is the truth really a truth or is it a covered up lie.Every one around you is smirking and you dont know why.The world is laughing andspitting all over you beacuse you are different. You keep it all inside, Untill you explode and every one sees your true colors.While the kids are crying and saying sorry it is too late you already have the gun and it is too late you already have the gun.The screaming of the kids that thought it was so funny now falling to the floor.The pleas and the bribes are not going to work now he has had enough and thats all that matters.one says im your friend another says i didn't mean it but it was too late to stop.the bullet flies and everyone holds their breath and one by one the one next to you falls down and you are greatfull it was not you.if you moved he would put one right between your eyes ir you screamed he would blow off your knee they didn't understand they brought it on them selves.But then he remembered his 10th birthday he got a golden watch but a couple days later got beaten up for it and the one who beat him up was now standing in front of him.But all he did was tell the kid to tell his mother he was sorry and shot himself.The kid told the kids mother and she was heart broken.a few days late the cops found the mother dead on the bed they buried them under a willow and the angels sang a whisky lulaby.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Well that was dark.I think it’s about someone who just can’t take the bullying anymore and just snaps.It’s too late to apologize now.The gun is already pointed and filled.The hate is already there.The desire to kill is there.To rid of those liars it’s all there.All of it.I hope you have a good day/night!
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy...well that is certainly a full on story there despite the whole thing being just the one paragraph, I was not expecting to see that, but because of that there is the one thing you need to worry about before everything else and that's actually separating this up into a couple of paragraphs. As it currently stands, its not too bad, there's a decent sense of the flow here but there's also some very clear moments where entire scenes change and you can't be having that without a proper break in a paragraph.
Moving past that issue, I think you have a very powerful framework in place for this story here. As almost a plot summary this works really well, but I find that for the sort of emotions you're trying to create and the kind of story you're trying to tell, this is incredibly short here and that's just not quite sufficient in terms of actually selling it to us as readers. I think you need to slow things down a show a lot more than what we have here for it to really have a proper effect here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I like this story, is has a lot of feeling in it. There are things you could do to make it better however. One is check over your grammer, captal letters, fullstops, commas and the like. Another thing is that you could make it longer. You might not want to do this, I don't know, it's up to you.
You need to use a capital at the beginning, also, that should end with a question mark because it's a question. Maybe put a comma after "truth really a truth" too, but that might be optional.
"Every one" should be one word, "Everyone". Also, don't needs an apostrophe. Good sentence though.
"Until" has only one "l", also it doesn't need a capital.
There's more little grammatical errors like those throughout the whole piece.
You could divide this into a few, shorter sentences to make it more dynamic.
eg. While the kids are crying and saying sorry, it is too late. You already have the gun. ... and the rest of that seems to be a repeat, I'm not sure if it's meant ot be that way or not.
Hmmm ... actually that first bit sounds a touch off, doesn't it? Maybe if you went The kids are crying and saying sorry, but it is too late. Hmmm ... well, up to you.
That doesn't really make sense, but I can see what you're trying to say. Read through that and fix it up.
This is a little confusing because you're changing how you reffer to everyone. In the beginning, the kid with the gun is refered to as "you" ... but then it changes so that "you" are the kids getting shot, and the kid with the gun becomes "he".
Now the tense has changed too. It the beginning you were telling the story in persent tense with "is" or "flies", now it's in past tense with "she was" and "burried". you need to be consistant. Also, this bit seems to go to quickly. Pace yourself a bit more. If the kid with the gun is talking, instead of saying "all he did was tell the kid to tell his mother" (which is also rather confusing) put the dialogue in quotation marks like:
He turned to the bully.
"Tell my mum that I'm sorry." etc...
See? Less confusing. You might want to try that.
But overall, it's good story. It made my heart feel sad.
You're sad and depressing...
About your story.... yeah, it's still good, and I know you can add a lot more now. I'm bored. I'm out.
It sad and depressing but so are alot things eg Ann Franks diary
Good job. The main things that I saw in the error subject is that you didn't capitalize the first word.
The screaming of the kids that thought it was so funny now falling to the floor.The pleas and the bribes are not going to work now he has had enough and thats all that matters.one says im your friend another says i didn't mean it but it was too late to stop.
This should be a new paragraph and the next sentence needs to be capitalized.
It's way eaiser to read when it's typed up. Yes, I have nothing to say. Although they are right about the paragraph thing and the I thing. Then again I'm the worlds worst speller, so what do I know?
Yeah, definitely expand it and you'll have a really interesting piece.
Great ideas. But there are a few things you could do to make it even better. Reformat it, maybe make it a little longer, with a three or four paragraphs. Revise it just a little and tell it in first-person.
Good work.
Good although you need aspace between a full stop and a new sentence
eg:He is playing. He is happy.
see the full space. hee!
Isn't lullaby spelt with two "l"s
And some of your "i"s need capatilizing.
I think it was great but watch out for those little things. They can make a differnce.
Sorry if I was too harsh
~Lollipop~