Published February 6, 2008
I wrote this for 1dering at stars' Box Contest. It's kinda weird but it was fun to write!
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The girl opposite me peeked at IT out of the corner of her eye, probably wondering it IT could still be here after all this time. Stupid. IT was always there, looming and ominous. Always. I shivered and attempted to avert my eyes but it was near impossible. IT made it that way. My eyes were drawn to IT like moths to a lamp. I resisted, of course, but it made little difference. If I didn’t see IT physically, I would be able to picture IT mentally.
The sharp unyielding edges, the coarse texture, the somehow sturdy look, the vast darkness within.
How much longer would IT keep us here? And how had it kept us here for so long? I looked at my hands and feet, but there were no chains. We were not bound by any physical means. No. It was something more than that.
The others seemed similarly restrained. There were only five of us, all of us with our eyes fixated on IT, all of us fighting some unknown force. Occasionally, we were able to look away, briefly, but we always looked back to see if IT could still be there.
IT always was. Every time. Lurking in its shadowy corner, taunting us. I wondered if, like moths drawn to a light, we would soon die. Was it a ZAP-light? Would we flit too close? Who would be first? Would one death break the trancelike state? We couldn’t go on like this much longer. IT had to release us… right?
Right?
Right?!
RIGHT?!
It had to! We couldn’t last! Who was going to be first?! Would we all survive?! Would ANYONE survive?!
A high keening sound rose and fell desperately in the background, my voice.
I was first.
I was first!
I WAS FIRST!
No! Dear lord, someone help us! NO!! Please! Please no! Not like this, no! No! Please!
“Hey!” a deep concerned voice broke through my panic, I looked up. It was a man, no older than twenty.
“You kids okay?”
Several nodded. I gulped and shook my head.
“What’s wrong?”
I lifted a shaking finger and pointed at IT
“This box?”
I nodded.
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I told you it was weird. 
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141,433 Literary Works • 674,412 Reviews
Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
Well, this was definitely a very intriguing and confusing story! I think the two emotions are interconnected here. If the story had been less confusing and more obvious, I don't think it would have aroused my curiosity like that. Because of the absolute lack of details and clarification, this piece stands out to confuse the readers, intrigue them and make them unable to stop reading until they have reached the very end.
I liked the beginning of the story very much. From the very start, there was an urgency about your narration that told us something grave was happening. I loved how you played around with the length of your sentences to create a more dramatic effect. The alternative use of long and short sentences created an interesting kind of a rhythm which held our attention and made us even more invested in the story.
I loved the way have framed the story around 'it' without giving us any idea of what 'it' is. The way you have narrated the narrator's thoughts, we can assume that there are certain supernatural, horror or even fantasy elements at work here. The children seem to be under a hypnotized compulsion which has rendered them unable to move or run away from 'it'. It makes me wonder and fear for their fate at the same time. The final mention of the box made me imagine 'Pandora's box', but I don't think that is where you were going with this.
A tiny nitpick:
Until this point, and the chorus of 'rights' before this, the story had been more somber and poignant. However, after this there seems to be an exaggeration in the narrator's expression of thoughts, especially with the frequent use of exclamation marks and capitalized words, The tone of the story suddenly became more dramatic at this point and I found that it disrupted the flow a little for me.
That's all!
Over all this was an interesting story that could probably use a sequel to help the readers makes sense of this one.
Keep writing and have a great day!
The caps on IT remind me alot of the name for the large brain in A Wrinkle In Time by Madeline L'Engle (Not sure if I spelled her name right). That is the book we are currently reading in reading class, lol.
Luv,
VenomStitches/Spirit/Gabby
I kinda agree that the capital "IT" really distracted me. I think just having the first letter in caps would have the desired effect.
I will go check out 1dering's contest now..........
Overall, this kinda confuzzled me.
first, check out the 1dering at stars contest page.
then, know that it isn't really supposed to make sense it's a vague piece of weird writing done while i was in a strange mood. my apologies, its kinda... weird. doesnt make much sense to me either, sorry.
I don't get it -- or IT, for that matter.
I'm not sure I like "IT" being all caps. You could convey the same thing with "It," unless I'm missing something, which I probably am.
The exclamation marks make everything seem melodramatic -- I'd cut those out and find a better way to increase suspense than just screaming at the reader.
First "it" should be "if."
So yeah, I don't understand the story. What is the box?
Prokaryote