E - Everyone

I Can See The Unicorn

by cg26
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I can see the unicorn,

The majestic horse with a horn,

The so called mythical creature,

But alas, they cannot.

Some day they will see,

And they will regret,

They will repent,

For what they have done to me.

They call me mad,

I call them blind,

For I am blessed with sight,

I can see the unicorn,

And for it I was locked away

Comments & reviews · 3
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Snazzy
Review
Snazzy wrote a review · Mon Dec 07, 2015 4:25 pm

Hello!
This is a very unique poem! :D Is it weird that I find it quite humorous, written by a young half-crazed child who has "seen" a unicorn and was therefore literally locked up so they could "keep on eye on him/her"? :D
Although it can also be serious - a smile to life itself! Great job with having two sides to the poem! :D Now, for the review!

I would write this in stanzas to make it more "read-able". ;) Example:

I can see the unicorn,

The majestic horse with a horn,

The so called mythical creature,

But alas, they cannot.



Some day they will see,

And they will regret,

They will repent,

For what they have done to me.


And so on. ;) Just a suggestion, but I think it would make a bit more sense if you wrote it that way.

Other than that, I thought this was great! The title drew me in, and the last few lines were pretty good! Fantastic job, and keep writing!

~Snazzy
Merry Christmas
(a bit early)

Thanks for the feedback; I did try to add stanzas when I was editing the poem but for some reason it wasn't showing up on the actual page.
Merry Christmas to you too :)

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authorleesa Comment

Very interesting, I am not going to nitpick :). Can't wait to see your other works in the future.

Hey! Cello here!

Welcome to the site!

This was an interesting little poem and I hope to see more from you in the future. You had a creative little concept but the language could easily be spiced up more. Adding description or changing a bland word to a more exciting one can do a lot for a piece of literature.

I can see the unicorn,

The horse with a horn,

The so called mythical creature.

They, alas, cannot.


Unicorns are usually portrayed as elegant, right? Say it! 'The elegant horse with a horn'.

The last line isn't right after the first line, so it makes things a bit unclear as to who 'they' is referring to. I think it's just the wording that makes it a bit of confusing line. Maybe try 'But alas, they cannot.' If you choose to take this suggestion, but a comma after 'creature' too.

Some day they will see,

And they will regret,

And they will repent,

For what they have done to me.


Let me start by saying the 'and' in the second line isn't needed.
'and they will regret,
they will repent'
works just fine and if anything, flows better.
You seem to have a bit of a rhyme scheme here. ABCA. Looking back, the last section of poem went AABC. It's not a bit deal, changing schemes, as your rhymes are subtle, but in future works where the rhymes feel more intentional, you should keep consistent with the pattern.


They call me mad,

I call them blind,

For I am blessed with sight,

I can see the unicorn,

And they locked me up because of it.

I might start the second line with 'and'... I don't know. It's just a suggestion.
Over all, a pretty good ending, but I feel the last line could be stronger. 'They lock me up because of it' sounds rather... unnatural when you speak it. Try some different wording. "And for it, I am locked away". Just play around with the words until it sounds like a sentence you might use in a normal conversation.

Keep up the good work!
-ChocolateCello

Ok, this piece was just a quick thing I threw together, but thank you for pointing out those little things! :)



Have a biscuit, Potter.
— Professor McGonagall