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Young Writers Society


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I Will Return: Chapter 3.1

by charleslee


*Note: This used to be Chapter 2.1, in case anyone was confused.

Chapter 3: The Stars Shuddered (revised 2/13)

The Moon Dance was only a prick of illumination compared to the desolate blackness of the surrounding wood. Malachi hurdled over the fallen oaks and stray brambles, his heart beating anxiously. The music from the clearing became thinner the further he strayed from the celebration. The people’s houses were dark, only the glow of the moon and the yellow eyes of the night owls leading his way.

Follow the sound of the waves, Malachi told himself through the unfamiliar darkness. Whenever he'd been lost on his long walks to the tower, he'd always followed the sound, knowing it would lead him the right direction. As Malachi followed, the sound grew more resonant, until he saw the tip of Hawthorn’s tower peeking out from the trees.

Malachi’s heart settled. The lights were on. Hawthorn must have been feeling under-the-weather and couldn't attend the festival. His pace slowed, his breath eased. Malachi rapped on the wooden door. The hollow sound echoed through the clearing—not a stir.

“Master Hawthorn!” he called, knocking once again. Silence. His heart began to race.

Malachi twisted the doorknob and pounded his fist against the wood. “HAWTHORN!” he yelled desperately through quick, cool breaths. The heavy door was bolted shut. Malachi leapt from the stairway and sprinted to the back window, pressing his hands to its ancient glass. The window, too, was bolted shut. With a groan, he heaved himself up to the ledge and kicked his foot through the glass, shattering it to pieces. Malachi pulled his body through the opening, scraping his stomach against a shard of glass. He felt the unpleasant warmth of his own blood trickle down his leg as he tumbled inside with a thud.

The house was quiet, but the surrounding air seemed to be moving. Pieces of golden lights waltzed slowly around Malachi’s head like a rotating wheel; little silver fairies spread their wings and swam through the air. The speckles of light seemed to culminate at the bottom of the staircase, then paraded their way, one by one, up the steps. Malachi paused, mesmerized, forgetting his distress, like a very happy dream.

And he followed. The specks of light tempted him up the stairs, no longer creaking like they always had. The tower no longer smelled of cabbage and dust, but held the sweet aroma of rich perfume and daffodils. Calm and rather comfortable, Malachi ascended the staircase, dazed.

Hawthorn’s house had four stories. He slept on the first. His bed was perched on a large shelf in the corner beside a grand window overlooking the lake. At night he liked to watch the stars and speculate on the movement of the constellations. Beside his bed was a nightstand with a candle and a little rusting bookshelf. Colored scarves were strung from beam to beam on the ceiling. Little trinkets and statues decorated the rest of his lair. Malachi followed the lights to the second story, the cleared-out room where Hawthorn taught him to perform magic. He peered in, looking for the old sorcerer. This room, too, was filled with the glittering fairy-lights. It smelled of champagne. There was no sign of Hawthorn.

The lights moved upwards to Hawthorn’s study. His great mahogany desk sat majestically in the center of the room, its chair empty. Malachi remembered feeling dwarfed by the seat the first day he'd sat before Hawthorn, his newly-appointed apprentice, bravely bombarding the old Protector with questions and thoughts as his master chuckled joyously before him.

The lights were moving faster now, in groups of three or four, up the staircase and onto the fourth floor. He’d never laid eyes on at whatever was behind the door the stairs led to. For the first time since Malachi had begun visiting Hawthorn’s tower, the fourth-story door was wide open, though his vision was blocked by the clusters of lights swarming inside. Was Hawthorn casting some sort of secret enchantment? Malachi thought to himself, suddenly feeling very embarrassed that he’d broken in. He stepped closer, his curiosity getting the best of him. Of course Hawthorn will understand I’ve been worried. The closer he came to the forbidden entryway, the more his vision was obstructed by the raging lights. The sheer brightness of them was blinding, like he’d stepped into another world. They spun round like a carousel; the room suddenly became very windy and cool, the crisp air pressing against Malachi’s warm cheeks. The floor beneath him seemed to open up and swallow him whole like a great fish, devouring his body but leaving his spirit to dwell with the enchanting lights. Someone began to sing. Their voice grew louder, louder until they were screaming in his ear, commanding him, controlling him.

For the first time since he’d stepped into the tower, Malachi pulled up the energy from within himself to speak.

Hawthorn,” he whispered. At last, he opened his eyes.

It was like he’d broken a curse. The lights had vanished, replaced with a single lamp, flickering hazily in the shadows. Hawthorn lay on the ground, his arms and legs outstretched and limp. His eyes were glazed over and greyer than they’d ever been before. A river of purple liquid flowed from the corner of his mouth onto the floor. Malachi crouched and touched his hand, noticing a little glass bottle clenched between his fingers. It read: CONTENTS FATAL IF SWALLOWED.

Malachi’s breath ran short. The great wizard Hawthorn had drunk himself dead.


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Mon Feb 12, 2018 2:29 pm
Megrim wrote a review...



Onto chapter two, and the plot ball is really rolling now!

I'll go back through and type the thoughts I had in order while reading.

I was initially confused setting-wise, because I don't remember an island being mentioned before. He talks about an island in a lake with no motion except the waves near the tower, so I pictured him approaching a nearby lake and needing to cross to reach the tower. I guess they are actually ALL on an island, though?

There are more areas of overwriting in the description. In this chapter, I noticed in particular that descriptions tend to get described twice. Resist the temptation, pick your favourite words of the options, and trim the excess. For example:

where the waves crashed splendidly against the beach. There was an airy whisper in the distance of waves pounding on the shore.

This says the same thing twice in a row. The second sentence doesn't add any new information.
Calm and rather comfortable, Malachi ascended the staircase, dazed.

Is he calm and comfortable, or dazed? You're trying to name 2-3 different emotions in one sentence here.
became very windy and cool, the crisp air pressing against Malachi’s warm cheeks.

Crisp air is redundant with windy and cool.

I wasn't entirely sure if the dancing lights was a totally new thing. We could go deeper into Malachi's head and get some reactions. What does he think of them? I didn't get a sense of surprise or puzzlement from him, so I was almost wondering if it's something he's seen before.

Referring to Hawthorne's four-story house threw me off, because I thought it was a tower. A tall wizardy tower, at that. Also, as each floor is described, on the first floor his bedroom is described but it's not particularly noted that he *isn't* in the bed.

The flashback, I think, is disruptive and totally unnecessary. You could cut it completely and not lose anything. The same memories can be brought into the "here and now" in Malachi's internal narrative, or referenced while he's talking/interacting with someone/something else.

It's not clear to me whether the glass bottle is obviously alcohol, or potentially a mystical poison / potion-gone-wrong. When you say "drunk himself dead" I assume alcohol-drunk, though the description leans me more towards potion-gone-wrong. This could be quickly clarified by mentioning whether the glass bottle is an alcohol bottle or a potion bottle.

All right, let's see what the second half of this chapter holds!




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Thu Feb 08, 2018 12:32 am
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PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hey charles! Finally here for the last chapter segment you requested a review on!

I haven't read previous reviews so it's possible I might repeat something already mentioned. Also, as usual, take my critique with a big spoonful of salt.

Wow, so the reveal in the end was really a Big Reveal. I was surprised with it, not that somebody bad had happened to Hawthorn (I was already guessing that in the 1st chapter) but how he died. He died from drinking...from alcohol overdose or poison? I'm thinking more of poison (or a poisoned drink) because I know that you have to drink a great deal of alcohol before you die. Although I felt a *little* suspense about what has happened to Malachi's teacher, I also felt as though the amount of tension was between the "I'm sure somebody bad is happening" and "Hmm, maybe it's nothing anymore". I don't know which way you want, but maybe it would be good to give Malachi a stronger sense of false security before that shocking scene.

Right now, I'm biased toward Malachi thinking that it's not too worrisome anymore. I also think that calming Malachi down slightly, but while giving the reader and Malachi a very subtle sense of something's wrong (that's evident in rereads) would be excellent. I know achieving that is really, really tricky and will take many rewrites, but I believe it would be very good to try that.

Another thing: the paragraph from "Malachi winced" had quite a bit of similes very close together. While I love heavily descriptive language like similes and metaphors, I felt as though there were slightly too much similes here, like too much pepper. But, for right now, I'm assuming it's still an early draft so it's perfectly fine! It's nice to be trying these figures of speech. After all, in the end, though I assume it may not be easy to remove some of the lovely phrases you worked hard on, you can trim away the least effective and keep only the best and most appropriate ones. And who knows, you can use them in another work :)

Anyway, I enjoyed this! I know I'm done with your reviewing requests and all, but I'd like to be tagged for more installments of this because I Will Return does intrigue me :P

-Ink




charleslee says...


Thanks for the review! I'm glad you mentioned the alcohol/poison thing because originally it had been "Hawthorn had poisoned himself" but I didn't quite like the bluntness and boring-ness of this so I changed it up. I may mention that the bottle has poison in it the paragraph before to clarify.
Will definitely be working to fix most/all of the things you mentioned. Thanks again and I'm glad you've enjoyed it! If you're interested, I put up 2.2 the other day and will have 2.3 up once I review a few works and get some points for it! -C



PrincessInk says...


I'm looking forward to check out the future installments! I'm glad my review helped :)



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Sun Jan 28, 2018 9:33 am
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Mea wrote a review...



Hey there! I thought I'd drop by for a quick review on this Review Day.

So, this is supposed to be an intense, suspenseful scene as Malachi creeps through the house only to find that his mentor has committed suicide. Unfortunately, the scene was not nearly as suspenseful as it has the potential to be. Let's explore why.

First off, be careful of your paragraph lengths. In general, they're not too bad, but for suspenseful scenes you usually want to have shorter paragraphs to make the scene feel like it's moving more quickly. The paragraph breaks give a sense of action and short paragraphs do a lot to heighten suspense.

Let's talk about sensory details. You have them, which is great, but they could be better used. When you're writing a scene like this, you should always have in mind the tone of the scene (which is often, but not always, the emotion the main character feels throughout the scene). In this case, you want the tone to be ominous, foreshadowing the bombshell that's about to drop. The best writers always use setting and sensory description to great effect to set their tone - it's one of the key tools in the toolbox. The key is in the details, in choosing carefully what to focus on and how to describe it in a way that fits the tone. For example:

Little trinkets and statues decorated the rest of his lair

This is bland description; it contains no particular tone. Let's make it a little more ominous: "Small wooden statues covered every surface of Hawthorn's lair. Their shadows loomed over Malachi, stretching up the wall like a monster baring its teeth."
This isn't amazing either, but it has more of a specific atmosphere to it than the original sentence.

Note that although Malachi doesn't really sense that anything's wrong until halfway through the chapter, that doesn't mean the reader can't have a sense that something's coming - in fact, that would make it more suspenseful.

Anyway, this isn't at all bad as a chapter - the lead-up to the revelation that Hawthorn poisoned himself was really good, and the glow-y lights and the magic are mysterious and interesting, enough to hook a reader. I just think you could push this even more. :D Good luck, and keep writing!




charleslee says...


Hi, thanks a lot for the review! I'm a bit torn because I think making everything seem eerier than it already is would make it far too obvious that a death has occurred. If you see this I'd like to know how you feel on that thought. Of course, paragraph lengths don't have much to do with content, so I'll definitely be making some changes there! Thanks a lot, will be updating soon if you're interested in reading on. :)



Mea says...


Hm, yeah, I can see why that could make it too obvious. What you generally want before a reveal like this is either a foreboding tone to foreshadow the disaster or the complete opposite - a happy or contented tone that is totally shattered when the reveal happens, making it more surprising. Right now, you don't really have either of those tones, though you're closer to being foreboding than happy. So pick one to work with and see how it turns out. :D



charleslee says...


That makes sense. I'll get to work on that. And let me know if you have anything you'd like reviewed also, I really appreciated all your feedback! Just posted 2.2 if you're interested, but no pressure!



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Sat Jan 20, 2018 7:48 pm
camusic says...



Dun dun dun! Would love to hear the rest of this story. Would it be weird of me to ask you to review a story or something of mine so I can get points to post another story...




charleslee says...


Hey, glad you liked it! I'd be happy to review your story when I get the chance, but it wouldn't get you any points--you have to be the one to review other people's works to get points, not the other way around.



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Tue Jan 09, 2018 5:40 am
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Slobst wrote a review...



Hey there! Slobst here with my two cents:

I really enjoyed this chapter and I was able to lose myself in your world and the way you write is so good!

My only major issue with this scene would probably be the flashback and not because the flashback is badly written or anything but because it feels weirdly placed and it doesn't really change anything about the scene. I'm assuming that vanishing if you go off the island might play an important part later or maybe you're just trying to deepen the Hawthorn character but now seems like the incorrect time to tell that to the audience. We want to know what happened to Hawthorn and the flashback gets in the way of that.

Another thing I wanted to point out was at this paragraph:

Malachi’s heart settled. The lights were on. Hawthorn was home and well, he’d just felt under-the-weather, of course. Malachi chuckled at himself. How silly of him to think that Hawthorn would leave him!

Either you were trying to calm the reader into a false sense of security or you're trying to show us Malachi's denial
If the former is true, the way this is written made me immediately not believe that everything was alright
And if the latter is true I feel that we don't see enough of his denial. A couple lines later and he's back into anxiety machine mode. Maybe slow down the build up. Maybe he's just sleeping? or he slipped in the shower? or is in a trance? Or maybe he's angry at Malachi for some reason? We see a bit of his denial creep up again later when he wonders if it's just an enchantment but I'd like to see a slower build up of anxiety

Other than that this scene is so beautifully written and I can't fault you anywhere in your writing style. I especially love the last 4 or so paragraphs. Really well done and a really good reveal. Well done! Super excited for the next part




charleslee says...


Hey, thanks so much! I'll be working to improve the areas you commented on. -C




"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere."
— Martin Luther King Jr.