log 1 - lany evergale.

Hi, CalmlyInDanger! I know I'm a little late to review this but decided to do it for RevMo. Anyways,

"I should have never been brave enough to set foot in this forest. When I think back to what led me to sitting in a tree and using the last of my light to write this, I feel stupid. My name is Lany Evergale, the daughter of the mayor of Evergale grove. a small town known for wide forest that is illegal to even enter. One Friday night while rustling with some cave equipment that I had just brought back from a trip I noticed a note from my Jorge, my childhood friend."

This is a great first paragraph, the beginning is very mysterious and hooking. I noticed that to me, it felt like a lot of information for just one paragraph. Perhaps try to break up the paragraph and add more text to help the reader digest it easier.

"Jorge was a nice guy. he cared about others but really needed help with some of the dumbest things. One time in High school he managed to get in this relationship with a cat fisher and tried to run away but, his ankle was broken. When he confronted the cat fisher Henry and me had to carry him away in a hurry. Me and Henry are engaged now, if i can get out of this place I would love to finish our marriage."


This is a good chapter that provides insight on Jorge. The paragraph feels a bit clunky and could be formatted better.

"The note that Jorge left me stated that he went inside the woods for firewood and would be back soon. Such a simple task would not need me, so I left it. I knew the woods where off limits. I knew I should have chased after him before he entered, and I never did. I was tired from the trip and just wanted to take a nap and so I did."


Another great paragraph. Where should be were but the rest of the paragraph looks good.

"Saturday went on as usual until i noticed that Jorge wasn't at his house when I stopped to check on him. he lives alone in a two story house, you can find it easily since its the oldest looking one. he wasn't home and I went back to mine. two more days passed by and he still didn't show up. Henry was becoming restless and started getting angry quicker at any mention of Jorge."


This sets up the plot really well. It has the right amount of mysteriousness.

"He danced around the whole situation and refused to tell me what was bothering him. Eventually after some tea he did tell me. he told me that when we were all younger we entered the forest together. we did not stay long because things got out of hand as night time came in. apparently some rabid animal attacked us and I passed out."


So she's been in the forest before? That's a good piece of story. There could be a dialogue conversation here though that would make it even better.

"Nothing strange to me but Henry insisted that there was no animals in the forest at all. he said that some old man attacked us and we ran away, out of the forest. Henry went as far to say that there was no animals in Ever gale forest at all, he was right but I did not believe him. I grew worried and packed up some gear before heading to the forest. Henry told me one thing before I left the house."


This is good but its a little bit confusing. It could be structured better. Also when you say Ever gale it should be one word or have the g in gale capitalized.

"be sure to never let the lights go out or I wont ever find my way out. At the time I thought he evening medication and I on my way. That Monday night changed everything. the entrance to the forest was a red flag and i ignored it. the woods were lifeless, dry, and still. the tree bark was rotting and the forest seemed to pull me in as I stepped forward."


The be at the beginning should capitalized and the sentence "At the time I thought he evening medication and I on my way." Doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Overall a good paragraph.

"At that moment I felt my heart telling to run as far as I could away from the woods. I continued walking deeper in the woods without heeding the warnings. I came across some fires that seemed to have not been used in a while. Needles stuck out from random places in the trees, my hair dark grey getting caught several times in them. at the time I could have gone back yet, my ignorance and pride kept me going inward to misery. I kept walking for four hours and my torch started flickering out."


Besides the few grammatical errors, this is a great paragraph!

"I felt something starting tickling the back of my neck as the light went out. It was wet and smooth, unlike anything that I've known. oh no, its getting closer. I'll have to continue later."


Overall the story felt a little bit rushed. It could have been slower and longer and with more details. I'll be reviewing chapter 2 tomorrow probably. Until then, happy writing!

-RadDog

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hey, saw your second part in the green room so I thought I'd look at this too.

First Impression: Felt like it moved a touch too fast there. You might want to be careful there. Other than that very mysterious. Sounds like it will be pretty interesting.

Anyway let us begin,

I should have never been brave enough to set foot in this forest. When I think back to what led me to sitting in a tree and using the last of my light to write this, I feel stupid. My name is Lany Evergale, the daughter of the mayor of Evergale grove. a small town known for wide forest that is illegal to even enter. One Friday night, while rustling with some cave equipment that I had just brought back from a trip I noticed a note from my Jorge, my childhood friend.

Jorge was a nice guy. he cared about others but really needed help with some of the dumbest things. One time in High school he managed to get in this relationship with a cat fisher and tried to run away but, his ankle was broken. When he confronted the cat fisher Henry and me had to carry him away in a hurry. Me and Henry are engaged now, if i can get out of this place I would love to finish our marriage.

Saturday went on as usual until i noticed that Jorge wasn't at his house when I stopped to check on him. he lives alone in a two story house, you can find it easily since its the oldest looking one. he wasn't home and I went back to mine. two more days passed by and he still didn't show up. Henry was becoming restless and started getting angry quicker at any mention of Jorge.

He danced around the whole situation and refused to tell me what was bothering him. Eventually after some tea he did tell me. he told me that when we were all younger we entered the forest together. we did not stay long because things got out of hand as night time came in. apparently some rabid animal attacked us and I passed out.

be sure to never let the lights go out or I wont ever find my way out. At the time I thought he evening medication and I on my way. That Monday night changed everything. the entrance to the forest was a red flag and i ignored it. the woods were lifeless, dry, and still. the tree bark was rotting and the forest seemed to pull me in as I stepped forward.

I felt something starting tickling the back of my neck as the light went out. It was wet and smooth, unlike anything that I've known. oh no, its getting closer. I'll have to continue later.

Hiya!

This is an interesting story! I think the journal-approach is really fascinating and can lend itself a great way to get inside the character’s head, and I like that you’ve chosen this approach. Also, I have to say I love the name Lany Evergale!

So far, I think the plot is really ~mysterious~. Like, there’s a forest that they’re not supposed to go into? And apparently Henry, Lany, and Jorge all went into it when they were kids? That sets up a really nice conflict already and there’s lots of potential for drama to ensue. So great set up!

Alright, so while I like the journal-entry style, I’m a bit confused on it’s execution. Is Lany writing all of this as she’s in the forest? I think some context-development would be really nice; is she sitting by a tree stump, or is it nighttime? etc etc. Also, to explain my confusion, I’m confused about the timing.

I felt something starting tickling the back of my neck as the light went out. It was wet and smooth, unlike anything that I've known. oh no, its getting closer. I'll have to continue later.

Hi calmyindanger,

First of all, I wanted to say that I like your story. I think it's interesting how it's written, in the first person. I have to agree with @thepages, you don't really have a description of the scene. It's hard for me to picture the forest for example. I also feel like the story it's a bit rushed. We start in the forest on a mysterious, creepy tone, then we learn something about their backstory
and we go back to the action. I would like to take more time to present to us the characters and how did they become friends. Taking time to describe us more will bring more mystery to your story. What I did like about the action was how you describe her feelings when entering the forest:
" At that moment I felt my heart telling to run as far as I could away from the woods. I continued walking deeper in the woods without heeding the warnings."
One more thing about the storyline is that Henry seems more careful about what happened to his friend than his fiance. I don't think he would just let her go into the forest. That's just my opinion you chose what to do.
On the grammar side, your mistakes have been already showed to you but I'd like to point out that you forget to use capital letters. Like in here:
". at the time I could have gone back yet, my ignorance and pride kept me going inward to misery. I kept walking for four hours and my torch started flickering out. ". A quick check and you should see them.
Overall I think it's a nice story so keep writing,
MoonIris.

Hello, i have a review for u. First i like your story, although i think you should revise it more, describe the scenes a little more. There are also some gramma issues...for the critique
"...some cave equipment i had brought back from a trip, i noticed a letter from my Jorge(i thnk u should omit the 'my' before Jorge coz soon after u are repeating it to tell us that he is ur childhood friend."
"when he confronted the cat fisher Henry and me (ths is best said Henry and i) had to carry him in a hurry. Even the next sentence, 'Henry and i' could replace 'me and henry'"
"i knew the woods where (i think this was supposed to be were, i knew the woods were offlimits)"
"i should have chased after him before he entered, and i never did( 'but' instead of and could best work here, but i never did)"
"he wasnt home and(so) i went back to mine"
"...but Henry insisted that there was(were)no animals in the forest..."
the entrance to the forest was a red flag and(but)i ignored it.
Those are some grammatical errors you could work on, sorry if my critiquing is un clear, you could msg if u have some questions.
Keep on writing!