Published March 31, 2010
Please, read the first part before reading this part. You can find chapter one, part one here: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?t=60962
The Orphanage;
living among enemies
The Reason
Chapter one, part two
“Mom,” I said on my way downstairs again. “I can’t find my bag.” She looked at me, puzzled. I didn’t want to tell her that Robyn had taken it. I knew it was her. She liked to do that kind of stuff, hid it away when I needed it the most. This wasn’t the first time. I didn’t like to tell my mom that I blamed Robyn, because she didn’t like that. She knew how Robyn usually behaved, and how she acted if she didn’t get what she wanted.
“Goodbye!” I heard Robyn shouted two seconds before she slammed the door again after her. I wanted that girl to stay the hell out of my life. She could move to Africa or Australia, I couldn’t care less.
“What are you looking for?” Sam asked from the living room. He watched the news at the television again. I couldn’t understand why he wanted to watch the news over and over.
“Michelle can’t find her bag and now she’s late for school,” my mum said while she walked from the kitchen and into the living room. I heard they kiss and I wanted to get out of there. I was glad they loved each other, but I was late for school. School was way more important than seeing them kiss. Not that I liked school, but I didn’t want to waste my opportunity to get a job in the future.
“I think I saw it under some jackets in the hall yesterday,” Sam said before I heard him kiss my mom again.
I hurried into the hall to see if it was true. I lifted up some of the jackets lying on the floor and there it was. He was right and that surprised me for a second. Sometimes it didn’t seem like he wanted to help me at all. I guess I was wrong about that part.
I grabbed my bag and slung it over my shoulder. “Thanks!” I shouted to Sam on my way out. I was so late for school. I continued whisper curses about Robyn while I ran all the way to school. The school wasn’t that far away from our house; not more than twenty minutes walking.
It took me ten minutes to run to school and by then I was already five minutes late. I hated it. It was embarrassing to be late; especially when you always arrive in time.
I was so breathless and tired after the running that I had to lean on a lamppost near the entrance doors until I regain my breath. I had never thought that I would make it to the school without stopping. I was proud of myself.
When I finally got my breath back I went in to find the classroom I was supposed to be in for ten minutes ago. Mondays always started with Math. The classroom where we had math was on the ground floor; not far from the canteen, actually.
I took a deep breath before I knocked on the door three times. I heard a fainted ‘come in’ and entered the room. This couldn’t be good. After having closed the door behind me I looked up at our math teacher, Mr. Johnson.
“Michelle,” he said. He looked a bit surprised, but that was probably just because I didn’t usually come late for class; especially not his classes. “I’m glad you showed up. I began to wonder if you were sick or something, but I guess not.” He gave me a little smile; one of those he usually gave me when I had done something good. I was one of the best in class, if not the best.
“Yeah, I couldn’t find my bag at home, so it took me some extra time looking for it,” I explained to him. He was a nice guy; a good looking one too, he would understand.
“Well, as I said, I’m glad you showed up. Now find a seat, will you?” He smiled one last time before he turned to the others. I couldn’t help but smile to myself.
I took a seat on the desk on the second row, because I couldn’t find anyone else available. Usually I sat in the front row. I liked math almost as much as I liked the teacher who was teaching it.
You can read the next part here: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/post683377.html#p683377
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138,304 Literary Works • 672,100 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well, okay, now that I have actually read the full chapter, I can see, this is a pretty nice first chapter, I'd say its got the essentials of a first chapter covered fairly well...aand it seems like it could be a pretty interesting story here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well...this is bound to get interesting...now I'm getting a good feeling why this chapter has the title that it currently does...and well, this has so far been a very exciting to start to a chapter right here.
Okay...once again, very nice and normal scene, that has its flow a bit interrupted by an action out of the blue...like I understand the kissing part, that's normal, but the amount of attention called to it seems a bit unnecessary.
Well, that was quite a surprise...I wasn't expected that one...and from the sound of things, it looks like Michelle here wasn't expecting that particular response either..soo...well some very intriguing details coming to light right there.
Well...that is certainly an understandable situation right there...also I love how this manages to also let us know a bit more about the layout of things in the story...aaand a bit more about the character that is Michelle here.
OKay...some more nice details, I am liking the way we're having all of this introduced to us so far, you've managed to find a great balance there with telling the audience exactly what they need to hear without overloading too much information.
Hmm...well that seems like a very typical interaction there between a student that's usually quite well behaved and punctual in class getting unusually late, that certainly tells you quite a bit about Michelle and this teacher here.
Well...that one quite well for her, although I assume maybe the reception from here classmates was what she was more worried about as compared to the teacher who seems like a pretty reasonable person there.
Well..that is an unavoidable consequence of being late sadly..well, a good point to end on there...not exactly a cliffhanger, but it does its job well.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, we have ourselves a pretty solid start right here...and I think this is a story that I potentially would have followed right here, it certainly has some pretty intriguing elements here judging from this first chapter.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Well, thanks a lot for the reviews, guys. I appreciate it. It's fun to read them too. I am curious to what others think of my story.
I'll pm you, midnightread! ^^
The reason why I post the story in parts and not in whole chapters is because I think it's easier. I'm not even finished writing the first chapter yet, so that will probably be the best. I don't know what you guys think, but I don't like to read and review a too long submit, if you know what I mean? I think it's easier to review something someone have written if the part's not too long to read. But as I said, I don't know what you think. xD
Well, this teacher is nice, the others are not that nice. Haha. But well, they are not that bad, though. Maybe some of them. I don't know yet..
Again, thanks for reviewing!
hey! see, i read the whole chapters and parts in one sitting, means you caught me right where you want your readers be, and i'm staying! mainly because you poured emotions quite clearly and precisely at your characters, and that makes it not boring. i'll keep reading. in this type of story, it's too early to throw critiques when the author don't leave any room for errors.
it can get really confusing! sometimes... maybe because you're putting it as short as you can? idk, everytime i look up at it, it just kind of makes the story longer than it's suppose to...
well... if there's one thing i find bothersome is the "chapters" and "parts" of it...
but! keep posting!
Hi bubblegum
I like this part of the story a lot.
I saw a few mistakes but they were minor ones so I would advise a re-read of your work so you can change the things that need changing.
I like the way that Sam helps your mc even though the mc thinks that is out of character, I also like the way that Robyn is a bit of a pain which makes the story more realistic and it is easier for the reader to connect to the mc.
Can you pm me when you post more?
midnightread
Thanks for reviewing, kind of ^^ Actually, she never lost it. But shh, it'll come later in the story. The next part, I think. xD
Hmm..everything is perfect so far, however you left me hanging. Did Robyn found her perfume yet or is that going to happen later?