Ruts, deep and harsh, caused by a morose storm
Mar the pristine surface
Of the milky earth, so solid warm.
Treating lifelong home as temporary dorm,
Unsure of what to do with crimson surplus.
Despair comes in a swarm.
Is this now the norm?
The desecration of a sacred place,
Denying earth its proper form.
Fealty is sworn
To the ever-growing, miserable mass
Of pain, of blame, forevermore.
In desperation, a plan is born,
The end a horrible abyss,
With life practically forsworn.
Believing none would mourn,
Weeping gashes causing agonizing bliss.
Despair comes in a swarm
Of pain, of bliss, forevermore.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I like it a lot. The thing is that there is no rhythm. Like songs, poems should have a rhythm. I do have a favorite stanza though.
"Believing none would mourn,
Weeping gashes causing agonizing bliss
Despair comes in a swarm
Of pain of bliss, forevermore"
It is very poetic. It is a very lovable part and even more so if it didn't sound like the person was dying. Power to you. Work on the rhythm and keep writing!
~lost
I do like it a lot. I do, however, feel that it is stocky. The diction is beautiful, but when I read it I can't find a rhythm.
"The end a horrible abyss,
With life practically forsworn.
Believing none would mourn,
Weeping gashes causing agonizing bliss.
Despair comes in a swarm
Of pain, of bliss, forevermore."
I do really love this part a lot. I also love the message and idea you convey from your poem. It is very powerful and wonderful. Just work on flow and rhythm.
Keep writing!