Published February 3, 2008
this is my entry for Azila's POV contest. The style is choppy and kinda weird, but if you think of it kinda like poetry...
----------------------------------------
Cold. Cold and wet.
Hard to smell. Fur too wet. Lick, lick. Like drinking water, but from fur. Shake paws.
Find cover. Run, run, run. Limping. Ow. Paw hurts. Lick, lick, lick. Ow.
Climb. Small tree. Smells like squirrels. Dry. Not warm but still dry. Shake fur.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty.”
Man voice. Mean man. Hiss. Go away. Paw still hurts. Ow. Lick, lick. Ow.
“I won’t hurt you.”
Voice promises. Not stupid cat. Know mean man only ow. No promises.
“Come here.” Whistles.
Stupid man. Only dog comes to whistle. Dry in my tree. Safe. Hiss. Go away.
“Do you hate me too?”
Sad man? Ow. Hiss. Go away. Not stupid cat. Remembers.
“It’s warm inside.”
Pleading? Strange. Never done that before. Meow?
“That’s it. Come to daddy.”
Ow. No. Bad man. Hiss. Go away. Ow. Climb higher. Ow. Lick, lick. Big branch. Next to big squirrel tree. Hop hop like squirrel to big tree. Ow. Climb high in big tree. Lay down. Ow. Lick, lick. Blood on paw. Lick, lick.
“Aw, don’t be like that.”
Funny voice. Bottle in hand. Mean hand. Drink, drink. Funny voice. Bad man. Hiss. Go away.
Man leaves. Purr. Sleep now. Warm fur. Lick lick paw. Ow.
“Alright, you asked for it.”
Bad man back. Long stick in hand. Shiny. Bad smell. Death smell. Hiss. Go away. Climb higher.
Bang! Ow! Fire! Death! Screaming! Shoulder fire! Help! Falling. Twisting in air. Ow! Fire! Land on feet! Ow! Lay on ground! Help! Can’t move!
Footsteps. Help!
“Hey kitty kitty.”
Hiss. Go away. Ow! Fire! Help!
“I told you kitty!”
Hands. Pick up from ground. By back of neck, like mother. Only pain. Shaking. Ow! Fire! Help! Mrrow! Help!
“Hey you!”
New voice. Help! Mrrow! Help!
Man angry. Bad man throws. Ow! Pain! Flying through air. Good smell dumpster. Ow! Hard dumpster. Fire! Help!
Bad man running. Pain. Lay in puddle by dumpster. Blood smell on fur. Leg facing wrong way. Fire in shoulder. Death. Little meows, like lost kitten. Death. Fire.
Footsteps. No! No more! Ow. Try to run. OW! Fire! Pain! Death. Hiss. Go away.
“It’s okay kitty.”
New voice. Soft. Nice voice.
Mrrow?
“Oh my lord, he shot it.”
Whispering. Sad voice. Ow. Fire! Cold! Death.
Mrrow?
Soft hands on head. Hiss! Go away. Hands gone.
“Honey! Come here!”
Nice voice calling. Calling who? Bad man? No! Ow! Try to get away. Ow! Fire!
Footsteps. Fast. No! Run! Ow!
A gasp. Surprised voice.
“Is that a cat?”
Scared voice. Nice? Mrrow?
“Yeah.”
Nice voice. Soft hands voice.
“What’s wrong with its arm?”
“He shot it.”
Gasp. “What about the other paw?”
“Looks like a rope was tied around it at one point. See how the fur is worn off and the skin is all raw? He probably abused it at home. I think he shot it out of the tree. When he heard me, he threw it against the dumpster and ran.”
“We have to get it inside. I’ll get my vet bag.”
Vet? Vets are nice. Mrrow?
“It’s going to be okay.”
Nice people. Soft hands. Nice.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,585 Literary Works • 672,611 Reviews
I think you did really well writing from the animal point of view and pulled off the choppy style. It makes the cat so much more relatable...it's almost like being in it's mind.
The only thing I'd like to point out is how at the end. In the beginning he doesn't really have a broad understanding of people just "here kitty, kitty" but at the end it seems like he's hearing and comprehending whole chunks of dialog which pulls away from the style a little.
But that's it. I liked it, I feel so sorry for the cat and I want to know more like what is that evil man's motivation for shooting a poor little kitty!
Waaaaaaah, poor kitty
.
Sorry, can't stop crying, I'm a sucker for cats...
All corrections are above me it seems so I don't need to do anything but say...
That was great, so sad...
Must stop crying,
ST
Congratz on getting second.
This is really really good!
One of the things Azila said:
I agree! XD
I actually didn't find any typos that haven't been pointed out... *Sigh* Oh well.. This review isn't going to be as helpful as I had hoped.
So, overall:
Simple, yet amazingly effective.
See ya!
~Lupis
P.S. Once you've collected your review(s) from Azila, you can PM me... I'll give you a few reviews....
Wow, I thought that the format would really annoy me but no, it's nice. Very simple to understand, I really like it. Nice job.
Hi there Cat!
I love this line, especially that you included the sense of smell--which cats have very strong. However, I think it's a little odd... try something like: "Climb small tree. Smells like squirrels. Dry. Not warm, but dry. Shake fur."I don't know if you've read my post yet, but you won 2nd place! Congratulations!
Should be a comma after "here"
I think there should either be a comma or a period before "ow"
Comma before "too"
This is the first time you use exclamation points in the piece... and you use them here in a large quantity. Maybe try putting some in other places, too? ...or maybe not.
Comma before "kitty"
Comma after "okay"
I don't know if cats can understand individual words. Maybe the cat should realize that it's a vet when she SMELLS the vet equipment?
-------------
Like I said in my post about the contest, I love the way you make the cat seem simple but yet intelligent. The really short sentences and the weird tense are quite effective.
One negative thing is that I think cats actually go more by smell than sight. Of course, you didn't do very much sight (mostly hearing) which I'm glad about--but I still think you could use more smell.
Also, I think you should clarify that she falls out of the tree because it might just be me, but I didn't realize she was on the ground until the guy picked her up.
Anyway, congratulations in my contest! PM me about the other three pieces you want me to crit!
Hope this helps.
~Azila~
I agree with what everyone else said.... I wanted you to continue it so I could see how it was all better at the end.
Very nice job! Sad, though.
Commas would help!
Wow this is such a good piece of writing. You style is so unique and interesting that i couldn`t stop reading it
Hi,
That story was very creative, I liked the choppy style. I never heard of a story done like that before.
I have read stories told in animals points of view but they were just like regular old books, this, this was AMAZING.
I think you should write more stories in this style. It was really cute and sweet, and I liked how you showed that the kitten kind of that thought that even the sweet voice was bad, because of what the bad man did to him.
Could you please pm me. I was thinking about writing a story in my bunny's point of view, but her only seeing me as a pair of hands, feet, lips and mouth.
-lg*
This was so cute! Aww... poor little kitty got shot! Run kitty! Bad man threw her on the dumpster! Oh no!
Hurry! Get the vet to help the kitty!
*runs to get a vet*
Well, that was... weird.
But amazing, too! Cat, this was waaaay cool!
I'd say that I would have to agree with Valor on this. You really need commas. It's bugging the heck out of my grammaratical side.
There was only one misspelled word:
warn = worn
Other than that, you have really caught a great story. The choppiness of it really made it dramatic, and like Fangala said, it was addicting to read!
Great job, Cat!
BBB
This was fabulous. Seriously. Your choppy style was fantastic for a cat, or for any kind of animal. It was so simplistic and easy to follow, but yet mature and graphic.
You know, it's weird, but I never thought of cats being abused like that. I always think of dogs when people mention animal abuse. I mean, dogs are bigger and easier to catch generally. Cats are a little more independent and harder to grab hold of.
This was so sad. But nice at the end. Great job...
~GryphonFledgling
Oh, wow. This was so...addicting. I couldn't stop reading it, and I'm pretty sure my heart went crazy. Great job with the choppy style--you really pulled it off. Somehow, overusing the word "ow" pulled it together. Like the pain is all the cat can think about. Pretty clever.
There's basically nothing wrong with this. Sure, some parts are a little TOO choppy, but nothing horrible. Good luck with the contest!
umm.. that was kind of depressing, but it was a very creative style that i enjoyed. you may want to work on where the "bad mad" came from? dose the cat know him? why were they trying to get her/him down?
This is cute. I like how you simplified the narration to make us feel like it's coming from an animal. (not that I think cat's are simple minded. >_> No animal that gets humans to pamper it can be considered anything but genius)
.My only suggestion would be maybe to put comma's in some places.?> "Find cover. Run, run, run. Limping. Ow. Paw hurts. Lick, lick, lick. Ow."
Other than that, this looks good. ^_^ Good luck in the contest!