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Young Writers Society


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Army Base Trauma

by carlak2003


Army Base Trauma

The island of Sanfa in the Pacific Island is home to one of the most haunted army base in the world. It was used for soldiers to hide out in the Asia-Pacific War. There have been many stories of killings and abductions in the last Century in her forests and surrounding areas. There is only one person to date that has got out of there unhurt, but the trauma will haunt her forever, as she watched her best friend get kidnapped by two armed men.

Cheryl and Ava are best friends and where one went the other went too. There was one day where they both went on a yacht around the Pacific. They went past Hawaii and many other islands. They stopped at a deserted island called Sanfa where they stopped to have something to sit down and have a mini picnic and explore. They walked around for ages and eventually discovered an old building. They went inside to discover that there was loads of rooms which were mostly locked however they found one that was unlocked and they went inside. They sat down for a while and ate their lunch. After they went back outside they noticed something strange. The yacht they were traveling in had disappeared. They walked all around the island and their yacht was not there. The next thing happened so quickly, two armed men grabbed Ava and covered her mouth with a cloth.

A year on from the abduction of her best friend Cheryl went on the hunt to find her best friend Ava. She journeyed from Pensacola Airport on a plane which took her to Daniel K. Inouye International Airport. When she arrived in Hawaii she had to take a helicopter which then took her to Sanfa. She walked and walked for ages then she saw a dim light which she then followed. The more she followed the light it became clear that where the light was coming from. It was an old base which looked like it was used in a war some time ago. Cheryl wondered inside to hear faint cries which she thought was her imagination however the cries sounded more human the closer she got. She recognised these cries from the past. She kept on wondering down the corridors and opening doors which so far have led to nothing. The further she got near the end of the corridor the cries became louder and more desperate. As Cheryl finally got to the last door she found that it was locked. She tried to barge open the door but failed. She got out her pocket knife which she carried around with her all the time, she tried the door which wouldn’t budge at first but as she put more strength in it opened. She found Ava with her hands and feet tied together.

Now this was a year on since Ava’s abduction, so the masked men had an idea that Cheryl would come and try to look for Ava, as in the news there has been several appeals to bring her back to safety. Cheryl cut the bits of cloth off her best friend she then tried to get Ava to safety. When she got to the door she found that it was jammed shut by something, she used all her strength to get her and Ava to safety. Then all the sudden two-armed men in balaclavas came out of nowhere and started shooting at them however Cheryl was prepared, she had armed soldiers and police outside on standby and around the whole perimeter, so she was safe. The soldiers and police came in as soon as they heard shooting and fired back.

However, Cheryl saw that Ava didn’t have any weapons she shouted out to a police officer to give her a gun. They both fought for each other and they knew that they were going to be safe now that they both had weapons and that the police would arrest the men who had ruined each of their lives and friends and family.

As soon as Cheryl and Ava got outside to safety they gave each other a huge hug. They were reunited once again, and they promised each other that if they were going away together or on their own they would have an armed adult with them always.

When they got on the helicopter that had brought Cheryl here they found out that their mum’s had been put in hospital after a shooting at their hotel in Hawaii. They told the pilot to take them to the airport nearest to the hospital which was Daniel K. Inouye International Airport, the pilot followed their instructions.

When they got to Honolulu they found a bus which was travelling to the outskirts of Honolulu. They got aboard the bus which took them to the hospital to visit their mum’s. When they got to the hospital Ava found out that she had to stay in hospital and that she had to look after her mum so she can get better. Ava stayed with her mum all the time just to make sure that she took her medication and stayed healthy. She prayed every day for her mum to get better however a couple of months later her mum got really bad and had to get rushed to hospital and she stayed there for a couple of nights when she eventually passed away. The doctors don’t exactly know what the cause of death was but suspect that it was chronic fatigue syndrome which is caused by not enough sleep. Ava suspected that this was caused by her kidnapping and the fear of it happening again.

Ava stayed with Cheryl and her parents until she was 18 when she could find a place of her own.

Although the trauma of her kidnapping will haunt her forever she tries her best to keep calm and does her daily meditation. She will always remember the day, however she will not always think about it.

THE END


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15 Reviews


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Mon Oct 29, 2018 6:07 am
Cyvain87 wrote a review...



This is a very interesting piece of writing however I do have a few criticisms about it which I hope you won't take as me being picky. The first is regarding the line "Cheryl and Ava are best friends and where one went the other went too. " i feel almost horrid having a criticism about the opening line but personally I would have put this instead "Cheryl and Ava are best friends and where one went the other followed.". as this avoids the slightly odd repetition of the word went so soon. The next point I feel needs some work is "They stopped at a deserted island called Sanfa where they stopped to have something to sit down and have a mini picnic and explore." the way this is phrased feels a little disjointed to me and perhaps something like the following would work better here" They stopped at a deserted island called Sanfa so they could sit down to have a mini picnic and explore. "The only other picky critique I have is later on where the story mentions Ava's mother being in hospital and Ava staying to look after her. Yet a short while after that it mentions her getting rushed to hospital again without mention of her having left which is a little confusing to the reader. Now to the positives, this is a very intetesting piece and has a good plot to the story of it I just wish it was maybe a little more fleshed out and longer as it feels there is more thay could be done with the idea that way. Well done it is a great piece of writing.




carlak2003 says...


Thanks I will take this into consideration. @Cyvain87



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Mon Oct 22, 2018 4:07 pm
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hey carla!! Here to bring this out of the green room for you! :)

Overall I think this is a really intriguing concept for a story! I love a good kidnapping story, and I loved the way her friend tried to come and save her. It felt very "Taken" to me.

I think the biggest thing you can do to take this to the next level is to incorporate more showing (rather than telling). Right now, it feels like you're telling the reader what happened. This happened, then this happened, and then she did this and this happened. Instead, I'd like to see all of this unfolding in front of me. I want to see their friendship, see them on this island wondering what happened to their yacht, see the kidnapping, and see this very dramatic rescue.

This is a great article on YWS about showing versus telling. If you still have questions, let me know! :)

I think the whole piece could easily be expanded too because there are a lot of exciting elements and I want to know more!

The next thing happened so quickly, two armed men grabbed Ava and covered her mouth with a cloth.

Like all of this. I want so much more about this abduction. They cover her mouth with a cloth, but then what? What does Ava do? What does Cheryl do? How do they get Ava away and where does Cheryl see her go? Why don't they take Cheryl too? What does Cheryl do after Ava is gone?

A year on from the abduction of her best friend Cheryl went on the hunt to find her best friend Ava.

If their yacht is gone, how did she get off the island? Why did she wait a year to look for Ava? What happened in that span of time?

Overall, very intriguing idea. I want way more description and I want it expanded so I can see everything happening.

Let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention! :D




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Fri Oct 12, 2018 3:43 pm
FireSpyGirl wrote a review...



Hello!
This is a good story/essay, I just noticed a few errors, mostly just some sentence structure.
The first one I noticed was the sentence:

"The island of Sanfa in the Pacific Island is home to one of the most haunted army base in the world."

I would either say "bases," or change the structure a little. Try something like this: "The island of Sanfa in the Pacific Island houses one of the haunted army bases."

The next sentence: "They stopped at a deserted island called Sanfa where they stopped to have something to sit down and have a mini picnic and explore."
You may want to clean that up and clarify it a bit. Reading it like this, I find it confusing and hard to read.

"They went inside to discover that there was loads of rooms which were mostly locked however they found one that was unlocked and they went inside. " You want a comma between "however" and "They". It makes it easier to read, is a little more structured, and sounds nicer.

"A year on from the abduction of her best friend Cheryl went on the hunt to find her best friend Ava. "
This sentence is awkward. Maybe say "A year after..."

I hope this helped!





Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
— Miles Kington