The main plot of this story has not started quite yet, so it's going to be a bit boring in the beginning. Maybe. Tell me what you think so far. Thanks.
By the way, you have to read the prologue for the story before you start reading this. You can find it here: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic60030.html
The Robyn Academy ~ Chapter one, part one
The nightmares
I hurried into the bathroom to look at my reflection in the mirror. Blue eyes stared back at me, framed by long reddish hair. Phew, I was the same old me again; even though my hair was more cluttered than ever. I breathed a sigh of relief before I grabbed the hairbrush lying on the bathroom counter near the porcelain sink.
As I began to wonder how I was supposed to get my curly hair fixed before school started, I got the feeling that my head was about to explode again. I thought I had been dreaming this.
It was difficult to get combed out all the knots of my hair when it felt like my head was about to blow up in the air any minute. Some of the knots didn’t go away completely by the time the smell hit me in the face.
The smell of my mom’s pancakes hit my nose and I closed my eyes to enjoy it. My mom’s pancakes are the best pancakes in the entire world. She doesn’t make them very often because she doesn’t have time in the morning. She’s a chef at a popular hotel in town, and sometimes she even has to go before I get up in the morning.
After getting dressed for school I walked down the narrow staircase to come to the first floor where the kitchen was. By then my headache had disappeared; replaced by hunger.
“You‘re not planning to wear those clothes to school, are you?” my dad asked as he examined me from behind the newspaper. “Don’t you know how cold it is outside?”
I looked down at the clothes I was wearing before I took a seat in the chair next to him. There wasn’t something wrong with my clothes, was it?
“Of course I know, dad,” I replied as I sprinkled some sugar at the pancake in front of me. “I’m planning to stay inside today,” I lied. I was a good liar, thanks to my friends.
My father gave me the look he always gave me when he wanted to know the whole story. I didn’t like that look.
I took another bite of my pancake while my mother took a seat in the chair next to mine. I could still feel my dad looking at me.
“Well, I have plans with Mary,” I said. That was true, but not the whole truth.
“I need you to pick up Nathaly and Jacob on your way home today,” my mum said before she took a bite of her own pancake. Nathaly and Jacob are my younger siblings. They’re twins and can be very annoying sometimes. Both of them reminds a little like me when I was younger.
“Why?” I asked. “I don‘t have time for that. Not today. Don‘t you know what day it is, mom?” At least I knew what day it was. It was the first day at school after the Christmas holiday; which meant that there was a huge party down by the lake after school. That’s why I was dressed the way I was.
“I don‘t care what day it is,” she said angrily. “All I care about is that you pick them up after school.” She gave me that look again. The look that meant I didn’t have another choice than do as she said.
I finished my pancake and went upstairs to put some makeup on. This day was more important than my birthday. If I didn’t look good I could say goodbye to my friends for good, even before arriving school. This was my chance; my last chance. When I first started at the school, I didn't understand why everyone made such a big deal out of it, but now I do, thanks to my lovely friends. They helped me find some clothes at the mall and gave them to me for Christmas, so I could wear them at this day.
I put on my coat and slung my bag over my right shoulder on my way out the door as I shouted goodbye to my parents. I closed the white front door behind me.
It was freezing cold outside which reminded me of my dream. I closed my eyes only a second too late. The skinny girl stood in front of me, staring with the same red eyes as she had had in the dream, and her long blond hair waved in the wind. Why wouldn’t she go away? What did she want? All the other dreams I’ve ever had I can’t even remember. This girl freaked me out.
On my way to school I passed the kindergarten where Nathaly and Jacob were during the day, and I wondered what they were doing at the moment. They got picked up early in the morning by one of mom’s friends. She drove this way to her job every day so she made a deal with mom.
Mary greeted me with a hug when I arrived at school. “Wow,” she said, studying me from head to toe. “You look stunning!” She gave me another hug before she brushed her hair behind her ears. Her hair was black and reached her shoulders, and I knew she hated to get it in her eyes.
“How was your Christmas?” I asked as we started to walk toward the huge building. The school building was huge; too big for me to not get lost during the breaks. It had too many windows and not many doors.
My holiday had been absolutely boring. All I did was sit at home watching lame TV programs and listen to ugly Christmas songs at the radio.
As we walked pass some benches that were covered with white snow Mary started telling about her holiday.
“My Christmas was great!” she said loudly. “You remember my cousin Tyrone, right?” She looked at me with raised eyebrows. I nodded. I met him last summer. I don’t think he liked me, though, because all we did was arguing about his borrowed car. I remember him very well for another reason too; he was handsome.
“He came to visit us with his family and when they were leaving, he kissed me!” She looked at me dreamily. She was crazy. He’s her cousin for God’s sake. Cousins don’t kiss each other; especially not when the other one’s family is staying in the other’s house.
We were two meters away from the entrance doors when Mary was in the middle of a new sentence about her cousin when she was interrupted by another one who spoke.
“Are you coming to the lake later, ladies?” Someone asked, putting an arm around my shoulder and one around my friend’s. I knew that voice a little too well…
Hi there. You have definitely made a progress sine the prologue. Okay, you named it Nightmares but there was nothing to do with it. The stoy is going fine.Here are some nit-picks I found:
After getting dressed for school#FF0000 ">, I walked down the narrow staircase to come #0000FF ">reach(looks better) to the first floor where the kitchen was.
All the other dreams I’ve ever had I can’t even remember.
peanutgallery007 wrote:*Review*
=D Nice work!
~Peanut
Hola! Peanut, here to review ^^
I’m not going to be reading the other reviews until I complete my own, so if I repeat something they already said then you have a reinforcement of opinion, meaning you probably need to change that part. Also, I noticed this has [edited] in the name, so hopefully I won’t be able to find much wrong with it 
So since in the beginning you said we had to read the prologue to understand this chapter, I went back and read that, and it was good except for the switching of tenses in a few instances and some minors grammatical errors. I also noticed that your paragraphs are peculiarly short, not that there’s anything wrong with that, but I found it odd looking at paragraphs that were sometimes only one sentence. I found that most of your paragraphs could be combined to make larger paragraphs. I looked into the matter a little more extensively and found this. Just in case you wanted to check it out. ^_^
Anyway, on with the review! =D
It was difficult to get combed out all the knots of my hair when it felt like my head was about to blow up in the air any minute. Some of the knots didn’t go away completely by the time the smell hit me in the face.
The smell of my mom’s pancakes hit my nose and I closed my eyes to enjoy it. My mom’s pancakes are the best pancakes in the entire world. She doesn’t make them very often because she doesn’t have time in the morning. She’s a chef at a popular hotel in town, and sometimes she even has to go before I get up in the morning.
There wasn’t something wrong with my clothes, was it?
“I need you to pick up Nathaly and Jacob on your way home today,” my mum said before she took a bite of her own pancake. Nathaly and Jacob are my younger siblings. They’re twins and can be very annoying sometimes. Both of them reminds a little like me when I was younger.
They helped me find some clothes at the mall and gave them to me for Christmas so I could wear themat this day#FF0000 ">today.
She drove this way to her job every day so she made a deal with mom.
I asked as we started to walk toward the huge building. The school building was huge; too big for me to not get lost during the breaks. It had too many windows and not many doors.
All I did was sit at home watching lame TV programs and listen#FF0000 ">ing to ugly Christmas songs at the radio.
As we walkedpass#FF0000 ">past some benches that were covered with white snow Mary started telling about her holiday.
I don’t think he liked me, though, because all we did wasarguing#FF0000 ">argue about his borrowed car.
We were two meters away from the entrance doors when Mary was in the middle of a new sentence about her cousin when she was interrupted by another one who spoke.
Your characters could use a little more development though. Don't hesitate to go through some development exercises with them to get them more dynamic and unique, because right now they seem flat. But yes, you've got a nice foundation for a story, anything can happen. Here as requested! =D
Well, I'm a sucker for nitpicks, but anyway. Let's look at the story. I read the prologue before this, so I'll probably do a double-review, or something.
Teh Semicolon
First thing's first - semicolons. You're putting them in what seems like completely randomly. And it's worthy of a mention; semicolons should be used to link two complete clauses together, clauses that are linked. For instance, this is bad:
"By then my headache had disappeared; replaced by hunger." (should be a comma)
Whereas this is good:
"I remember him very well for another reason too; he was handsome."
Teh Dream
You don't need massive amounts of conflict at the start of a story, despite what people tell you. What you do need, however, is some sort of disruption of normality - so, in a way, conflict, but nothing that needs to jump out and say, "Hey! Look at me! I'm trying to drag you into my story!"
What I'm referring to is the dream. Having read it, I was getting the impression that I described above - it's intriguing, and it does draw the reader in because it provides a valuable insight to a character and small amount of story foreshadowing. But then it feels like you abandoned it; the dream was too short for me to care about and the transition was just flat. Why does this dream matter? You said about a girl in the window - I'd deuced it was a mirror before you said it, so I was wondering why the main character was so surprised.
Why, I ask, would the situation be odd to the main character? It's a great opportunity to feed in character descriptions - was the hair the wrong colour? Or did she just look different? If the answer to these questions is that she was just dreaming and forgot what she looked like, then what was the point of the opening? Was there any?
If you ask me, it just comes down to expanding the dream. Make use of the vibrant imagery that comes with dreaming, and with nightmares. The fear, the worry, the panic when something's wrong. The real feeling of confusion, or, for that matter, normality of things that don't really make sense.
All in all, I'd like to see how this develops. Feel free to PM me when you post the second chapter up! Then I can start commenting on character development on whatnot.
Hope I helped,
Blinky
Nephthys wrote:bubblegum wrote:*Review*
bubblegum wrote:I hurried into the bathroom and looked at my reflection in the mirror. Phew, I was the same old me again. My long reddish hair was a mess, and I wondered how I was suppose to get it normal before school started.
bubblegum wrote:I grabbed my hairbrush and combed my hair in a rush until it was #FF0000 ">it normal self. #0000FF ">back to normal It didn’t take long, though, because I had kind of curly hair and it reached down to my lower back.
bubblegum wrote:because she #FF0000 ">don’t #0000FF ">doesn't have time in the morning
bubblegum wrote:After getting dressed for school I went down to eat breakfast. On my way down the stairs I found out that it still felt like my head was going to explode. That made me more dizzy.
bubblegum wrote:“You‘re not planning to wear those clothes #FF0000 ">at#0000FF ">to school
bubblegum wrote:“Why?” I asked. “I don‘t have time for that. Not today. Don‘t you know #FF0000 ">which#0000FF ">what day it is
bubblegum wrote:Ever since I started at this school I didn’t understand the meaning of this day, but now I did.
bubblegum wrote:I put on my coat and #FF0000 ">slang #0040FF ">slung my bag over my shoulder
bubblegum wrote:It was freezing cold outside #FF0000 ">and that #0000FF "> which reminded me of #FF0000 ">that #0000FF ">my dream #FF0000 ">again.
bubblegum wrote:#FF0000 ">Along#0000FF ">On the way to school
bubblegum wrote:I wondered what they #FF0000 ">did#0000FF ">were doing at #FF0000 ">this#0000FF ">the moment
bubblegum wrote:Mary greeted me #FF0000 ">in #0000FF ">with a hug when I arrived at school.
bubblegum wrote:she took away a lock of hair from her face and put it behind her left ear.
bubblegum wrote:All I did was sit#FF0000 ">ting at home watching lame TV programs.
bubblegum wrote:“H#FF0000 ">e and his family came to visit us #0000FF ">He came to visit with his family and #FF0000 ">it turned out that #0000FF ">and when they were leaving, he kissed me goodbye!”
bubblegum wrote:#FF0000 ">He is one year older than us but no one seems to care about the age different anymore.
bubblegum wrote:She was in the middle of a sentence when she was interrupted. I could feel an arm around my shoulder by that moment someone else spoke.
bubblegum wrote:“Are you coming to the lake later, ladies?” #FF0000 ">This someone asked. I knew that voice a little too well…
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