The room was decorated with candles, balloons, and a giant banner that said; “ Welcome May Belle!” I groaned. I liked the decorations and the idea of a warm welcome. But they spelt my name wrong!
Well, I am just such a pushover when it comes to my name. To me, it’s easy, but people have to make it so difficult. They spell it like Belle from Beauty and the Beast, I don’t know why people make things so complicated.
It was really nice of them to through me a party and close their shop for me, but I was to sullen for it. I came into the building, half expecting 5 people to pop up out of hiding places and yell; “surprise!” But the room was silent, motionless, and peaceful. I left my bags by the door and found a ladder ageist the far wall. I open it up and use a magic marker from my purse to scribble the E.
As I came down and put it away, I heard a glass shatter from a distance and then a voice yelled;” Mom, she’s here!” Then I heard rushing footsteps come down a stair case and then Mrs. Hatstat, who looked exactly like she did in the pictures from 7 years ago, which were taken when we visited last.
She was short, with curly black shoulder length hair. She has a great fashion since, but only for her age. Her arms were full of folders and papers, and she had a purse completely over flowed.
“May Bell! Oh I’m so glad you’re here!” She dropped all her stuff on the ground
and gave me a hug. I didn’t really mind, I was a hugger at home. Once I’m used to this place, my normal personality will probably come back. “Sorry we lost track of time, we have been pretty busy. You can sit on that sofa over there, and I’ll go get the kids.” Before I could say anything, she dashed up the stairs. I shook my head and headed over to the couch.
I sat their and then I heard them coming down the stair case. As they came in, I could name them. Right behind Denise was a boy about 17, with blond hair and amazing blue eyes. He was wearing the average Echo Unlimited shirt. I knew he was Aaron. Behind him was a 15 year old girl with light brunette wavy hair and freckles who was wearing sporty clothes. That must be Rebecca. Then behind her was a girl my age, with black wavy hair and beautiful chocolate brown eyes that sparkled in the light. She was my childhood friend, Rachel.
I expected to see a boy my age, Judah, come through the door too, but the line ended there. It puzzled me.
The kids sat in front of me on the floor in a semi-circle, and Denise went into the kitchen and brought out six presents, one from each family member. I blushed red.
“You didn’t need to get me anything.” I told them. Denise disagreed and handed me the presents. I opened hers first, and found a uniform of her store in the bag.
“ Lulu said that you looking for a job, but you couldn’t find one for your age.” She smiled. “ You start tomorrow.” I thanked her and asked if she could afford to pay the pay check. She assured me that they could then handed me the next gift. Inside was a scrapbook, filled with pictures of other counties and had info about the locations.
“ Your mom said you want to join the mission field and visit far away places, so this is a scrapbook of pictures I took.” Aaron said. I knew he wanted to be a photographer, but did he really give all his foreign pictures to me? I thanked him, maybe about three times in a row, for the wonderful gift. Next came Rebecca’s gift. It was dance clothes, a water bottle, and a couple CDs.
“ The dance school is down town, Class is every Tuesday at 10:00am. I watched your old videos of your performances at your old church, you're good, so it gave me the idea.” I thanked her as well, then turned to Rachel’s gift. I opened a decorative box to find a sketch book. I opened it and found a beautiful sketch of a Beautiful Purple Ball gown perfect for a princess. I stared in awe.
“ I can make it for you, just need your measurements and adjustments. I knew it was your favorite color.” Rachel told me.
“ It’s beautiful!” I said. I closed the book. “ Thank you so much.” I turned to Mr. Hatstat’s gift. I opened a small bag and in side was a super cool cell phone! I loved It! Then I dared my self to ask the question on my mind.
“ Where’s Judah?” I asked and suddenly the room fell silent. Awkward. They kept eyeing each other.
“ He um, went to summer camp.” Denise finally said. “ He’ll be back in august.” Another long pause. “ OK, um who wants cake?”
~ ~ ~
********************** Comment!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
post652841.html#p652841 = intro
post652869.html#p652869 =ch 1
post654200.html#p654200 = ch 2 p1
post654804.html#p654804 = ch2 p2
post655535.html#p655535 = ch 2 p3
post656605.html#p656605 = ch 3 p1
post658132.html#p658132 = ch 3 p2
post659320.html#p659320 = ch 4 p1
post660304.html#p660304 = ch 4 p2
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Canary word: Present
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Oh no, not another story I've got to keep reading!!! Haha, not that that's so much a bad thing. It was a good beginning, and the ending of it made me want to keep reading!!! I don't like romances typically, but I might have to keep reading this one.
I noticed a few grammar things, such as--
Since=sense? There were other things similiar to this also I think. Another thing would be just adding more description (which also helps to make it longer). You're speaking in first-person, so tell us...what's on her mind? What does such-and-such make her think? What does she think about her gifts (reactions can be false,are hers? Her thoughts can help reveal the truth in what she's saying!)Overall though, sounds like an interesting storyline and I want to read more.
Hey! Vanilla here. I really like your story. I really want to read more.
There were a few grammar errors. I noticed that you were using the wrong forms of some words, but not to worry. A lot of people make the same mistake. Just remember that to (this form) is a preposition (ex: to the mall) or an infinitive (ex: to run). Too is the form that means an excess (ex: too many, too much) or also (ex: I want to go too). And obviously two is the number form. Lol.
Another one is the forms of there. There is a location (ex: she is there). Their is possessive (ex: their car, their dog). They're is the contraction for they are. Oh, and don't forget to capitalize words such as I'm, or I. Other than that, it was a great story, and I hope to see another part out soon. Keep up the good work! 
#FF4040 ">I like ur story alot . It intrigs me and makes me want to read more . Like other people said some grammer errors . but u can always edit . I have the same problem i suck at grammer and puncuation. I forget when i'm writing. But i like ur story a lot.
here is the next chapter! post654200.html#p654200
Okay I love it, and by the way your really good at making your characters speak with dialogue and all that. Something you need to work on a bit though is making sure you give your character more feelings. Like I don't really know how May Bell felt about getting all her gifts. That's the main thing you have to work on, but keep up the amazing story. Can't wait for more. And here's my link to a beginning of a story I'm writing I'm trying to get more people to read it and review could you please read it, it would be a huge help!
topic57917.html
Hi PenNPaper here to review.
You meant groaned, right?
Spelling, please. 'Oh', not just the letter.
'You're good'
Remember your tenses. 'asked'.
Well overall this story was good, most of it was either grammatical or punctuation errors. Hope to see your next chapter out. Bye for now!