Will I ever see the Light? Preface

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

When I look out my bedroom window, I see the children playing around, and jumping in the leaves. Why am I so sad, and I have everything I ever wanted. When I looked in the mirror, I see a girl who has pale brown hair that goes to her shoulder, hideously contrasting with caramel skin, ugly shreds of hair, and ugly shade of hazel eyes. Mom always tell me I'm a beautiful princess but I think she say that to make me feel better. If I have one wish I would wish for is a true friend who I can talked to and that the person will listen. The only person who was like a good friend was my mother but she walked out on us 5 years ago. I still don't know why and wondered today "Why did she leave us." My dad doesn't even sit down and talk to me no more. If I tell my dad the truth he will not listen to me, and I'm his daughter. Some times I want to do is roll over and die because if I go today or tomorrow; nobody will never know or care. I'm 10 years old and I cut myself everyday to stopped the pain and my dad doesn't even notice. What do I have to do to get his attention? Will somebody help me out please I need help. I wish God can bring me a person who will help me out because I need it. Will I ever find the light back to my life or back into my daddy's heart?

Just writing this stuff in my journal, bring tears to my eyes because people don't care about me. Well i have to go because I'm about to go to sleep. As I lay my head down on the pillow, tears are flowing like the mississippi river. I cry myself to sleep all the time when will this stop. I wipe my eyes and went to sleep in the dark room.

Hey! First of all, you have a few typos, so I'm going to edit through the story to show you my edited version.









When I look out my bedroom window, I see kids playing and running around in the fallen
orange, and yellow leaves. I wish I had some friends to play with, but I just have a big
house, big room, and my dolls I play with from time to time.

When I go look in the mirror at myself, I see a girl who has long, brown hair, hazel eyes, and brown skin. Everybody tells me I'm pretty, but I don't think so because pretty girls don't have any pain inside. My name is Aurora Johnson, and I'm a 8 years old.

The reason why I don't have any friends is because that everyone is afraid of
my dad and they said, "I have problems." They are right, I do have problems because when I was 5 years old, I was the happiest kid ever, but until my dad's friend, Ben, raped me. I will never be the same again. My mom was in my life and she was the only person that
knew he was raped me, and she tried to tell my dad but he wouldn't believe her.


While Aurora is continuing writing in her diary, somebody is coming up the stairs. Aurora dropped her pen and diary and ran to a hiding place where she hid from Ben. As she crawled in the hiding place, the door opened slowly. When the door was open fully, the man was her dad. Aurora looked just like her mom, but had her dad's smile. Her dad had caramel skin, long black hair, and hazel eyes, and perfect smile with those white teeth of his. Aurora's dad called her name but she didn't answer, and he called again. She crawled out of the hiding spot, and said, "Here I am father." Dad's face was puzzled, and he said to Aurora, "What are you still doing up, you're supposed to be asleep." Dad tuck Aurora into bed, and said "Goodnight sweetheart", and before Dad left, Aurora asked him, "Why did mom leave and?" He said, "Your mother just wanted to leave because she didn't want to be around." Then Dad walked out and closed the door. When he closed the door, I heard the music downstairs, and I knew
he were having a party. I closed my eyes, and turn on my T.V., watched some "That's So
Raven," and went to sleep. In the living room, Michael and his friends were watching a
football game. While they were watching a football game, a girl came in and looked about
she was in her twenties. She had long curly sandy brown black hair, hazel eyes, and
honey skins, and she was talking to Ben's girlfriend, Diana. Ben looked at ??? and said, "You put Aurora to sleep," and I replied back, "Yes I did." I asked Ben who is the girl with the curly hair's name and he said, "Tanya." Diana and Tanya walked towards us, and Diana said, "Meet my friend Tanya, Michael. She wanted to talk to you but didn't have the courage to walk to you. " Tanya waved to me, and I said "Hi Tanya." Diana and Ben left Michael and Tanya alone. Tanya said to ??? , "I see you was watching me, but I had to go over here to see." "Why was you looking so hard at me?" ??? replied back, "You are so cute, and i just can't turn my head."






It's switching the points of view. First it's third person, then it's first person, then it's a different person telling the story. I think you should choose which point of view you like the best, then put in that point of view. I put it in third person to make it simpler, and this, "???" means the person that was talking, but I didn't know who it was, so I just put it three question marks. OK, well that's all the correcting I have to do, but keep up the good work! I hope to see more of the story! The only problem I had was that the ending was a bit sudden, and it didn't make a good cliffhanger. But, that's it, and I really hope to see more of this!

Hello, Brybry dear. Before I begin the review, I just want to make one comment. In a novel, there are two kinds of Intros, Prefaces and Prologues. Introductions should be saved for experts and promotions and should not lie in the core novel. I skimmed this over a little bit, and I see that your introduction is in a fact a prologue, so, if you'll want to be correct, please re-title this section.
Sorry if I seem harsh, but there is a difference.

Now, onto the review.
I will also be making all grammatical edits in #008000 ">green..

brybry14 wrote:When I look out my bedroom window, I see kids playing, and running around in the fallen #008000 ">(fixed formatting error, as and should be on the same line as 'fallen')orange#008000 ">, and yellow leaves. I wish I had some friends to play with#008000 ">.
But I just have a big house, big room, and my dolls I play with from time to time.
#000000 ">^
Interesting premise here, but so far I think it needs a lot of work. The first couple sentences had mostly grammatical errors, but I do have a few other nitpicks.
First, you use the word 'big,' way to many times in the last sentence of this first paragraph. If you don't have a thesaurus at home, then head on over to this online thesaurus, a really nifty website where you can type in a word and get adjectives to add spice to your story.

#008000 ">Why am I so sad, when I have everything I could ever want?
^
I just re-wrote the whole sentence because it was leaking with improper grammar.

When I go look in the mirror at myself,
#000000 ">^
Hmm, this doesn't really flow that well. Maybe try, "When I look mirror," and then continue.

I see a girl who has brown long hair, hazel eyes, and brown skin.
#000000 ">^
This, honey, is an extremely generic description. The adjectives are flat, but I already told you what you could do to fix that. You're just listing this. As I can see from later on in the story, your MC thinks of herself as ugly. Try this, "lackluster, pale brown hair goes to my shoulders, hideously contrasting with dark skin and an ugly shade of hazel eyes."
However, I realized that this sentence and the following don't really make since together, so maybe you could give a different description of how a family member or friend sees her. For example, "Daddy doesn't think so. He says my hair has life and color, that my eyes are ones to die for."