I'm asked constantly,
"Why don't you just leave?"
Truth is, I've tried.
Ten times,maybe more.
To leave,to run.
But every time I get far enough, I miss you so i turn around.
Right around,back to the misery.
I need a way out.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hi there! Deeproses here for a review/input. I hope you use the little tips and my opinion to help with your future works. I am not the best reviewer but I shall try to get my message across.
First off, even though this poem is short, it is a nice and pleasant read. It is short, yet screams a lot of feelings. I noticed in the description you wrote this just you express some feelings, and that is always a good idea. Poetry comes from the heart, it is a way of expressing how you feel. Whether it is happiness, sadness, or anger. I enjoyed reading this a bunch as well.
The main critiquing I would recommend is simply spacing the words after a comma.
would look better as
Not a huge issue but it looks nicer to the writer, reader, and reviewer.
In the line:
I would cut the line after the comma so it would look like:
Just, again, to look and also to flow nicer.
That is all the critiquing I would do!
Overall, I liked this poem a lot and it caught my eye. I liked how it was short yet showed how the narrator feel. I like the feeling it brought as well.
Good job! Keep up the good work and have a good day
Thank you so much for this! I will definitely use your tips. Critiquing is always good and it's always helpful. I look forward for more to come. Thank you once again, I'm glad you had a good read.
-M
Hello Remington38 here
pleased to meet you.
Okay honestly forget from a romance standpoint I was in a friendship exactly like that. I actually really liked this. It is short sweet and to the point which kind of allows the reader to have time afterwards to connect this to their own life, to their own past relationships. This was really relatable and a roller coaster of emotions like @mavisknightley was talking about, how it goes from sorrow, to regret, and eventually it comes back around to this unhappiness again. It's a vicious cycle and I love how simple the last sentence it and it still ties this up perfectly. You are an amazing writer
Also you are new I see so welcome!!!! I hope you like it here.
Thank you so much! I'm so pleased that my work can be expressed and be felt by others. Feels good to know that others can relate. Once again, this means an awful lot! Looking forward to you reading more.
-M
Hello cedesxana,
This was a powerful read, and a relateable one, too. You write with a simplicity that drew me in, and a vulnerability that is quite attractive.
"I'm asked constantly,
"Why don't you just leave?""
I read this with a pause after the word 'constantly', due to the comma. Personally, I would leave out the comma. It feels more naked and vulnerable without it, but that is a stylistic choice.
"Truth is, I've tried.
Ten times,maybe more."
There is no space between the comma after 'times' and 'maybe'. Perhaps a typo?
"To leave,to run."
Again, here, there is no space between the comma after 'leave' and 'to'.
"But every time I get far enough, I miss you so i turn around.
Right around,back to the misery.
I need a way out."
I thought that this was an impactful ending to a compellingly candid poem, but there was something about the repetition of the word 'around' that didn't sit well on the tongue for me. (It is entirely possible that I am being stupid, here. Please do disregard if that is the case.) I would probably have written these last three lines as such:
"But every time I get far enough, I miss you so i turn
Right around, and walk back to the misery.
I need a way out."
Really enjoyed reading this piece. Excellent work, cedesxana. If I can help you with anything, feel free to drop me a PM.
Write On,
-mav
Mavis Knightley
www.mavisknightley.weebly.com
Mavis, thank you so much. This was well appreciated. Your tips are really helpful and i will put them to use. The part where i didn't put a space after the comma was indeed a repeated typo. But, definitely in my next pieces it will be corrected. Once again, thank you so much for this!
I look forward to you reading and reviewing more!
-M