Professor Morgenstern was not like you or me. When coffee was not served fast enough at Starbucks one day, rather than yell angrily and dive back into the morning traffic coffeeless, Professor Morgenstern invented a device which would let him walk through people so that he may have his coffee first. When a car almost ran him over, Professor Morgenstern invented a shield around himself which would explode any object of sufficient mass travelling at him with a sufficient speed. When Professor Morgenstern was young, he had a rule: anything is possible with enough time and resources. Then he invented his Matter Converter, and anything became possible with enough time. Then he invented his Time Machine.
But then there was a girl. We'll skip the discussion of the hole that formed in his heart, and how his automatons could never fill it; there is no reason to try and count the countless sheets scabbed over with mind-bending maths Professor Morgenstern compiled to try and solve the riddle of love. The specifics are not important. The riddle solved itself without equations, the hole in his heart, though still present, knew what it wanted. There was a girl.
Cliche dictates that here will follow Professor Morgenstern's clumsy attempts to woo the lady with his dorky charms, but nothing of the sort happened. They clicked along fabulously, Professor Morgenstern and the girl. He wanted her, and she wanted him. But that's not to say there weren't problems to solve.
"Morgenstern," she said one day. "The world is against us. I am moving to a different city, and we cannot be together."
Professor Morgenstern needed only the time one needs to snap his fingers - what with the Time Machine he had - to build a set of spider-legs onto his science lab and crawl it to a block down from her new house.
"Morgenstern," she said another day. "My mother does not approve of you, and so we cannot be together."
Undaunted, Professor Morgenstern built a curious teleportation machine which let him be with his beloved whenever either of them so desired. It was quiet and subtle, and her mother never found out. At first, Professor Morgenstern wanted to erase her mother's mind and make her think it was alright for them to be together, but the girl was rather against the idea.
"Morgenstern," she said once they rode into Professor Morgenstern's palace and stood alone in his beautifully decorated bed-chamber. "Morgenstern, I've made a mistake. I don't love you."
Professor Morgenstern became gravely inconvenienced at this turn of events. His fist, an object of a sufficient mass, travelled towards the girl at a sufficient speed. The shield reduced the girl to an unfortunate smear on the wall. The force of the explosion boiled the remains into the soft rugs hanging there.
Once again, we'll skip his inevitable realization of this horrific mistake. Professor Morgenstern always had a solution. Nothing is impossible, he said to himself as he stepped into his Time Machine.
"Morgenstern, I've made a mistake," she said, again and again and again and again. "I don't love you. I don't love you. I don't love you."
There was no favourable configuration of time-streams. There was no right sequence of events. There was no answer, but on he tried. "I don't love you." He tried and tried, but he grew weary. On whichever alternate timeline, on whatever attempt, he gave up and left her but a bloody mark in his bed-chamber.
"It's not right to say 'there was no answer'," Professor Morgenstern would correct me here. "The answer simply did not lay in the time-streams."
So he built cloning-machines. He made empty vessels of the girl, which he invaded and carnally explored. And it was good, but only for a while. So then he made an exact copy of the girl, but he made her in such a way so that she would worship him. It was good for a little longer this time. On his next attempt he made an exact replica of her, but manipulated her mind ever so subtly, just enough so that she loved him. And yet, this was still only a different person wearing the shell of his girl's body. He loved the real her, and the real her did not love him back.
For the first time in his life, Professor Morgenstern really did have no answer. So Professor Morgenstern forced a smile at the ever-gazing sun, tore off the shield-device from his arm, and leaped off his tallest tower to his death.
And in a slightly different universe, a slightly different Professor Morgenstern took a slightly different route. He waited patiently in line for Starbucks. He yelled profanity at the reckless driver, but wasted no time because he was yet to build his time machine. Just the same, though, disaster struck: "I don't love you," she said. He was still gravely inconvenienced, but he did not draw his arm for a strike. Instead, he wrote some whiny poetry, cried a bit in the corner.
Then he found another girl.
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,840 Reviews
Loved it!
Well, it would appear you are already satisfied with this work. And you should be! This story was straight and to the point without leaving anything to be desired. Here I am thinking every story needs crazy detail and insanely developed characters and you just waltz in and poke holes all up in my theory! Thanks. No really! You've saved me hours upon hours of redundant writing.
What I liked about this:
Your story is highly focused on the complicatedness of love. It is simple plotwise, but complicated in the fact that it's message is very profound. Beautiful really.
One thing...
The last sentence, to me, should be written "Instead, he wrote some whiny poetry, and cried a bit in the corner...
Then he found another girl."
Quite an eye opener of a story for me. Wonderful work. You have inspired me to stop 'over writing.'
I'm afraid I don't have any decent advice to give after all of these outstanding comments and reviews and analyses before me.
You are a gifted prose writer. This story makes me sit in the quiet sun on a little green grassy hill and feel the breeze take me nowhere but at the moment I am in, and laugh at my sheer stupidity.
There is a world out there, and if I am so caught up in my selfish ambitious desires, I miss every possible facet and manner to enjoy that world, whether that world be good, bad, or something in-between we all must find incredibly difficult to reconcile and accept, but in time grow and slowly understand; and then maybe it is not so bad, none of it.
I see now, your perspectives and your intuition with prose. Your desire to depict the world in an entirely new way, and the vibrant life within it that makes a person want to get up and do something, makes a person learn something. Makes a person regret something. And occasionally, reduce them to tears.
I'm afraid I can't give you a real review, except that there's nothing to review any further. This is professional quality work, or darn near close to it. I loved this.
I feel foolish.
Took a little while, but here I am.
So. There wasn't a whole lot wrong with this, in my eyes. The symbolism was crisp and simple, and the prose complemented this with its sturdy, steadfast structure (alliteration >.<). So many people equate complexity - or simplicity, even - in "deeper level" writing with complexity in prose, lose track in their ostentatious style of what it was they were aiming for in the first place, and end up sounding terribly esoteric. Needless to say, you didn't fall victim to this trap. Taking the top-down approach, if you will - that is, knowing and valuing above all else the endpoint of a story - is vital in pieces like these.
Overall, I have next to no complaints. I could tell you to expand it, but expanding it would stretch out the storyline and the prose, potentially leading to unnecessary detail or obscurity, yadda yadda. Furthermore, expansion would precipitate a distortion of the voice, causing numerous blips in said voice which would have to be accommodated for by more or less rewriting the entire piece.
The only part in which I could see some development to be beneficial would be the beginning; namely, the opening paragraph. I think you will agree when I say that quite a bit of emphasis is placed on the normal setting of Morgenstern's genius at the end, for a great many reasons, the most noticeable of which is the link it provides between the origins of the two alternate endings. It also acts as a whimsical cooldown, preparing the reader for a more lighthearted ending than suicide. While this link is fairly strong, it is not perfect - and what are we as writers to aim for if not perfection? This in mind, some expansion in the beginning would serve this story well, as it would further empower the connection.
Other than this, I really had nothing to comment on in the way of macro criticisms. Your story, like I said before, is very solidly construed, and the moral is both simple and powerful. To be completely honest, I'm a bit hesitant to tamper with the story for fear of disbalancing the moral outcome; in regards to recommending additional scenes or severely editing existent ones, I'm afraid I'll not be of much help. I do, however, have some nitpicks for you to consider.
This is really nitpicky, but the consecutive use of "then" to begin these sentences might be best altered.
Um....
This repetition came across as slightly off-balance. You already told us that there was a girl, so why tell us again? The line sounded like something you might find in a lyrical poem, or the chorus of a song, even (because song choruses are so unnecessarily repetitious) - but not in prose. Frankly, I think the paragraph would sound better without it.
Meh. A bit trivial, yeah? At this point and with this style, irrelevant pieces of information tend to do nothing but get in the way. Besides, it gives the girl personality, and the girl is more of a mere tool in this story than she is a character. Applying personality is unnecessary.
So he lost his temper ("became inconvenienced," as you say) every single time? Did he try reasoning with her?
As I mentioned previously, the link between the beginning and ending is important. It seems like you're rushing this sentence too much.
That's about it, I think. If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to shoot me a PM.
-Kafka
You already have a lot of excellent reviews on this, and more Likes than I think I have ever seen on a literary piece (congratulations, for what it's worth). Because I doubt there is much left for me to say that would actually help you, I'll just tell you what I thought of the piece. Pardon me if you've already heard some of it. And pardon me if it's not as helpful as I may have been in the past.
You say this is a personal piece and not part of your fable collection. Well, I can certainly see how it would be personal (even without pretending to know what is going on in your life right now), but how upset will you be if I likened this to a fable?
In my opinion, this epitomizes the best aspects of your style. It's symbolic, yes, and allegorical--but it is not abstract. It is clever and thought-provoking, but because of its simplicity rather than its obscurity. Your message is, I think, obvious and clear and entirely unencrypted. Your very pro(an?)taginist is by no means a person, but a character. His sole purpose is to be in this story, to illustrate a "moral" if you will. The twist in the end is not so much a twist as an elegant but very explicit way of incorporating that moral.
Understandably, the style is very Vonnegutesque. I think this is what first attracted me to your writing, when I read your Bits and Pieces (about a year ago?!). I was attracted to it because I feel it's unusual in writers today, especially of our general age range. Most of us are trying to be experimental, trying to try new grounds that haven't been stepped on before--and if we do try to mimic an older style, it is just that: mimicry. Cheesy and pretentious. Your language is simple. Your images and symbols are simple. You don't pretend to be what you aren't. And the result is an honest, lucid piece.
One thing that has already been mentioned is the inconsistency of tone. The superhero section didn't fit at all. The killing of the girl was extremely out of place. Not the fact that it happened, but the way it was portrayed. If you don't want to portray emotion in the narrative then don't, but don't make it overly nonchalant by comparing her remains to a mosquito. That seems in very poor taste to me, and it certainly doesn't feel right with the rest of the text. Also, when he kills himself, I don't think there was too little justification for the suicide (I never cared for him and I knew he never really cared for himself that way either) but I do have a suggestion.
It's about the various versions of the girl that he creates after her death. What if, rather than just making him realize that the real girl was irreplaceable, they actually taunted him somehow--made him regret what he did? Of course, that depends on whether you actually want him to regret it. At this point I can't tell and I can't tell if you want me to be able to tell or not. As I see it, either he killed himself from loneliness or he killed himself from guilt, or both. The loneliness is portrayed well enough but if you want to get the guilt across you may want to somehow make the "clones" remind him (verbally) of what he did to the real girl. That would be a way of portraying guilt while preserving the emotionless narrative voice.
Or maybe I've been listening to too much móðir mín í kví kví.
Anyhow, good work. I like this style on you better than when you try to be cryptic, I think. It suits you better and you seem to have an easier time of doing it to its full potential, or very near to it anyhow. Yes, it has parts that I would change if it were up to me. But I can't write like this, so maybe if it were up to me the piece would be ruined. Well, that's for you to decide I suppose.
Good Evening, Apple Core! :p
The introduction was very well done. But why would a genius problem-solver not just invent a coffee maker for home? I get that you're saying he's impatient but you should also keep it true to the character.
This paragraph was inconsistent with the tone of the piece. I think certain causes were words like "triumph," "chivalry," and the last sentence in which you make an odd narrative assertion that doesn't feel right with the rest of the piece. Also I'd like to note that you change tenses.
I think some emphasis is deserved here. I feel like the shield-device-detachment was a plot-consisteny hassle here and you're just mentioning it so there wouldn't be any loopholes. But if you emphasized his departure from his technology in a less off-hand manner it could have more thematic impact.
Last (and least) negative thing was the execution of the execution of the girl [sic]. It was dark, but the humor (that I think you were intending) didn't come off as strongly as it could of. This is all only small, but subtlety is key for this moment. I think having Morgen speak up and saying something here could give it a whole new dynamic. The next paragraph mentions his regret, but he doesn't seem to really regret it.
OK, onto what I liked! (This part is smaller but it outweighs the rest, due to its broad-sweeping nature) Besides what I've mentioned, this piece was very well stylized and consistent in voice and tone. The character was well developed and the storytelling was clever. Even the paragraph lengths were great. The use of time was also careful and effective. The conclusion felt like it was just the right way to end it.
I also loved what you briefly delved into in the fourth-to-last paragraph. His inability to make a different copy of her that was true to the original. That whole concept just intrigues me.
Favorite lines:
P.S. Was there any intentional layer of meaning with the Prof.'s name?
Love this story. Keep it up carbs!
-"Idol"
This is a short one, but I think this deserves all the good mojo. Congrats. =)
-M.
This was incredible. It felt like it was in the vein of "A series of unfortunate events" I was biased to this thinking by listening to russian polka while I read. Lovely piece.
cC, marry me.
In other news, I liked this a lot more than I thought I was going to. A lot more than I probably would have bet myself over. It was rather straight-forward, no flowery descriptions. All rather fairy-tale like in simplicity mixed with that hazy, unfocused pieces devoid of emotion which you seem to favor. Not that that's a bad thing, of course! The emotional detachment of character to reader makes the story all the more impacting, at least in this case. It could have went one of two ways and you took it in the right direction beautifully so.
Now, onto some critical things in which I found could use a bit of work;
I realize, to keep such a quick, almost tale-like story line, one should not dwell on what doesn't need to be dwelled upon. That being said, this, though, I found to be rather subtle as opposed to the rest of the piece, as if you jumped ship a little too early. That realization might make for some good fiction, if given the chance. That bland off-handedness at first, than the realization. Of course, that's completely up to you.
Now, I understand that you're using the word 'then' for your own purposes here, but starting off two sentences in a row with 'then' creates a redundancy which I'm sure you don't want nor need. So possibly think of a better connective word?
Other than that, this piece was odd to me, in a good way of course. Different, as it was rather dark piece of fiction with an interesting twist in which I found to be quite exciting. Its a tale that has been told by many different people, but not quite like how you do it, cC, and I respect that all the more. You have a way of making even the worst aspects of people look poetic and interesting, and even though the idea of this Prof taking carnal pleasure from a clone seems to be quite the bleak, horrifying image, it doesn't come across as such simply because of how you worded this.
Rather a mature piece. A moral story for adults. You clearly have something to say and everyone's hearing it.
~Walker
Ha HA! Fantastic. It's so wild yet so dark, it's like Grimm's Sci-Fi Fairy Tales.
This line really sets the stage for hilarity. It might have flowed a little better with parallelism if the last line were worded "Then he invented his Time Machine, and anything became possible." But I'm sure you debated this and chose what you did for a reason.
Overall, though, the solutions to each problem (except the body shield one) seemed pretty cobbled together and ugly. I mean, I guess it's kind of Inspector Gadget-y/Rube Goldberg-y/Doc Brown-y/mad scientist over-the-top. But are still rather inelegant. Line too long? Walk through them? Moving away? I own the country? Mom doesn't like me? I have a huge robot, she likes me now? Yeah, I guess, sure, why not.
The "Once again" made me look back through the piece to see what you were referring to, but I didn't find it. Where before did he skip his inevitable realization of his horrific mistakes? I guess we did skip portions of the story before this, but this line just makes me double-take.
This was great.
I don't know, I guess it's telling of his character, but I would think he might at least ask her "why?" at some point and the answer would be significant, even if unchangeable. I know the girl is only given so many stock lines and it would ruin the formula to deviate, but it still does seem important to me.
Anyway, all in all, fantastic read. Thanks.
I didn't like this story until the last line.
And then I love it.
I think you found your own unique to show the message of life goes on(if not in this dimension, than another;)), and I tip my hat to you for doing that.
I have no complaints.Well done.
*Follow* and *like*. ~DG
I want to get back to this. Eventually.
I read it. It was darkly entertaining. Somehow, on the other side of things (the alternate and less poignant version of the Professor), I found that there was a bit of weak symbolism. Are you referring to the writer as a wimpy evil scientist? Perhaps I'm on the wrong tangent.
Anyway, it was good- very good. I sensed the humor, but couldn't laugh; that's OK, though, because I rarely laugh at anything- other people may have laughed, but who knows.
No grammatical errors.
The dialogue was fine, and the underlying theme was apparent. In the end, there were unanswered questions and a strange, unsettled feeling sinking in my gut. But I'm assuming that that was your purpose all along.
It was interesting. Keep writing!
Hey,
Hmm, there isn't much to review here. It had a very concise, professional feel to it and you really wasted no words.
If she's moving, what would conquering the country and owning all the cities do to slow that down? She's still moving. It's just that he now owns wherever she's moving. Maybe I'm dull, but it didn't seem like the resolution you gave us really fixed the problem.
I don't quite understand this part. If he's kidnapping the girl he loves, why wouldn't he just leave her mother in her house? Why build her a palace?
I had to read this twice to understand it. Wow, I actually really liked this. Well, I'm not psychopathic, I don't like that the girl exploded, but I liked the way you described it.
Question: With all this happening, is the original girl still dead? Wouldn't anyone care if she was? It seems like Professor Morgenstern doesn't face any consequences with anything he does, which is pretty weird. I mean, wouldn't the science world go crazy over the invention of a Time Machine? I understand that we should suspend our disbelief and just assume that the Professor just rules the world, but it seems rather unrealistic, to be honest.
I hope I haven't made myself sound like too much of an idiot.
~*~
The ending was absolutely perfect. I really liked the "He cried in the corner, wrote some whiny poetry" line, even though it doesn't seem very Morgenstern-like. The story overall was darkly humorous and had just the right about of description, dialogue and all that other junk. Great job.
Grade: A
If you have any questions or comments, PM me.
~Jas
Reviewtiem, love. So you already know most of my quick thoughts about this, but there are a couple of things I want to stress about this piece in case you decide to revise again.
First off, irregular, strained, and/or ineffectual tone. Now, this mild and rather factual tone is a very, very nice touch in this piece, but I think at times it feels a bit strained. You do quite a nice job of not going into the emotions and specific thoughts of the character, while maintaining a nice quality of humanness. You let the reader think and develop the story for themself, without keeping it too generalized and vague, which is truly excellent. However, as I said, it gets a bit strained at times. Here is an example:
I don't know if it's awkward tone or awkward structuring, but this is one example of where I felt your piece stumbled, just a bit.
Then there, are bits where I feel we are led to doubt the character. Morgenstern is an interesting man, there is no refuting that, and his character is left to fall into cliche at parts, which I actually think works quite a bit because of the twists and wonderful way you've told this story, but in this space:
and here I have to wonder whether Morgenstern ever felt remorse or what he was doing was immoral. If his character makes sense. Sometimes he seems almost too human and sometimes he seems apathetic. You just leave it at "she wasn't the same" which is a selfish way at looking at it-- he only stopped doing what he was doing because it wasn't working for HIM, or because he realized that it was wrong and that he needed someone human, someone who had the ability to reject him, because that contrast of someone accepting you and loving you even though they have the opportunity, maybe even reasons, not to, is what makes it count. There is a dire lack of this in your story. That is my main, problem, I think, as stupid as that may seem.
Next up, lack of specificities. I don't mean in emotion or character reactions, as I've already mentioned that and said that I quite like the way you handled that, but much more in description and the relationship between the two main characters. You rely too much on assumption in their relationship. You describe a couple of difficulties between them, resolutions that he creates, but very little of what actually happens between them. We have no sense of time, no sense of what is going on. The reason for his suicide seems almost unwarranted, aside from the fact that he's killed someone, but we have no sense of horror to share with him. Now, this might just be my personal taste completely, because I adore specific descriptions and details, but it's something to consider, I think. If you think it would change the tone or distance from the story too much, leave it as it is. It works, just differently. Same thing goes with imagery.
Now-- just a few more thoughts, I promise
This is good. Quite good, in fact, probably one of my favorite prose pieces from the site for a while. I wasn't super ecstatic about it at first, but you've changed a lot of things, gave it a fabulous ending in place of what was here before, and overall, it works. Very, very well. You have a nice even cadence and fabulous language-- a sense of lucidity that, quite frankly, I envy. So, love, job well done.
Okay, so here I am, as requested. I must say, I am glad I made it.
So I will look at this the way I look at published work, I won't focus on a line by line, I won't point out little errors or nuances that others may. Because the writing itself is good, flawless. The story could do with a little tweaking.
Okay so as far as style goes, you nailed it. It's consistent, reasonably unique and fits well with the story. Hints of Vonnegut(?) rung through. I think you could allow yourself a little figurative language here and there. If I have any gripes with the writing and the style, it is the lack of those little quirky metaphors that could really set this aside. I assume Vonnegut is a big influence on this, so I will site his work. One thing Vonnegut does exceptionally well is he places a breathtaking image in the heart of the action, breathtaking yet quirky and strange. He takes a moment for the reader to catch their breath. He could be describing anything and the way in which he words it, and where he places it is genius.
So many writers have tried and failed to mimic his style, to compete in the subgenre he truly made his own. Few have actually earned comparison. Some have adapted their style - conceded as it were. I, for one, have struggled to draw a great deal of inspiration from his work. I wrote a story King that was probably my best shot. But I never really felt comfortable.
The point I wish to make regards the lack of clear imagery. I think for the most part you are clear and concise and rather unique, but this would be a great deal stronger if you placed a little more weight on the image. It's a balancing act, and you have been so damn good and thorough, but I would suggest just loosening up the prose and allowing the image to come about naturally - if that makes sense.
Now the next thing. Take care with repetition. I hope Vonnegut is an influence or my face will be red because I am going to site him again. My biggest criticism of Vonnegut is his repition. 'And so it goes,' 'So be it,' ' Bokonism' spring to mind. You don't hash mantras over and again, but you do carelessly repeat words, I'm not sure if it's a matter of accident or design. Here is an example.
and here is another.
I think it contributes to the style and you do get away with it. Just take care. I am particularly sensitive to this, so I would get a second opinion.
This line also seems a little misplaced. I don't like it, or the one before. The story is at its close, it has been a delightful ride. Drive home the point, we know the alternate universe version is subtly different, don't commit any more to this detail.
I have read some of your older stuff. The last piece you posted was good, but wasn't really my thing. I will say, the greatest strength of your writing is its fluidity and effortlessness. I would like to believe you wrote this and that was that. But somewhere deep down I know there must have been a great deal of rewriting, editing, reworking, research, and polishing. But the reader will never know and that is truly a beautiful thing, like a watchface with gold and diamonds, always telling the time, but always concealing the workings, the grind, the strain and effort. So well done, don't get lazy and don't lose this because your prose is professional, lacking at times, but professional - everything else is preference!
JP
I love this! I like the way you stated everything that happened so matter-of-factly and made the professor such a lovable dumbass. The ending was pretty unexpected, since he always solves his problems, but I guess it sort of gives it a theme, that love can't be forced. I also like how you added the part about the alternate universe, with the other less proactive professor who could move on from heartbreak. I didn't really see any problems, other than that the main character isn't quite 3-dimensional. But great job, and keep up the good work!
Oohhh, I love this kind of writing!
Simple yet clever wording, a subtle flow and rhythm of words, and a witty, sad, and somehow pleasant tone throughout. Is this perfect? No, there are a few things I would look back on and tweak. Yet the other reviewers covered it and give me the opportunity to just say, I liked this. 
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
Hey cC,
I like the overall rhythm and simplicity of language here, as well as the story's self-awareness, and the way you build up the 'tragedy' in the story only to completely trivialize it with the end.
The main comment I'd like to make, I think, would be that some of the formulaic expressions you repeat grow overly repetitive. I understand it is part of the point, as indeed this is only, in a way, a progression of similar events only changing in scale, but there are times when it doesn't read like another brick on the edifice so much as another layer of drab paint on a wall already painted over.
There are also points where I feel like the tone is a bit off, like you're straying from the very matter-of-fact way that seems the default in favor of a more Silver Age comic books-style enthusiasm (the part about the triumphant kidnapping pops out especially), and it jars me out.
Then you've got the small things, where I think you went a bit overboard with similes ("like a burst mosquito full of blood freshly suckled from your vein." is such a stumbling mouthful), but that's probably more a personal squick.
A fun read, overall. Nice work.
I like this, and I like that I liked Morgenstern even after he punched the girl (the first time) but really didn't want to like him, and I like that you didn't waste any words. But:
doesn't fit in with the effortlessness of the rest of the writing. Just using a contraction instead of 'that is' would fix it, I think.
*needed?
Thanks for an entertaining read!
Again in the style of Eastern European speculative fiction, again excellent. The pulp geek in me would have preferred the Prof. to meet his other less intense self and realize that this is what he wants and then operate on his brain. Haha!