I Will Return: Chapter 1

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*Note: This used to be the prologue, in case anyone was confused*

Chapter 1: Iné mot’ta (updated 2/13)

“Casting spells is far from simple, Malachi. You must spell out its every letter with your complete heart—reach for the words; surrender your mind and body to the incantation.”

Malachi shut his eyes, heavy with the weight of a week of intense lessons, concentrating on the great Protector’s every word through his sleepiness. Ancient grey dust crept down his throat like snakes. The room had a low, slanted wooden ceiling and a rotting floor, cleared out for the purpose of conducting Malachi’s apprenticeship classes. Lining the sides of the room were hundreds, maybe thousands, of odd wooden objects and gadgets, coated in a layer of dust. Piles of old, forgotten spellbooks lay on the ground. A chandelier loomed above them like a moon.

Hawthorn continued, “If Moses can part the Red Sea, surely you can part these minuscule waters?” Hawthorn smirked, noticing the grey bags hanging below Malachi’s eyes. He glanced his hollow eyes up at the grandfather clock in the corner. It was half past midnight. “Or are you not up for the challenge at such a late hour?”

Malachi lowered his eyebrows and shifted his feet. “I’m ready,” he muttered.

“What was that?” Hawthorn mocked with a chuckle.

Malachi cleared his throat. “I’M READY!”

Hawthorn’s long, skeletal body suddenly locked into place, his arms at his side. His eyes glazed over and shone in the light; his arms stretched behind his head like a slingshot preparing to fire. For a moment he bore his long, yellowing teeth in a gruelling grimace. The ages of sorcery cast onto him had thoroughly stretched his skin and bent his so he hardly resembled an ordinary human, but was more like some sort of wild animal. The energy in the room rose, the spellbooks and magical artefacts surrounding their space became masked with a soft blue fog emitting from the tip of Hawthorn’s long finger. Hawthorn pointed his nails towards Malachi. The sapphire mist became a surge of cold water which flooded the room with rushing waves. Billows of saltwater struck his legs and specks of foam spat on his cheeks.

Nestled on the other side of a man-made ocean was Hawthorn’s frail body, his robes flowing with raging wind, his naked feet blue with the tide below him, eyes locked in concentration.

Malachi raised his arm. “Iné ... mot’ta.” he coughed, spitting out a mouthful of saltwater. The waves shuddered and laughed, mocking his failure to tame them.

LOUDER!” boomed Hawthorn, his face lost beneath sheets of wave and water, his arms outstretched as breakers of sea and wave expelled from his enchanted hands.

Iné mot’ta!” shouted the boy wizard to a meager shudder and light rise in the surrounding waves. Hawthorn scowled.

Malachi shut his eyes, reaching, trying to pull an ounce of peace from the depths of his soul. The water tickled his shoulders and stirred a slight shiver before he relaxed his body and sunk into another mindset, dismissing his surroundings from his scope of the world. His vision flooded with black but for a tiny sparkle of light. Malachi imagined himself reaching for the speck of illumination and grabbing it with his fingers, throwing it into the next world.

Malachi opened his eyes. “INÉ MOT’TA!” His heart released the incantation like an arrow. It soared through the rising waters, cutting through the sea and breaking apart the rumbling waves. The waters evened and flattened, then reached for either side of the room, clinging to the windows on one end and the bookshelves on the other, building a gold-lined trail from Malachi to his master, like a path of the gods.

Hawthorn chuckled heartily. “You’ve done it, Malachi!” he exclaimed. “You’ve performed the iné mot’ta!” The old wizard’s eyes shone with delight and pride in his student, then traced back into concentration as he snapped this finger and drew water out of the room, as if it’d never been there. “A regular Moses, I’d say," he declared, no longer the intimidating sorcerer he'd been moments before.

Malachi beamed at his teacher and offered a courteous bow, then wiped the sweat from his tired brow.

Hawthorn offered Malachi a seat and placed his arm on the boy’s shoulder. “Magic’s a curious thing, Malachi. It has saved lives and restored cities, but it has begun wars and stirred conflict. It has united and divided, broken and built. And for that reason, it’s not that good of a thing much at all.”

“I’m not sure I understand, sir.”

“It is our hearts that make us who we are, not our abilities. And that is the most important lesson a magician—or a future Protector—can learn.”

“Thank you, sir.”

Hawthorn stood and smiled at Malachi.“Off you go, now. It’s late. Another night like this and you’re sure to catch a cold. I’ll say tomorrow we hold off on lessons. It’s the Moon Dance after all! You wouldn’t want to miss the festivities!”

“Thank you, sir. Will I see you tomorrow night?”

“I’m sure you’ll see me around.”

Hawthorn adjusted his tie and glanced at the ceiling. He sighed, suddenly solemn. “Off you go, Malachi. You’re due for some rest.” He began to hum the Moon Dance hymn to himself as Malachi descended the staircase. Malachi opened the chipped wooden door, exposing himself to the summery air that clothed the dark forest that was his home. There was an eerie, special feeling to this part of the wood which filled him with fluttering excitement and energy despite his insomnia the last few nights. The water surrounding the rest of the island of Vagor was still, but at Hawthorn’s tower, waves crashed splendidly against the shore. Their whisper was faint, but Malachi could still hear the tide licking the sea shore as he stepped off of Hawthorn’s porch into the deserted forest.

“Good night, Hawthorn.” The old wizard was behind him, seeing him off for the night.

“Good night, my good apprentice.”

Comments & reviews · 4
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Megrim
Review
Megrim wrote a review · Wed Feb 07, 2018 2:26 pm

I have arrived to critique as requested! And a fun, interesting start to the story this is indeed. It's more engaging than most prologues--I think because it's a real scene, with dialogue and actions, and most importantly, a POV. I'm wondering where chapter 1 will start. Prologues are generally separated from the main story by time and/or distance, though this feels like it could run right from here into the next scene. My guess is that we'll jump forward in time, and Malachi will stay the MC. That ending makes me think Hawthorn is gonna die. Or at least disappear. I think it would be more interesting if he died. That's quite a good mystery right there.

There were two things that puzzled me imagery-wise. First off, I wasn't sure how to picture Hawthorn. I was kinda assuming non-human; I wasn't sure how literal to take descriptors like about his skeletal body or his long teeth. Sounded like his appearance may have been distorted/worn away from many many long years of magic. If not, and he just looks spooky while casting the spell, and human the rest of the time, you should definitely add in a line somewhere about his human appearance so we know that for sure.

The other thing I couldn't stop wondering was, where does the water go?? I assumed all the stuff around them was getting drenched, but when it was never mentioned, I started really puzzling over how to picture the scene. I figured the water would hit Malachi then bounce off and splash around the room. It's not explicitly stated anywhere whether that happens, or it just disappears into the ether, or what.

I think the atmosphere and descriptions are very nice. I'm wondering why everything is old and disused--that says something about their choice of setting for this lesson. Do they pick abandoned places in case their spells wreck everything?

I also just realized I had the timing wrong, which caused some confusion. The line about having three midnight lessons prior made me think he'd stayed up into the wee hours the night before, and then this was early the next morning right back at it. So you can imagine how them going to bed and calling it late threw me off at the end.

Oh, something else I noticed is that the narration seems to change its mind about how deep it wants to be. Sometimes we're right in Malachi's head, but other times it pulls way back and gives a more distant, narratory view of the scene.

I hope the spell he uses here becomes plot-important later on. That's all I can think of! See you in the next chapter sometime soon. Happy writing!

Thanks so much for reviewing! I really liked your suggestions and will be editing to include some of them soon. I hope you like Chapter 1 if you get around to reading it.

Oh, I hope that last sentence didn't sound like I was being sarcastic, just meaning that I'd love you to review it but no pressure of course! :)

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PrincessInk
Review

Hi charleslee! Here for the promised review (and by the way, welcome to YWS--if it's not too late to say that :P) Before the review, I want to remind you that my comments are just opinions and suggestions and you're free to use them or disregard them, whichever works better for your story.

First off, I'd just like to link to this article about prologues--I still can't have a strong opinion on whether this prologue was meaningful or not, because I haven't read chapter one yet. Still, I think it'd be useful to check it out.

Overall, I thought it was a well-written piece of writing. It read pretty smoothly, at least for me, and I didn't get confused any time or stumble over something. And right now I'm pretty curious about this. As this is a prologue, I'm kind of assuming that something about or in this scene will end up important later in your novel. I wonder, is it the Iné mot’ta spell? My assumptions could be just me, because I tend to believe that what happens in prologues plays a key role later in the book. But it's just an opinion, after all.

One nitpick I have is that I felt as though there were quite a bit of adverbs here. It's not like it's OH NO bad, but just something to watch out for and examine carefully. Like here (adverbs in bold):

Hawthorn chuckled heartily. “You’ve done it, Malachi!” he exclaimed. “You’ve performed the iné mot’ta!” The old wizard’s eyes shone with delight and pride in his student, then traced back into concentration as he effortlessly absorbed the surrounding water into his finger. “A regular Moses, I’d say," he declared proudly, no longer the intimidating sorcerer he'd been moments before.


I feel as though the verbs are precise, so the adverbs serve as distractions. I remember writers tend to say -ly adverbs weaken prose or something like that. I mostly agree, especially if you don't need the adverb, or if you can write a more accurate verb instead of a weak verb+adverb pair. But, to me, those are useful, if you want to say something like "he shuffled loudly out of the room" (because I believe "shuffled" usually implies walking quietly) or if there's a special reason to. \opinion

In the first case, "chuckled heartily", I can infer from the context that Hawthorn is heartily laughing, because he's both surprised and proud at his apprentice. Then I think "chuckled" would be enough. In the second case, I got a little confused, if Malachi saw he was concentrating, how could he also see him as doing something effortlessly? To me, doing something effortlessly seems that the doer did it without barely any need of effort. Finally, in the third case, "declared proudly", I can guess how proud he was from what he said, so the "proudly" is rather obvious and redundant.

Another nitpick: Like Biscuits, I'd love to see a touch more physical description or worldbuilding here, not too much, but a little more. In the end, when Malachi begins to leave, I'd like to know what was the entrance like. Because they were in the room and Malachi suddenly ended up at the stairs. When I read that part, I wished to see a little more of how Malachi headed there.

But other than that, I'd say it was well-written and smooth. I don't have anything else to add about this prologue, so let me end by saying that I'm looking forward to read chapter 1. See you there!

-Ink

Hey, thanks for the review! I've actually thought about the prologue thing before and might change this to a Chapter 1, but I'm still debating so that helps! Anyway, I'm glad you liked it and am definitely going to add in some of those things you mentioned like the physical description. Let me know if I can review anything of yours as well and I hope you like Chapter 1! -C

I'm glad my review helped! :)

Thanks a lot for offering to review my writing--I'll keep that in mind if I post a new work.

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ExOmelas
Review

Hi there, I've just discovered that I'm still live for Team Tortoise so I figured I'd get a daily review in and see how long this can last. (I'm not gonna put things I quote in italics, just for speed, but it's all in italics, so that shouldn't make a difference.)

like it’d never been there before

Your language had been quite formal up to this point so this just seemed a little out of place. Huh, someone literally just said that to me in a review. Well, I guess I get what they mean now.

it’s not really that good of a thing much at all

This also seemed less elegant than the tone of the thing had been so far.

Overall:

This was a really well flowing story, is the first thing I want to say. I had barely any nit-picks, in fact the two I picked out were the only ones. For that alone I'm happy to be tagged to read the next chapter of this; it just makes it so much easier to review things when you can get engrossed in a story without stumbling over clunkiness. Keep that in mind, it's more important than it sounds.

Your plot and characters are displayed in typical prologue-snippet fashion, which is also good. A teensy bit more world-building would be good in this particular situation though. There's the mention of Moses, and your character is called Malachi, but there's also the whole magic thing. So this story sounds both biblical and fantastical. Both could be true, and that would be a cool combo, but it's not immediately obvious, so just a little hint that the biblical names either are or aren't a coincidence would be really useful.

Also a little bit of physical setting. Again, I know it's a prologue, but it's still a scene that's taking place, so it would be good to know what to picture.

Lastly, when you're posting a prologue on its own, it doesn't really need the italics. Maybe if there was present-time stuff too, but since there's nothing to distinguish it from, it's just a bit distracting.

Really interesting premise though, definitely tag me when the next chapter's up.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)

@BiscuitsLeGuin Thank you so much for your help! Will definitely use some/all of your suggestions and I'm glad you liked it. -C

User avatar
Junel
Review
Junel wrote a review · Thu Jan 04, 2018 11:55 pm

Hey there! Great start to your story!

First the boring nitpicks:

I'm pretty sure this is all in italics, and I'm left wondering why. Although, Italics are pretty they can be harder to read in long sections like this. They also are supposed to symbolize something outside the normal writing, like thought or for emphasis etc. but I don't see that reasoning here. If you have a specific reasoning I have missed please let me know, but if not its a pretty quick fix.

the boy wizard shouted

The bolded should be switched order wise. It's weird, but English has a set way that descriptions should be ordered, that is hard to even realize, but here you haven't followed it, and it makes reading this slightly hard. Ex. The gigantic old green dragon v.s. The green gigantic old dragon. The second just feels weird, but this rule is, of course, unwritten and doesn't have to be followed.

My last suggestion is that although this is interesting in the fact that it contains magic, your chapter here isn't especially compelling. There really isn't anything too interesting to pull a reader in and prevent them from going off and reading a different book about magic. Trying to just add a bit more to make your story something that reader just had to read will strengthen it.

This is a great start though, with strong descriptions and overall still interesting. I'm interested in what might happen next and where this story will lead because I really don't know yet. Also, I'm asking myself why is this a prologue, as I always do, but I'm sure that reasoning will reveal itself quickly, or at least I hope it does.

I hope this review is helpful to you in your writing endeavors. If you want my reviews in the future feel free to let me know when you update.

Sláinte -Junel

P.S. I love your title.

@Junel Oh, and the italics are meant to make this section seem vague and slightly hazy, I guess. I always imagined that this section was not as fresh in the narrator's mind, that it was written as more of a memory than the rest of the story. I suppose what we intend is not always what readers end up getting out of it, which is an amazing thing really! Definitely will think about changing that up.



"Growing up isn't the problem... forgetting is."
— Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince