Young Writers Society

Well, this is the first time I submit a story. A prologue. It is not that long, though, but does it really matter? I'm also not very good with prologues, and that's because I don't tend to write them. Now I've tried and I want to know what you think about it. I have not started to write the story, because I don't know if I'm going to write it yet. If it turns out that people want to read the rest after reading this prologue, that would be just great.
I hope you will review this prologue and help me to improve myself.



[new] ~ [final]


The Robyn Academy ~ The prologue

The first nightmare


I bent down over a ceramic sink in a bathroom I’ve never been into. How did I end up here? The last thing I could remember was that I lay on the bed; reading a book called Alice in Wonderland.

I took a look around. The bathroom was small; too small for my taste. The walls were black and the dim light hardly made the room any brighter. The floor was covered with dust and dirt and could have had use for a wash. Spider’s webs hung in the corners and black spiders climbed the ceiling. Those spiders really annoyed me. I couldn’t press myself up against the wall to get out of their way either. Don’t get me wrong. I like spiders; you know the ones you keep in bed when you’re asleep. They are cute, but these ones? No way.

I found out that my hands were resting on each side of the sink. The sink was ice cold, and suddenly it felt like my head was about to explode. I had to pinch my eyes again. Where did all this pain come from anyway? I couldn’t remember having any sort of pain while reading. Not even a little bit.

After several minutes in pain I looked up. There was a pale girl looking back at me. Her eyes were red and it looked like she had been crying. Her long blonde hair was a big mess and it was all dirty; just like the rest of her skinny upper body. I wondered where all that dirt came from? It had to come from outside, though; a garden or a forest maybe?

I lifted my right hand up to touch her, and she lifted her left at the same time. I began to be suspicious. There was something strange with this girl and when our hands met I came to the conclusion that I was correct. Her fingertips were too cold and I had to pull my own hand back.

When I looked closer at her I could see that she didn’t wear more clothes than a dirty night gown. Everything outside were covered in white snow; it was winter.

I stared at the girl’s red eyes for a long time, and every single moment she stared back at me with the same expression on her face. She started to freak me out.

When I realized why, I opened my mouth to scream, but there was no sound coming out. The girl did the same thing. I could rather not hear any sound coming out of her mouth.

The thing was that I was looking in a mirror. The girl I saw in front of me was just a reflection; a reflection of myself. The skinny girl with the long blond hair was now me. Me. I couldn’t believe it. I wouldn’t believe it, either. I stared in the mirror while I tried to figure out how this had happened.

“Gwen!” I heard someone shout from a place that seemed miles away before everything suddenly turned black. Before I knew it, I looked at the ceiling of my own bedroom…

bubblegum wrote:Well, this is the first time I submit a story. A prologue. It is not that long, though, but does it really matter? I'm also not very good with prologues, and that's because I don't tend to write them. Now I've tried and I want to know what you think about it. By the way, Cleona is not the main character in the story itself, but she has a bi-role. And I have not started to write the story, because I know if I'm going to write it yet. If it turns out that people want to read the rest after reading this prologue, that would be great.
I hope you will review this prologue and help me to improve myself.


Cleona turned around quickly when she heard voices coming from a room in the hallway. She walked with light steps, trying to make as little sound as possible.

When she reached the door she tried to see through the narrow doorway. Doorway? Maybe window would work better Two figures were standing by the fireplace talking with low voices, I don't think the comma gives enough of a pause. Try this ... or this ; or so they thought.

“I told you no later than yesterday, Gordon, that I don’t have a clue,” one of them reported to the other. “But when I know something, you will be the first to know.”

“William, how many times do I have to tell you this?” A new voice said, obviously irritated. “If you don’t find her location within the week is over Take out the 'is over' I don’t think Adrian will be very pleased.”

Cleona wondered who they were looking for, and tried to come up with an answer.

When the two figures, obviously men, started moving toward the door she stood behind the 'stood behind' could be taken out, but it doesn't really matter , she panicked and ran as fast as she could toward the nearest door and tried to open it. It was locked. She tried the next one, but before she was out of sight someone grabbed her night gown. In this sentence you forgot to mention that the door was unlocked and she was able to get through This someone pushed her against the wall, while a new I'd use 'another' instead of 'new,' but that's just me figure approached.

“What is this pretty lady up to at this part of the night?” The one who hold held not hold her against the wall said in a tone that he thought was seductive. ”Shouldn’t you have been asleep?” the other one asked before she could reply. You should probably start a new paragraph here since someone else is talking

“What I do at night is none of your business,” she hissed. “Now, will you please let me go back to my room so I can get some sleep?” She was getting annoyed. It wasn’t her fault that she had overheard them. They shouldn’t have conversations like that in the middle of the night, she realized. Is she supposed to be thinking this? If not then you should leave out the 'she realized'

The one who pushed her against the wall pushed a little harder. She could feel pain go through her twist he was holding, too. Maybe it's just me, but this sentence doesn't make sense, maybe it's a typo?

“Listen, silly girl,” he threatened. “I don’t know what you heard, but if you tell as much a soul about what you’ve heard or seen tonight, you will regret.”

“Seriously, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she lied, faking a smile.

“I think you know exactly what I’m talking about,” he said harshly before he let go of her.

Over all I really liked it. You should definitely continue the story. I'm curious to see who the main character is.

Dragonet wrote:*Review*

Over all I really liked it. You should definitely continue the story. I'm curious to see who the main character is.

Thank you. Well, I see now that I've written a couple of words wrong. But don't blame me.. Blame the translation. xD This 'twist' is supposed to be 'wrist'. But the others. I don't know. ^^ And I think I'll start on the story tomorrow. After I've done my homework.

I really like this Prolouge. It is a great story and I can't wait to see what is going to happen.

bubblegum wrote:Cleona turned around quickly when she heard voices coming from a room in the hallway.

Not a a great opening line. It's not particularly smooth or interesting.

callmelola wrote:She walked with light steps, trying to make as little sound as possible.

I think its generally understood that if you walk with light steps you try to make as little sound as possible. Pick one or the other.

callmelola wrote: Two figures were standing by the fireplace talking with low voices, or so they thought.

How about: "There were two figures standing by the fireplace, talking with what they thought were low voices."

callmelola wrote:Cleona wondered who they were looking for, and tried to come up with an answer.

Again, you're saying the same thing twice.

callmelola wrote:When the two figures, obviously men,

Just say "when the two men". The reader will have already drawn the conclusion that they're men, and pointing it out just takes the reader out of the story.


I'm not really a huge fan of the name Cleona. I also think that you should add more information about setting. Where is Cleona? Does she live in our world? Etc.

I hope this is helpful

i definitely want to read this book [; *like*

Thank you, guys. This is really helpful. Before I start writing on the story, maybe I should rewrite this prologue first? And then submit it.. : )

Hey there, Bubblegum! I'm here to review like you asked!

Okay...for a prologue, I think this needs some work. The whole idea behind the prologue is to hook the reader from the start and make them want to read more. It didn't have that effect on me. I would suggest revising it again and really looking at what could make it exciting.

That being said, however, I think you're doing great! Your punctuation and wording is nice and neat, which is always a relief to see.

Hmm...Sorry this is so short, but I can't seem to find anything else to say about this right now. If you have any questions or would like another review, please don't hesitate to ask! Also, tell me if you post more or revise this; I would love to watch your progress!

-Knightley

Mr.Knightley wrote:*Review*

-Knightley

Thank you. Then I'll try to make this prologue a little more exciting and when I'm finished I'll let you know. : )

Hi Bubble!

So one thing that stood out for me in this prologue was the amount of telling you did. Instead of showing the reader how a character makes their way to the kitchen, for example, you just say: "She went to the kitchen." Sure, the reader gets a basic idea about the events when you do it like this, but there's not much room for anything else. You should, I don't know, describe how her hair gets to her eyes because of the fan next to the kitchen door or something. Haha, I'm not very good at coming up with examples of "show, don't tell", but this article might give you an idea about it.

Cleona stared up in the ceiling. She couldn’t sleep so she went up and decided to go for a walk.



After she heard her stomach rumble, she decided to go down to the kitchen and find something to eat.

Notice the repetition and try to get rid of it. Also, I agree about that your opening line isn't the most interesting ever and I don't think it would make me continue reading if this was a book I had just picked up. Good opening lines are really hard to come up with, though!

There were two figures standing by the fireplace, talking with what they thought were low voices.

I don't think the bolded part works in this case, since the story seems to be from Cleona's point of view. If it was from the two figures' point of view, then you wouldn't need to edit. But something as small a change as "what they probably thought were low voices" makes the necessary difference.

“I told you no later than yesterday, Gordon, that I don’t have a clue,” one of them reported to the other.

1) If there are only two people there, the speaker doesn't have to address the other person by his name. No one really does that.
2) The same thing applies to the speech tag. We already know it's just the two of them, so the long speech tag is unneeded, because you could just have "the other one said."

“What is this pretty lady up to at this part of the night?” The one who hold her against the wall said in a tone that he thought was seductive.

This falls into the same category with the second to last quote.


So, I'm under the impression that you wrote this originally in Norwegian and then translated it to English? That is awesome and something I strongly relate to. However, it does pose problems -- things that are idiomatic in Norwegian, or Finnish, necessarily aren't that in English. That makes the translation often stiff and strange, and not as smooth as it would be if it was written originally in English. So I would suggest going through this very carefully, trying to forget that it's a translation. Try to read it as if it wasn't a translation by you, but an originally English text by someone else. This sort of a role taking will probably help you notice better the mistakes and the parts that sound odd. You're very brave for trying to translate, though, because it's not usually as easy as it seems.

Good luck with the story and just tell me if you need any help!


Demeter
x

Demeter wrote:*Review*

Good luck with the story and just tell me if you need any help!


Demeter
x

Thanks, Dem. Well, I did write this in Norwegian at first. But I wanted to submit a 'story' here, so I translated it into English. I think I'll try to write the whole thing from the beginning in English.

I'll send you a pm if I need some help. : )

bubblegum wrote:I bent down over a sink in a bathroom I’ve never been into.

I like this opening line Good start!

bubblegum wrote:the dim light didn’t seem to make the room brighter.

I feel like this could use some re-phrasing. Maybe;
"The dim light hardly made the room any brighter."

bubblegum wrote:Why would anyone want to place a window in a bathroom?

This seems a little odd to me, because there are windows in both of my bathrooms...

bubblegum wrote:“Gwen!” I heard someone shout from a place that seemed miles away before everything suddenly turned black. Before I knew it, I looked at the ceiling of my own bedroom…

Try rephrasing it to something like: "Gwen!" I heard someone shout from what sounded like miles away. Everything suddenly turned black. Before I knew it, I was looking up at the ceiling of my own bedroom.

Maybe a little more description of the bathroom would be nice.
Ex: Is the sink wet? Has it been used recently? Is it ceramic or metal?

Maybe Gwen leans her head against the faucet, and it's cold and there's still a few drops of water clinging to it. You don't need to describe every single object in the bathroom, but adding a few details might make the scene a little more real for the reader.

Overall I like this prologue quite a bit. I think it is much better than the original. Yay!

Nephthys wrote:*Review*

Overall I like this prologue quite a bit. I think it is much better than the original. Yay!

Thanks again. I like this better, too.
I'll try to ad more description. Now. xD

Hey, I'm KitxKat, or Kat, as I'm trying to be known as, and I'm here to review your works.
I feel like it went a tiny bit too fast for my taste. Instead of telling the reader, SHOW the reader, Use the senses.
I find the interesting-like a true prologue should be. I like the cliff hanger.
But I feel like there should be more dialogue.
Good job!

KitxKat wrote:*Review*

Good job!

Thanks. Well, this is just the prologue. The dialogue won't come until the first chapter. xD