Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
FADE IN:
EXT. CIAO BELLA CAFÉ, LITTLE ITALY, NEW YORK NIGHT
Camera points at the café sign above the restaurant. As MICHAEL and SAM talk, the camera moves down towards the window. When camera reaches the window, MICHAEL and SAM are sitting in the booth next to the front door of the café. MICHAEL sits on the left. SAM sits on the right.
SAM
For the last time, Mike, I am not payin’ for the treats.
MICHAEL
You said that you would, Sam.
SAM
Come on, man, I had enough of this. You’re payin’ this time!
MICHAEL
No, I’m not. You do it!
SAM
I promised my mom to get the milk after I leave, so I need the money.
SCENE CHANGE: INT. CIAO BELLA CAFÉ
MICHAEL
You should’ve thought of that before we got here.
SAM
For real, Michael? Ugh, this is the exact reason why I hate dining wit’ black people. They promise to pay but trip you in the end of the day.
MICHAEL
Sam, you’re black, too!
SAM
I’m Egyptian, Michael.
MICHAEL
If your relatives were born anywhere in Africa, you’re black.
SAM
That’s why people shouldn’t put the color term on other people, man.
MICHAEL
Tell me about it.
MICHAEL drinks his coffee.
SAM
So have you found her yet? Your daughter, I mean.
MICHAEL shakes his head.
MICHAEL
No. I’ve looked all over New York and still no trace. It makes me sick every time I think about it. Maybe she got kidnapped by pirates.
SAM
Hey, don’t say that now, man. You’ll find her, man. You know what? Let’s play a round of Sudoku while we’re here. ‘Kay?
MICHAEL
Sure, whatever.
SAM snaps his fingers.
SAM
Can we get a newspaper please?
WAITER hands a newspaper to SAM.
SAM
Thanks.
MICHAEL looks down at the front-page pen ready.
MICHAEL
Sam, don’t move the paper.
SAM
Why?
MICHAEL points to the main picture.
MICHAEL
You see that?
SAM
What about it?
MICHAEL
There’s a girl right here. The one with the black hair, white skin. That has to be her. My little girl. She’s here, I knew it all this time, I knew!
SAM
Whoa, whoa, whoa! You mean to tell me that you think this slut-looking girl on the front cover of a Mafia newspaper is your daughter? This is a joke, right?
MICHAEL
I don’t think, Sam.
MICHAEL pulls out money from his pocket and places it on the table.
MICHAEL
I know.
MICHAEL exits while taking the newspaper with him.
SAM
Mike!
SAM gets up from the booth.
SAM
Michael!
SCENE CHANGE: EXT. MULBERRY STREET TO CHINA TOWN
MICHAEL walks casually down the street. SAM chases him down.
SAM
Michael! Where do you think she might be at this time of night?
MICHAEL looks down at the newspaper again.
MICHAEL
Penny Pint Phil last seen heading towards The Golden Palace.
SAM
The Chinese dance bar? We are not goin’ in there. Well, I can’t any other way.
MICHAEL
Just use your fake ID. We’ll get in without a problem.
SAM
What if there’s a list tonight?
MICHAEL
At a dance club? You kidding? No way.
SCENE CHANGE: INT. THE GOLDEN PALACE, CHINA TOWN
CC enters. PHIL comes and grabs her by the arm.
PHIL
Finally, you showed up.
CC yanks away.
CC
Touch me again, and I’ll whack you in the head with a vodka bottle.
PHIL
Pawns don’t hit, princess…unless told.
GEORGE stands from the bar.
GEORGE
Phil!
PHIL and CC walk over to the bar.
PHIL
This is the one I was talkin’ about earlier today, sir. CC, this is George Duff. Big business man around these parts.
CC
Great.
GEORGE
How a pleasure to meet a girl young as you.
GEORGE kisses CC’s hand. CC jerks away.
CC
You didn’t tell me that I was gonna deal an old bat.
GEORGE
CC, I’m young at ‘eart.
GEORGE leans over to CC’s ear.
GEORGE
Just tell me what you want, princess.
CC pushes away.
CC
A drink and time to think this through.
CC walks away.
GEORGE
Don’t worry, Phil, she’s just shy. I like shy women.
MICHAEL and SAM enter the club. GUARD checks IDs.
GUARD
You’re in.
MICHAEL
Thanks, man.
MICHAEL turns to the bar.
MICHAEL
Sam, there she is, just like I thought.
Camera turns to CC at the pool tables. CC is asking for a drink.
SAM
You were right, Mike. Now, let’s go. We shouldn’t be here.
MICHAEL
Well, you can go. I’m stayin’.
SAM
Michael, that’s not a good idea. There’s a thousand men in this place, and two got the dirty eye by the bar.
MICHAEL
Stop being a baby, Sam. If you follow me, we’ll be fine.
SAM
Mike, please…
MICHAEL
I got this, Sam!
MICHAEL walks away towards the pool tables.
SAM
Michael, get back here! Aw man, he’s deader than road kill.
MICHAEL sits in the chair next to CC opening a drink menu. HOSTESS comes to serve.
HOSTESS
Can I get you a drink, sir?
MICHAEL closes the menu.
MICHAEL
I’ll give the Pineapple Sunset a whirl.
HOSTESS
Need a cigarette with that?
MICHAEL
No, I’m clean.
HOSTESS
I’ll be back with your drink, sir.
HOSTESS leaves. CC drinks her glass.
MICHAEL
How old are you?
CC glares at him.
CC
Are you trying to deal me, sir?
MICHAEL
No, I’m trying to have a normal human being conversation.
CC
I’m seventeen.
MICHAEL
And you’re drinking?
CC
It’s a virgin. Who cares?
CC drinks her glass again.
MICHAEL
Still, you’re in a club for adults.
CC
I was pulled in here. Does it look like I want to be in here to you?
MICHAEL
After saying that, I suppose not. What’s your name, girl?
CC
CC.
MICHAEL
What’s it short for?
CC
Nothin’. People just call me that for the hell of it.
MICHAEL
I see.
CC
I was pulled in here to do a job.
MICHAEL
Does your mom know about this?
HOSTESS hands the drink to MICHAEL. MICHAEL hands two dollars to HOSTESS.
MICHAEL
Thank you so much.
MICHAEL takes a sip of his drink.
CC
I don’t have a mom.
MICHAEL
Your father then?
CC
I have none.
MICHAEL
CC, if you want out of this, I’ll do anything to…
CC
You don’t have to do anything. I already made my decision. I need the money.
MICHAEL
CC, please. If you’re in trouble, just remember my name. Michael.
CC
Sure, Michael, but I won’t need the help.
CC heads back to the bar.
MICHAEL
I can’t let her do this. Not my little girl.
MICHAEL heads towards the stage. CC returns to PHIL and GEORGE.
CC
How much are you willin’ to pay for this?
GEORGE
Ah, she turns around.
PHIL
Who was the nobody you were talkin’ to at the tables?
CC
Like you just said, he was a nobody.
Lights start to change in the club.
PHIL
The hell?
Camera points to the stage. Inside lights flash. MICHAEL’s shadow is seen. Camera points and switches from different people in the bar.
DANCER
Who’s that guy?
JANITOR shrugs.
SAM
Michael, what the hell are you doin’?
CC shakes her head in shock.
MICHAEL
(Singing)
My life
Will never be the same
‘Cause, girl, you came and changed
The way I walk
The way I talk
I cannot explain
CC glances at GEORGE. GEORGE glares. Instrumental starts. The curtains open to see MICHAEL dancing. MICHAEL struts towards CC.
MICAHEL
My life will never be the same
'Cause, girl, you came and changed
The way I walk
The way I talk
I cannot explain
The things I feel for you
But girl, you know it’s true
Stay with me,
Fulfill my dreams
And I’ll be all you’ll need
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ooh, it feels so right
I’ve searched for the perfect love all my life
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ooh, it feels like I
Have finally found her perfect love is mine
You rocked my world, you know you did
And everything I’m gonna give
And there ain’t nothing we could find
Someone like you to call mine
You rocked my world, you know you did
And everything I’m gonna give
And there ain’t nothing we could find
Someone like you to call mine
In time I knew that love would bring
This happiness to me
I tried to keep my sanity
I waited patiently
Girl, you know it seems
My life is fully complete
Our love is true
Because of you
You’re doin’ what you do
Oh, oh, oh, oh, who’d think that I
Have finally found the perfect love I searched for all my life
Oh, oh, oh, oh, who’d think I’d find
Such a perfect love that’s so right
You rocked my world, you know you did
And everything I’m gonna give
And there ain’t nothing we could find
Someone like you to call mine
You rocked my world, you know you did
And everything I’m gonna give
And there ain’t nothing we could find
Someone like you to call mine
You rocked my world, you know you did
And everything I’m gonna give
And there ain’t nothing we could find
Someone like you to call mine
You rocked my world, you know you did
And everything I’m gonna give
And there ain’t nothing we could find
Someone like you to call mine
And, girl,
I know that this is love
I felt the magic all in the air
And girl,
I’ll never get enough
That’s why I always have to have you here,
Hoo
You rocked my world, you know you did
And everything I’m gonna give
And there ain’t nothing we could find
Someone like you to call mine
You rocked my world, you know you did
And everything I’m gonna give
And there ain’t nothing we could find
Someone like you to call mine
You rocked my world, you know you did
And everything I’m gonna give
And there ain’t nothing we could find
Someone like you to call mine
You rocked my world, you know you did
And everything I’m gonna give
And there ain’t nothing we could find
Someone like you to call mine
SONG pauses after GEORGE smashes a beer bottle on the bar counter. Everyone else gasps or screams. CC grips onto MICHAEL. MICHAEL holds onto CC by the shoulder.
GEORGE
What do you think you’re doin’, dancin’ boy?
MICHAEL
CC, go.
CC
But…
MICHAEL
Go!
CC runs into another room. MICHAEL glares at GEORGE.
MICHAEL
What you’re doing to her is wrong.
GEORGE
So you want her to yourself?
MICHAEL
You will not lay a hand on her.
GEORGE
Phil, you show him the ropes. I have some unfinished business to take care of first.
GEORGE exits the scene. PHIL and a few cronies walk towards MICHAEL. MICHAEL backs up slowly.
PHIL
Didn’t your mommy tell you not to poke the bear?
MICHAEL
Did your mama tell you not to pawn girls, especially teenagers?
PHIL
We don’t have time for chitchat. It’s time to know both of your places.
MICHAEL signals SAM. SAM cracks his knuckles. A few others join at MICHAEL’s side.
PHIL
Oh, this oughta be interesting. Kiddies versus adults.
MICHAEL cracks his knuckles.
PHIL
Come on, man, let’s bring it on.
SAM
(Whispering)
When?
MICHAEL
(Whispering)
Wait for it.
PHIL
Whatcha waitin’ for, boy? Scared to make the first move?
One of the cronies lights a match for his cigarette. MICHAEL’s dance group gets into a stance. PHIL’s group jumps back. Song continues as background music. PHIL gets out a knife. MICHAEL flips PHIL over. The knife lays beside MICHAEL’s foot. SAM punches one of the cronies. Others get into a fight. A lamp is tipped over. Song ends when the lamp breaks on a liquor box. Sets on fire. SAM notices.
SAM
Mike!
MICHAEL turns to the fire.
MICHAEL
Oh no! Sam, get everyone outta here!
SAM
You heard the man! Out of the door, let’s move!
MICHAEL gasps.
MICHAEL
CC!
MICHAEL runs up the stairs.
SAM
Michael, have you lost it? Michael!
MICHAEL tries to dodge the flames.
MICHAEL
CC! CC, where are you? CC!
CC
Michael!
MICHAEL runs to a table. CC shivers under it. CC’s dress is torn.
MICHAEL
CC, thank God.
CC
Get outta here.
MICHAEL
I’m not leaving you here.
CC
No, get out!
MICHAEL
CC, I’m…
GEORGE grabs MICHAEL from behind. CC screams. MICHAEL tries to fight GEORGE off.
GEORGE
I don’t know who you are, but she’s mine!
MICHAEL
I will never let you have her!
MICHAEL kicks GEORGE in the shin. GEORGE cracks a punch at MICHAEL’s face. MICHAEL throws a punch. Fight goes on until MICHAEL slashes the knife at GEORGE. GEORGE chokes.
GEORGE
Who are you?
MICHAEL
Name’s Michael. CC’s father.
GEORGE faints. MICHAEL goes to CC.
MICHAEL
Grab onto me!
CC holds onto MICHAEL. MICHAEL carries CC down the stairs to the door.
SAM
Hurry! The place is gonna blow!
SCENE CHANGE: EXT. THE GOLDEN PALACE
MICHAEL and SAM jump out. The club crashes down. SAM gets up after smoke clears. Shakes MICHAEL.
SAM
Mike? Mike, wake up.
MICHAEL lifts himself up.
SAM
You did good.
MICHAEL
Thanks, Sam.
SAM gets up.
SAM
I’ll get a car over here.
SAM exits scene. MICHAEL lifts CC in his arms.
MICHAEL
CC.
MICHAEL pets CC’s cheek.
MICHAEL
CC, wake up.
CC opens her eyes.
CC
Michael…
MICHAEL
CC, you’re okay.
CC
Not really.
(Coughs)
My chest hurts.
MICHAEL
You’ll be okay. You’re getting help.
CC
Michael, why did you come?
MICHAEL
Honestly, I came to New York because I found out my daughter was alive. I came here to see you.
CC
Oh god…
CC closes her eyes.
MICHAEL
CC, stay with me.
SAM drives towards the two. MICHAEL carries CC into the car.
SAM
Just tell me where.
MICHAEL
Hospital.
SAM
Check it.
SAM drives away.
FADE OUT
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hello.
Can't say I've ever read a fanfiction script before. It was an interesting take on the story, but I do have a few comments.
Your formatting made it really hard to figure out who was saying what, especially when they were talking in all caps. Reading lines such as "CC" twice in a row took me a minute to realize what was actually going on, not to mention you lacked visual description on CC when you introduced her therefore I lost all idea of who was in the scene, what they looked like, ect.
That's one moment where I think fanfiction hurt more than helped, because you expected us to have watched the video and I haven't. Fanfiction doesn't excuse basic scene descriptions for setting, because people still need to know how you pictured the scene when they get the script. Descriptions of who the characters are and where they're sitting are appreciated.
Similarly, so are visual descriptions of the place. They can't really be long, but a small amount of information can go a really long way in helping ease confusion and giving readers a starting point. When you read published scripts they have certain key details that establish the mood and just give the set directors a place to start.
The story itself was decent. I found myself caring for the characters and wanting it to turn out okay despite the confusion, and you managed to differentiate dialogue enough that different people were saying slightly different things. The descriptions could really use some clearing up because that was extremely hampering, but the bones are decent.
Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey
Hey there! Team Plasma here for a review in this Pokemon-themed Review Day! Thought I'd give your piece a shot for the Elite Eight. Anyways, I'm not a script superstar, but I can tell you if character actions/dialogue sound realistic or not. Here goes.
It might be more realistic if he leaned back in irritation or sighed. Get rid of "that" to make the dialogue flow more.
This sounds like he's a teenager or in his adolescent years, but I imagined him as an adult. I'm not sure if that's what you're trying to aim for, or if he is young like the dialogue suggest he is. Just a heads up.
Add some action: annoyance, roll of eyes, irritated sighs.
Sam already said his name;no need to say it again
How about: "Dude. No. This is why people shouldn't call each other by terms of color."
Ahh, so they are adults. I'd say bump up the adult-tone by a smidge, but not so much since they seem like best buds that can talk about anything freely.
Perfect example from the quote above. This doesn't seem like something a dad/adult would say, so instead of pirates, try a gang or any other modern term that deals with assault.
"Man" is used too often here.
Michael then proceeds to point at picture, so I think this quote is a tad random. Perhaps, "Sam, move your hand," or something that deals with the visual aspect.
Looking at this at a realistic perspective, he'd probably call her by the name.
Try: "You're joking, right?"
Try: "I never joke about my daughter."
Returning dialogue to the guard isn't necessary, in my opinion.
This is good, but I think the characters say their names too much. Don't worry, it's an easy fix and a common mistake.
This sounds a bit awkward. Try: "No, I'm just trying to have a normal conversation."
CC is stubborn, so she wouldn't let this fact slide out so easily.
I think writing down all the lyrics may be too much. Try to add some action in between the verses, or cut some of it back. Readers may just skip through it.
How about: "not to pawn teenage girls?"
Haha, I found this funny, but it is borderline cliche. Just a heads up.
I'm going to pull the cliche card again, I know, groaaan. Though it is somewhat predictable, so add a dash of spontaneity in there.
Instead of pets, try caresses.
Well, that's it! Overall, I found this a cute piece, even if I had no recollection of the band or the song. Thanks for the read, and keep writing!
Hey. Wisegirl22 here for Team Plasma for the win!!!!
Here, I think you need a comma after "And", like you did in the other verse.
"And girl,"
That will be all, my friend. Hope you join Team Plasma, if you can. I absolutely loved this, and may I ask what is with the music fanfics? I don't get your obsession...
Anyway! Happy, Review.....Day!!!!!!! Byezeez!
-wisegirl22
Hello!
I have to say, this is very... different. I'm not used to reading scripts, let alone scripts for music videos! I think that it was quite well-thought-out and well-planned; the story has a clear beginning, middle, and end, and the music doesn't interrupt it so much as flow with the plot.
Honestly, I'm quite astounded by the amount of thought that went into this, even if it is a bit long for your standard music video (let's make it a very short film). I think that if there is one critique I most definitely have, it's that the character's aren't well-established or developed, which is still very much necessary when you want people to sympathize with your characters, even if one does happen to be The Michael Jackson and, you know, not need much characterization when it comes down to it, because it's his music video.
Characterization is a staple of having a well-built world, so if you want us to believe the story you're spinning, you're going to have to take a solid look at your characters and make sure they all have motives and motivation, as well as being characters in an awesome music video, because if the audience isn't convinced that they're realistic, they aren't going to seem human, even to someone who's just watching for fun.
Hi, Sunshine here from Team Plasma to review.
Let's get this out of the way; Don't know the band. Probably don't know the song. Reviewing for characters and writing in general. I know this is supposed to be in musc video format', but I feel like the length behind the story is so much more than that, and deserves to be thought of as its own plot. Kay? So let's get going!
The problem with scripts is that stuff like Background is always an issue. Now, I know this is a fanfiction, but it would still be nice to give a little leeway, especially with such a dramatic story arc. How did Micheal loose his daughter? Where's CC's Mom? How is CC is this situation? Why did Micheal think CC was dead? These are all questions that distracted from the actual storyline. Even with fanfiction, it's nice to throw in a little background. It doesn't hurt to remind people who know what's going on, and those who don't a chance.
Very slight nitpick here, but one that threw me off. CC is called 'white' by her father, a black man. This seems very inconsistent in the appearance of characters to me. I know she could be mixed, but that hardly defines her as 'white'.
You switch scenery a lot in this first part. In a real music video that could come off as slightly disconcerting. Adding a few lines, especially to fill in background or reasoning will help stretch the scene to a reasonable length.
Hm. I feel like there could be a few more stage directions here. You definitely cover the basics, but a few more body language instructions could really help define how the characters are feeling, especially CC and Micheal.
GAH! The singing. You transition into it well, but consider making a version without it. I know this is supposed to be a music video, but I think you could make a very good play with a few transitions. No matter what you do, music will offset the piece.
It isn't very clear; what happened to CC to make her so weak at the end? The suspense isn't very nice, and I feel like the conclusion could be a bit stronger and happier. Since it isn't clear why she's ill, can't she just be happy?
Good job! Impressive work for a music video, haha. Could luck in your future endeavors.
Don't know song, don't know band, loved it. Awesome. Great. Coolest music video ever
Nitpicks: I don’t think, Sam.
Shouldn't this be: I don't think so? Either that, or you meant him to be not thinking, but knowing it was his daughter. This is confusing if you meant it that way, so I suggest changing it to: I don't think, Sam, I know. (if that's what you meant)
Ah, she turns around.
I don't get that line. What did George mean?
Wow, you created a bunch of interesting characters. Despite having no knowledge whatsoever on the band or song, I definitely got a feel for the kind of people Michael and Sam are, and the other characters you created in this short music video. Great writing!
Overall rating: 8.5/10
Keep writing!
+1