Published April 18, 2010
this poem was shit and i wanted to delete it but i didnt now how to so this is me improvising
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141,399 Literary Works • 674,387 Reviews
Hey this is a good attempt at a first poem, although like everyone else im strugling to understand what the poem is all about? It does not seem to go anywhere and a lot of it doesnt really make sense! It felt like you where over thinking the whole thing and trying to make the poem more dramatic than what it needs to be. You should consider re writing this poem as I truely believe it has potential, good luck. LonelyBones xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Well it was a very imaginative poem, and quite good for a first time! You want to be careful you do not hide your meaning to well in metaphors because people might miss your meaning. I hope you found this elpful and PM me if you want any more reviews or opinions!
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well thanks again to everyone for the advice and I will add a couples of verses to it and hopefully it will then make more sense and by the why how do you review someone elses work?
Well I suppose you're tired of hearing this by now, and I'm sorry if I sound like a broken record, but the poem is hard to understand. I also don't understand the whole "couture" thing...but in any case welcome to YWS, I hope you have fun and that our critisism doesn't scare you away!
I don't really understand the poem either. Maybe you can incorporate what you just told us into the poem?
-Crescent
Hi! Welcome to YWS!
To the poem! I rather liked it, but it seemed a bit unfocused, and I didn't really know what was going on. Well, I did know what was going on between the girl and the guy, but I am a bit confused as to how your narrator plays into it.
How can your narrator feel what is going on with the other girl? If it's a metaphor, how? For what? Like Jagged said, how does couture fit into it?
I think this could be longer! Add a stanza or two that builds off the bone of this poem and turns it into something fully three-dimensional.
My Rating:
6/10
PM me if you have questions!
-Elinor xo
EDIT: I notice you replied while I was writing my review, sorry! Poets shouldn't have to explain what their work is about in separate posts. The poem should do the explaining for them, so our advice is still valid.
Thank for the advice
Firstly, welcome to YWS! Consider making a post on the Welcome Mat board so we may properly greet you.
Second, it is strongly recommended that you review some of other people's work before posting your own: the more you review, the more you will be reviewed.
Now, on to the poem:
I am not sure what it going on. There are three people there - him, her and 'you', but I have trouble picturing what is happening between them.
I am trying to decided whether the use of 'couture' makes sense in context. The jury's still out.
Also, some of your images are awkward: "As his menacing face pours fear into her eyes" for example is a very strange turn of phrase, and I am wondering how 'you' can feel "his venom running through her body".
Try clearing things up, and expand on the ending: why is it that all you can do is wait?