's a fantasy program created by the god up above
I am going to count to three
It is time to synchronize
I am going to count to three
If we want to cheat death!
***
I believe in all miracles
I have the courage to exist
SURVIVAL GAMES
***
Spiral of our doom
Pitiful wanderer I believe
In the Ruler that is beyond us
As I stare down a faceless path
I will keep repeating
That I believe
Religions are a transparent shield
Protecting us from fate
Some act as a compass
Others as a gun
Some as an ally
Others as an enemy
There are traders
There are cheaters
This is a survival game
Shaking while standing still
Making deals with death
Dancing to the silent music
of bloodshed
We drop
We play dead
We fight
We survive
Most of us do...
Do I still believe?
Death answers that question
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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137,562 Literary Works • 672,043 Reviews
*waves* Hi there!
Okay, I'm not entirely sure what the message of this was supposed to be, if there was on. I figure you were talking about a "survival game"? If so, I think you should give more examples as to what they're trying to survive from. Nature, human beings, an epidemic, zombies, monsters, demons, something else?
You talk about faith in God, so that makes me think that the reason for survival is just to survive in life overall, despite life's hardships. It seems to be focused on spiritual thoughts and believing in God to help you on your path. I think? But then again, that wasn't very clear, so I'm lost. Please explain? xD
But other than that, I thought this was pretty good for a short poem. It was simple, easy to follow, and what I loved best was you didn't have a forced rhyme scheme. That can always ruin a poem if it's awkward, because it disrupts the flow. But your flow was, for the most part, decent. The pacing was steady, the poem was simple yet nicely written, and it was overall a pleasure to read. ^^ Hope that helps~
Hello Windsailor here to review your poem. So at first I must admit I as kind of confused on what the poem meant, but I think I kind of get it now. I didn't understand why you said "I am going to count to three" they whole part kind of confused me. Though aside from my confusion I will say the poem did have some good imagery and just good wording in general. It was quite poetic in how it was written, though the way you presented it made it kind of confusing to understand. The poem could use a little work in that aspect, though aside from that I think you are on the right track. Overall good job, keep writing!
- WindSailor
Thank you for the lovely review! Well the "count to three" was meant to represent the fact that anyone can lose their life in a matter of seconds in a survival game! The confusing aura was meant to leave a bit of the thinking to your imagination! (Which is a cheesy way of saying I was to lazy to add an explanation) hopefully it didn't confide you too much! Well that's it for me!
-Laina/cherrycanwrite160
Confuse I mean...stupid ipad