It had been two years since Summer had been in her hometown, Dareville. It had been almost two and a half years since her fiancé had disappeared. Now she was back in town and she was ready to rumble. Her best friend, Cindy, who still lived in Dareville still, had seen Jake, her fiancé, walking around town a couple of weeks ago. Summer was finally over him but she wanted to confront him and show that she didn’t need him and to ask why he disappeared three weeks before the wedding without a note or word to anyone, including his family! She was driving her fancy silver Porsche over the town line when she noticed her fuel gauge said her car was almost out of gas! A station was about five minutes away and she wondered if she could make it. Just then her car sputtered and died. She groaned in disbelief.
She got out of her car and went to the front, but after a few minutes under the hood she straightened with growing despair. She returned into the car with little hope someone would come along. Just as she was debating whether to walk to the gas station or stay and wait a little longer a red Ford truck came into view, and about thirty seconds later he pulled up behind her. Her relief was almost visible until the guy got out of the truck. It was Jake! She wasn’t ready to come face to face with him, especially since she needed his help. Her Porsche had dark tented windows so when he got to her car and knocked on the window she had no choice but to compose herself and roll it down. When she finally worked up the courage to look up at him, he had already composed his shocked expression into a neutral expression. It was as if he didn’t even know her. Summer was shocked at how much he had changed. His cheekbones were more sharply, His hair was a little shaggy but still looked soft, like you were pushing it through a cloud, and it was still jet black. His eyes were as blue as the sky but were harder and not as bright as they used to be.
Finally Summer said, “Hey Jake long time no see.”
Jake muttered, “Yea summer…hey. Having car trouble?”
“Yes, I don’t know what’s wrong. I have a little gas left so that’s not it,” Summer replied.
“Pop the hood and let me look at it,” Jake answered.
“You know less about cars than I do!” Summer exclaimed.
Jake just shrugged so Summer popped the hood and Jake went to look. He took a quick survey and went back to Summer.
He said, “A couple things look messed up, I’ll call you a tow truck.”
And with that he went to his car before she could reply. Summer slowly got out of her car and watched Jake make the call. Quickly he hung up and came to stand by her.
“They’ll be here soon.”
“Okay.”
“So what have you been up to lately, Summer?”
“Don’t be polite, Jake. After all you disappeared right before the dang wedding, so you couldn’t possible care about my life. Why don’t you just go?”
“I have a reason for leaving, I just can’t tell you. All I can say I’m sorry.”
Just then the tow truck pulled up and Summer squealed and ran over to jump into the muscular arms of her cousin, Brody.
Brody asked, “What seems to be the problem here?”
“I have no clue! My car just died.”
“Okay, just let me take her in and have a look-see.”
And after Brody said that, he went back to his car and hooked her car up so he could take it in. After he did that he waved goodbye and got into his car.
As an afterthought when he was driving away he hollered back, “Hey Jake bring Summer into town, will you?”
Before Jake could say anything Summer said, “I’ll walk.”
“No, you won’t. Get in the car.”
“No.”
So Jake grabbed her around her waist and carried her to his truck while she was screaming and kicking at him. He dumped her into the seat and went to get in the driver’s side and then turned to look at her pouty face. She was beautiful. Her hair was the color of Hershey chocolate and her eyes were the color of green emeralds. Everything about her was the same. Jake knew he couldn’t get distracted by Summer, it was a risk he couldn’t take…again.
He told her, “I know you hate me but I can’t tell you why I disappeared. It’s a life and death situation.
Summer replied, “My life ended the moment you disappeared, so death doesn’t concern me. I’m just putting the pieces of my life back together.”
“Summer, I…can’t tell you, I love you too much to have you killed.”
“Oh Jake, who will know? Just tell me.”
“You know what? Your right, who will know? You deserve to know the truth, but I’ll only tell you on one condition.”
Summer grumble, “And that condition is?”
“Stay at my place while your in Dareville and give me another chance. If by next week it isn’t going to work, we’ll break it off. No hard feelings.”
“Fine, that won’t kill anyone.”
So Jake began, “When I disappeared, it was because I had been recruited to do stuff I never wanted to do with the military, but they told me if I said no they would kill you. So I simple disappeared and helped them with some top secret things, which I won’t tell you about, and when I was done with that I told them I quit. They let me go about three weeks ago with the threat that if I ever told anyone we would both be killed. I knew they would as I also know I’m usually watched in town, I’m just not sure by whom. That’s pretty much the shorthand of it. I’m sorry for all the pain and suffering you had to go through. I still love you like crazy and I hope you can forgive me one day.”
Summer’s jaw dropped and a moment later she started laughing.
Between fits of giggling she said, “Do you seriously think I’ll believe a story that unbelievable?”
Jake replied, “Have I ever lied to you?”
“Well…no but that story is really…”
“I know but I’m not lying. You have to trust me and watch your back.”
And with that said, they pulled up to the mechanic shop. They went inside to see about her car all the while staying close together. Brody came out of his office wiping his hands on a dirty rag that had seen better days.
He said, “I’ll have your car ready by tomorrow. The battery’s dead and we’re backed up some.”
Summer replied, “That’s fine. Around what time tomorrow should I come for it?”
“Ummm…around four I guess.”
“Okay, I’ll see you then. Bye.”
Jake and Summer walked out quickly. They knew they needed to talk more but they couldn’t say anything in front of anyone. They got back into the car and was off.
Jake said, “So…do you want to stop and get food or just head for my place?”
“Just head for your place, Jake. I’m not very hungry.”
So Jake turned and headed to his house, the same one he has two and a half years ago. Memories came flying back to Summer. All the sadness, laughter, happy, and sweet times she had with Jake came to her in a rapid succession. The main one was the swing in the backyard where he proposed. Tears came to her eyes, but they didn’t fall. She did turn her head away when Jake looked her way.
He said softly, “Are you thinking about the swing?”
Summer choked on a sob. Jake pulled over and gathered her close and the flood of tears overtook Summer. She sobbed her poor heart out. After a few minutes she’s able to stop the flow of tears and pull away.
“Let’s just get on to your house. I don’t want to talk about this.” Summer sniffled.
Without another word Jake started driving again. A few minutes later they pulled into the driveway. They got out of the car and headed for the front door and on the way there Jake grabbed Summer’s hand and kissed it.
She looked at him in surprise but quickly looked away and quickened her pace to the door. Of coarse Jake, being Jake, got there first and had the door unlocked and opened by the time she got to the door. And as a gentleman he let her go first. They walked into the living room together and before either one could say a word, Jake fell to the ground in an unconscious heap. Summer was so surprised that she just stared at him for a moment before she looked around the room. She saw Cindy sitting on the couch staring at a syringe.
“He shouldn’t have told you about what he’s been doing for the past two years, now I have to kill you both.”
“You’re the one who sent Jake away from me?” Summer asked.
“Yes.”
“You witch! You comforted me, you cried with me! And you knew all along where he was. What did you do to him?” Summer screamed.
“Oh, just sleeping medicine and honey he doesn’t know it was me.”
Cindy pulled out a gun and as she pointed it at Jake, Summer went crazy. She jumped over Jake and tackled Cindy. It was a wild fight, especially since it was a fight for survival. Summer got the edge in the fight and started to turn Cindy’s hand towards Cindy’s face and Cindy’s finger slipped so her silencer went off and blew her face to bits. Summer pulled back, her face covered in blood, shakened and feeling like she was going to be sick. She crawled over to Jake to feel his pulse just as he stirs. Jake sits up quickly when he saw blood all over Summer and quickly took in what happened.
“So let me guess, she told you she was going to kill herself and you weren’t about to stop her?”
“Ummm…”
“We’ll tell the police that. They don’t need to know she’s a spy.”
Jake picked up his home phone and called the cops. Within minutes the house was swarming with them. The cops questioned them and then told them to go outside. While they’re outside, Summer tells Jake the conversation Cindy had with her.
“I can’t believe everything you had told me was true. I’m sorry for not believing you. I had wanted to prove to you that I could live without you.”
“Its fine, and you did prove it by defending yourself against Cindy, but your not going to live without me. So I do have one question. Are we ever going to get married?”
Summer laughingly said, “How about this weekend?”
Jake grinned and replied, “Works for me.”
He gathered her close and she said just before their lips met, “I love happy endings.”
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Heyy!! Forever here with a review!!
I love happy endings and I really liked the story. So, let's get right into it.
Characters
We have three main characters here. First of all witj Summer, she did have a tragic past that affected her. If someone disappears at the day of the wedding, it hurts a lot and that is quite obvious when we can see that they loved each other. I liked how you created a relaistic feeling by saying that she didn't trust him at the first instance. But then when he told her that she didn't lie, she kind of believed him. That shows the love totally didn't turn into hatred and it still existed in her heart.
Now with Jake. He too had a tragic past as we can see from the story. He actually did the whole thing for Summer for he didn't want her to be murdered. He did it without thinking how much he will be pained inside to live without Summer and also there must be a feeling that Summer could misunderstand him. What he did was actually very hard and courageous.
Finally with Cindy. I am seriously a bit too confused about Cindy. Like Cindy was Summer's fake best friend. We know this and also the main resson behind all the misunderstanding between Summer and Jake. However, there must be areason behind everything she did. I don't see any reason behind it. Consider giving hints to the readers.
Plot
I liked the plot. I think it was quite good how you made the them meet when one required the help of other after all the pasts. That was quite a good thing to do. I really liked the plot twist at the end where it's revealed that Cinda is the main culprit behind all these. And also the happy ending where they marry was a good one. However, don't you think that was a bit unrealistic? Like they literally killed a person and then they didn't undergo any sort of terrible interrogation? I seriously don't expect police to be like that. That was a bit odd. Also sometimes I missed descriptions and little details. You have got to provide those to make the story more lively. Overall, it was quite a good read.
Keep Writing!!
~Forever
Hi cbunny!
First off, spacing! Spacing is very important, especially on the internet, cause having a huge chunk of text like you’ve got here doesn’t look very welcoming. Leave a line between each paragraph and line of dialogue and it looks much cleaner.
This is a good example of telling and not showing. As a general rule, showing is the better narrative technique as it’s more subtle, and involves the reader more. There’s a good article on it here, which I really recommend checking out. ^_^
Basically, you should try and sift through this paragraph and weed out the bits of info that we don’t really need to know yet. If it was me, I wouldn’t have any of this information in the first paragraph. I would begin with Summer in her car entering her hometown, and have her think about how long it’s been since she was back, adding in detail and description so that a reader can really get into the story.
Something like this:
They still hadn’t changed that cracked signpost. One hand pointed back the way she’d come, to California, and the other pointed straight ahead to Dareville. The wood was warped and split with age and weather, the white paint peeling away like dead skin. Summer shook her head and stepped on the gas. She hadn’t been back to her hometown since the wedding two years ago, but somehow she’d expected it all to be different.
That’s just a very rough example, but do you see the difference? Detail and description really enhances one’s writing; it gives the reader something to interest them and helps them to visualise the scene. We only know as much of the story as you tell us, so if you don’t tell us anything, we can’t see anything. Description really helps with showing as well, because by describing something, you’re showing it.
You switch narrators here. Before, it’s all been in Summer’s head, what she thinks and sees, but now you’ve suddenly switched to Jake, and a few lines later you switch back to Summer. Pick one narrator and stick to them; if you change narrators halfway through it’s too disorientating. If you had chapters, it would be easier, because then you could alternate between different POVS in each chapter, but as you have no chapter breaks or even line breaks, you should stick to just one POV.
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Okay! Well, I must confess that I didn’t find this entirely believable. I mean, if the government were that concerned about Jake blabbing, why didn’t they just kill him? Why let him go? It doesn’t sound terribly plausible, or efficient. Also Summer’s reaction to Cindy’s death. Summer almost gets killed, her best friend turns out to have betrayed her, then gets horrifically killed in front of her. Yet all the reaction we get is a brief moment of shakes, and then she’s thinking about getting married. Some people go through months of therapy after experiencing something like that.
Another thing that made this story rather difficult to get into was the points I made above. Showing vs telling, and the inconsistent narrator. Adding in description will really improve your writing as well, because description is one of the easiest ways to control the story. If you want to slow the pace, drag out the descriptions. If you want to highlight something or someone’s importance, describe them. If you want to show us a person’s thoughts on something or someone, you can show us in how they view that something, how they describe it.
Don’t let this discourage you! I think you have an interesting story, and I liked the twist of Cindy being “in” on it all the time. I think maybe you could make that a lot more shocking, though, if you let us get to know Cindy more before you drop that bombshell. Show us the depth of her friendship with Summer, then we’ll really get a shock when she turns out to be evil.
Keep writing, and PM me if you have any questions!
-twit