Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Fantasy

E - Everyone

log 2- Lany Evergale

by calmyindanger


Its been a couple a days since I've last written a log. I have managed to find a spot in the woods that is safer than others. I'm currently sitting in the middle of a clearing where the monsters can't reach me. the forest is far larger than it looks. Before I came in here I thought it was possibly a 13 mile wide forest in all directions, I was wrong.

While walking for hours on end I haven't even reached the middle, I think. Now that I have time to think without it near me I can describe where I am. I have already stated that I am sitting in the middle of a clearing in the forest. The grass rubs against my skin and it tickles bring joy. The trees seem stretched, looming, towering, and so many other words to describe how tall they have become. The bark is withered and looks wet, I don't dare step out of the clearing to see what I feels like however.

I'm happy that I finally get a chance to nap but I am unsure as to whether that's a good choice. I'm only assuming I am safe after all, it may not follow the rules of the forest. I find it strange how when I saw that thing that I remembered something that seemed important. it was a creature that is kinda hard to express. A small mouse like figure shrouded within the darkness followed by a presence that I can't begin to quantify. they thing reminds me of when I was younger, my family owned this small pet rat. We called him nibbles because he did that to about everything. In fact, Nibbles was the reason I ever met Jorge and Henry.

One day Nibbles escaped the mansion my family was living in, my father sent the workers to find him. I was not to pleased and cried so I was swiftly asked what would make me happy. My mood changed from anger to happiness as I said I wanted to help. At the time I was about three years old and of course i don't remember this event. My father told me about it when I grew up but I do remember something strange. After a couple days my father outsourced the search for Nibbles to the entire town, offering a reward to who ever found Nibbles.

I ended up meeting Henry and Jorge that way. As I looked for Nibbles I thought I had saw him going to the playground so, I ran after him. When I caught up to nibbles his fur was darker than its usual white. Henry and Jorge where playing on the swing set and saw Nibbles as well, they got down and started playing with him. I threw a tantrum as Nibbles was mine and mine alone to be played with. Fond memories to look back on, Being such a brat was preferable to the now and here.

Jorge was the one who picked up Nibbles and started bringing him towards me as I wailed. Then, then was the moment that I remember so clearly. Nibbles turned towards me and looked at me, immediately I was filled with dread and fear. I wanted to kick, scream, run, cry, and just use myself utterly but I couldn't move. I felt cold and empty and alone. The fear closed in on me as if I was being watched by this being so out of this world. Slowly I started feeling pinpricks all over my body as my breathing quickened. It is like.........how to describe it. Have you ever had a moment of absolute and unreasonable fear? It was worse than that because my mind was telling me what to be afraid of. it. So, i was afraid of it and I couldn't move at all.

I felt as if staying close to the ground was no longer an option for me. I started climbing and I've gotten away from my small town. I've gotten away from the things that made me who I was at the time. In all honesty, as soon as I am out of here I'll cutting all ties I have had with this place.

It is getting a little dark on my end. The safe spot will disappear soon, I'll have to go. I will update this log later, 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
66 Reviews


Points: 4882
Reviews: 66

Donate
Wed Jul 01, 2020 6:53 pm
View Likes
Awru wrote a review...



Helloo! Awru here to review you work.
First off I really enjoy the diary like feel of this novel. You were able to convey it in a really solid way. The grammar is also quite consistent. It seems like an interesting plot so far. Especially with the small bits and pieces of the story being revealed gradually. It makes the reading very enjoyable instead of dumping all the info on readers instantly. I also like the descriptions of the forest very much. Its quick paced and yes its understandable for it to be quick paced and flowy since its like a journal but at some points it seems too rushed. Although I am enjoying the pace so far but dont rush it to the point where it becomes over whelming. The writing style is appreciable and fits well with the theme of the story so far.
I also like how you have described a bit of Lany's character that she was a brat and spoiled when little. Character description, personality are very important to tell cuz everyone wants to know what kind of person their reading about. Right!
I noticed at some points especially after periods you didnt capitalize the letters. Now I know capatilization seem like a petty thing but it can really throw off the reader and disrupt the flow. At some places you also didnt capitalize i which is absolutely holy lol.

. it was a creature that is kinda hard to express.

You said it further in the story too that it was hard to express. Now its an absolute personal choice but you'ed rather not say that it was hard to describe sth. Just go ahead and describe it to the best of your abilities and if the creature was unclear just describe the bits and pieces, the silhouette, the distinguishing features etc.
. I felt cold and empty and alone. The fear closed in on me as if I was being watched by this being so out of this world. Slowly I started feeling pinpricks all over my body as my breathing quickened. It is like.........how to describe it. Have you ever had a moment of absolute and unreasonable fear? It was worse than that because my mind was telling me what to be afraid of. it. So, i was afraid of it and I couldn't move at all.

Although I really like this emotional description but I feel like you can make it better. Now see, Lany is kinda reliving her memories at that moment. She is indulged in the thoughts. It would be better if you expressed the emotions more. This part also seems quite rushed. I feel like you should slow this part a bit and make her relive that fear since it seems like a strong memory.

Thats all I have to say. Overall I really enjoyed reading your story. You did a good job of hooking me. I hope I get to read more of Lany Evergale!
Plz remember these are my opinions not a line drawn on a rock. You should benefit from a review yes but only you know your story best.

Keep Up the Excellent Work! :smt023

PEACE OUT






Thank you

Thank you for the feed back, every bit is helpful. as for my choice on not describing the monster fully, it was on purpose. ill be sure to try to slow down a bit. I'm not good at pacing but it is a work in progress.I'll also work more on grammar.





thank you
-calmyindanger



Awru says...


Dont mention it :D



User avatar
291 Reviews


Points: 29025
Reviews: 291

Donate
Wed Jul 01, 2020 7:04 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

And back for your second part.

First Impression: Some very interesting stuff here. A lot of information is being randomly dumped though. A bit hard to follow along in some parts but the whole piece does give the correct vibe you'd expect from a person that is in the situation that your main character is in so good on you for that.

Before I came in here I thought it was possibly a 13 mile wide forest in all directions, I was wrong.


So she just assumed this or was the 13 mile thing like an official measurement or something like that?

The grass rubs against my skin and it tickles bring joy. The trees seem stretched, looming, towering, and so many other words to describe how tall they have become. The bark is withered and looks wet, I don't dare step out of the clearing to see what I feels like however.


Some pretty good description right there.

I'm happy that I finally get a chance to nap but I am unsure as to whether that's a good choice. I'm only assuming I am safe after all, it may not follow the rules of the forest. I find it strange how when I saw that thing that I remembered something that seemed important. it was a creature that is kinda hard to express. A small mouse like figure shrouded within the darkness followed by a presence that I can't begin to quantify. they thing reminds me of when I was younger, my family owned this small pet rat. We called him nibbles because he did that to about everything. In fact, Nibbles was the reason I ever met Jorge and Henry.


One thing here: Its a pretty neat bit of backstory with how Lana met this Jorge and Henry and how it was all about this pet rat but it just takes away from the original description of this monster thing. This presence gives us a very mysterious and dangerous vibe but then running right off into a story about a pet rat just totally disrupts the overall flow.

Jorge was the one who picked up Nibbles and started bringing him towards me as I wailed. Then, then was the moment that I remember so clearly. Nibbles turned towards me and looked at me, immediately I was filled with dread and fear. I wanted to kick, scream, run, cry, and just use myself utterly but I couldn't move. I felt cold and empty and alone. The fear closed in on me as if I was being watched by this being so out of this world. Slowly I started feeling pinpricks all over my body as my breathing quickened. It is like.........how to describe it. Have you ever had a moment of absolute and unreasonable fear? It was worse than that because my mind was telling me what to be afraid of. it. So, i was afraid of it and I couldn't move at all.


Wait why was she terrified of her own pet rat?

I felt as if staying close to the ground was no longer an option for me. I started climbing and I've gotten away from my small town. I've gotten away from the things that made me who I was at the time. In all honesty, as soon as I am out of here I'll cutting all ties I have had with this place.


Sounds like a pretty hefty backstory there. Looking forward to seeing more of this. This is sounding really interesting.

And that's it for this one.

Overall: If you look past the slightly off pacing attributing it to the fact that this is meant to be a hurried written journal entry we're learning some very interesting things. We don't know much about our main character yet though. Hopefully we get to see more of her actual personality soon rather than just the backstory.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry






Thank you

I will take note of the things you've said about the story. As for the answer to your question on the measurement of the forest, she only guessed. its not an official measurement.

thank you
-calmyindanger



HarryHardy says...


Your Welcome!!
Ahh that makes sense.




Change isn't inherently good, but you can't stop it, so let's just enjoy the ride. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
— TheSilverFox