Once upon a time there was a girl named Rap-unzel. She lived in an old apartment with nobody in it. She remembered a family. A mother who leaned over her smiling saying “You're amazing, nobody can drag you down.” The door then burst open and a man yelled, “Lindzey run!!” Someone grabbed her and there was lots of screaming and loud pops. As a child she was confused and started crying. She looked up to who grabbed her, and it was a man in black holding big gray metal object. Rapunzel felt calm with this young man and stopped crying. Soon the brisk air filled the child's drooly mouth. Even though she was very young she understood enough to know her parents were killed. Yet she soon forgot this memory.
She lived her life in a rather large apartment with no one. The apartment had 5 rooms. The room with the only door had a couch that was made of leather, a little birch desk and a desk lamp. The next room was the kitchen with it’s marble floors and counters along with a fridge and a cooking safe stove. Her favorite room was her bedroom, with it’s big black walls. She had her bed with silk white sheets and black soft pillows and bedding. Her room wasn’t all dark, she had a disco ball, bright colorful lights, band posters that the man had given her and many other treasures that she would keep forever. Next to Rapunzel's room was the bathroom that had every teenagers mandatory items such as a black hair dryer, lots of dark makeup to match her light skin, a black comb, shampoo and conditioner that smelled like oranges and her toothbrush and toothpaste. The last and the best room was next. She called that room her “Joy room”. That room was where all of her goodies appeared as well as stuff for Rapunzel's room. The Joy room held a writing desk with ABC books as well as counting books and chapter books.
Every week the fridge would restock with food and she would get all sorts of goodies. When she was younger it would be Barbie dolls and candy for her presents. But as she got older she got a laptop, a camera, and newspapers. That might seem boring for you, but it was a way for her to understand and see the world. Sometimes she would write notes for the secretive individual asking for objects and to learn more about the personage. Don’t say that she didn’t get curious about who would leave these wonderful gifts because she really did. She would try to stay up late at night to catch the baffling person, but the door to her room would close with a slam and lock. She wouldn’t stop there. She would try to sleep on the couch to catch this mysterious human, but he wouldn’t show.
You could imagine Rapunzel being very lonely but she wasn’t. There were still windows where she could see microscopic people walking on the streets along with the faint honking noises from cockroach size cars. With her laptop she discovered YouTube. With her various books she received, Rapunzel created a YouTube channel only showing herself in a dark oversized hoodie rapping. The only characteristic people knew about her was her long long blonde hair. Without anyone to cut it for her, and never learning how to cut her hair Rapunzel let it grow out until it couldn’t anymore.
Rap-unzel learned to rap by doing various tongue twisters when she was younger along with Youtube videos. She soon became viral. People started calling her the the next Eminem. Everyone was asking, “Who is Rap-unzel?”, “Where does she live?”, “What lead her to this life?”. No one knew Rap-unzel and no one knew anything about her. But soon, all of that would change.
Soon the mysterious human stopped leaving goodies and visiting less and less. He soon only came once a month. Rapunzel had to eat less and less so she could survive. With limited supplies she couldn’t rap with an empty stomach and a dry throat. Yes, the man cut off her water supplies too. The only thing that was still running smoothly was the wifi. Rapunzel decided to confess to her followers.
In a hoarse voice she started taping live and talking to her followers. “I know everyone wants to know who I am. Unfortunately I don’t even know. I live in an apartment all by myself ever since I could remember. I have never seen a human, I taught myself everything and I get my supplies and food from an unknown stranger. This stranger use to come once a week to bring supplies while I was sleeping. But he started coming less and less until he now only comes once a month. He cut off my water supplies, food and electricity and I now have to fend for myself. If anyone can help me please do.” Rapunzel took off her hood to show her face for the first time. And it was breathtaking. Her frightful bright blue eyes popped out most of all in the surrounding darkness. She had pale pink lips. Her blanched face showed obvious signs of not eating very well. And her beautiful blonde hair was greasy. Not having the strength, her makeup wasn’t done and there wasn’t any signs of it except for the black streaks across her face. Her viewers all around the world gasped not expecting her to be like this.
Everyone came into a mass chaos trying to find this missing “princess”. Her account blew up with questions such as, “Where do you live?”, “How long have you been like this?”, “Who is this man?”, and “How can we help?”. Rapunzel didn’t know the answer to any of these. Google’s most searched name was Rap-unzel from various questions and her viral live video. One night Rap-unzel stared at her ceiling to hungry to sleep. “It’s just another night, just stare at the moon. But I can’t help thinking about you.” Rapunzel sang. She heard a bang on her door. Not sure of what to do she grabbed her pillow and opened her door to see a man in black with the letters S.W.A.T on his chest. Rapunzel freaked out thinking this was the man she saw with what she now knows as a gun. The man just stood there looking and her greasy hair and red rimmed eyes. “Your… Your.... Your Rap-unzel. The famous rapper who is supposedly dying.”
Hearing a person talk for the first time was a startle for Rapunzel. He removed his mask to reveal his craggy face, deep brown eyes and pulled out a walkie-talkie. And then he puts it back. “Do you know who put you here?” Unable to speak from shock and water, Rapunzel just shook her head. “Have you ever seen anyone in person or know your parents?” Suddenly Rapunzel became very dazed. She saw black, and it wasn’t coming from the lack of electricity or her dark walls. For the first time she saw a person that resembled her. A beautiful woman leaning over her with rosy cheeks and curly blonde hair. A man with bright blue eyes was also leaning over her saying “You can be amazing.” While the woman also said, “Nobody can drag you down.” Then a different person came picked her up. This man looked nothing like her and had brown shaggy hair. He had green eyes and a mischievous smile. “Don’t you worry child. Everything will be alright.” In the distance there were screams and pops as his smile faded. There were three numbers on a door as he ran away with me in his arms. 193, that was the numbers on the door of the last place she called home.
Rapunzel woke up from the floor with a jolt and hit the head of the officer. “Ow. That hurt.” Remarked the officer rubbing his head. “I remember.” Rapunzel blurts. “She speaks!” announced the officer. “Well then let's hear the big news from you passing out.” “I was in a room…” “No dur.” Rapunzel glares at the man who looked like her age. “Anyway I was in a room and a man with brown hair and green eyes grabs me and starts running. He was holding a gun and as we ran away there were screams and gunshots. We ran out a door with the number 193 on it.” She describes as much as she could to the officer. The whole time he was nodding with his fist on his chin acting interested the whole time.
“Can you help me Rap-unzel? I need to know who this green eyed man is and what should I call you?” At this point they were sitting on the couch. “Just like you were saying Rapunzel. But what should I call you?” Clearly shocked the man says “Really that’s what your parents call you?” “Well I don’t know what my parents named me but the man left me various gifts with that name on it.” “My name is Hayden by the way. Do you want to stay here or do you want to see the world?”
Shocked that someone was really offering her out of this place she just sat there staring at him. “We could find your parents and the man who did this to you.” Still offering. Rapunzel looked towards the door that was on the floor and out to the empty hallway. It seemed to stretch on forever and she started hyperventilating. “It’s okay. The world can be a scary place. You could just stay here alone and eventually die or you can come with me where you can see other people and not be so lonely.” Hayden stands up and offers his hand. Unsure Rapunzel goes through many emotions and finally grabs his hand. Standing up was hard. Her legs felt like Jello and she felt like collapsing. She stood her ground as a true soldier should. And started walking towards the door. She turned around and saw Hayden smiling. She turned towards the door again and saw the man with brown shaggy hair and green eyes holding a gun. It was pointed towards Hayden.
With a shaky hand he pulls the trigger before Hayden could process everything. The bullet hits him straight in the chest. Rapunzel turns around as Hayden falls to the floor, a look of desperation in his eyes. Rapunzel did the only thing she could think of. She ran towards the man. “How dare he ruin my chance to escape? How dare he lock me in this apartment alone and start starving me? How dare he kill Hayden when all he was doing was being nice?” Rapunzel thought.
As Rapunzel caught up to the man swiftly she grabbed him by his green shirt and yanked him as far as she could. “How dare you? Why would you do this to me? To him!” Rapunzel spat out with rage. The man who looked to be in his early 30’s but still handsome looked her in the eye and said “It's not my fault, blame your parents.“ He started to raise his gun again and then the loud pop again. Except Rapunzel was still standing. Rapunzel quickly sighed in relief.
She looked over to see Hayden behind the mysterious man as he fell over. By then all of the neighbors in their apartments had locked their doors and had called the cops. Officials blared their sirens and started coming into the building. As the reached the hallway they stopped in their tracks to see a S.W.A.T officer with a dented vest and a gun along with a very pale and shocked young girl with very long blonde hair standing over a dead body. They immediately recognized Rap-Unzel and took her away in their cars to the station so she could eat and tell them everything.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hey there brooklyn193 and Happy Review Day! It's just Lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
I know I'm a bit late getting here but someone pointed me in the direction of your story and said it was worth checking out. The idea of this intrigues me (and I sort of liked it) but there's a lot of content that I have to pick through here. All o saw when I picked up this story was wall after wall of text, which is usually a big deterrent to me but I love re-written fairytales. And I soon found that the large walls of text didn't just apply to the in between things but he dialogue as well. The main character never takes a break in the middle of speaking, which if you want this to be realistic at all, needs to be added.
The dialogue is very funky and the quality of it is touch and go. This is really what I'd focus on first when going to edit because it's not very hard to spice up dialogue. The entire story is very dry and lonely but the lack of emotion in the dialogue isn't fun. I really don't have a good relationship with dialogue tags but you need to find a good balance between dialogue tags and your current formatting.
The story has also been pretty well picked through so I don't have much left to say except for this one last thing. This whole story is a good idea but it's written really immaturely. I don't mean to judge by age and experience but the entire story reads like someone is trying to tell a story but doesn't know how. And also I'm not sure how much you know about police investigations. Everything I've ever read and researched tells me that the conclusion should t be that tight and quick.
The conclusion should be the strongest point of your short story anyways, since it's the last bit the reader will see before taking judgement on your story. The conclusion needs to tie everything up but it also needs to slowly work into it, to make the end very satisfying. Just some advice for when you go to editing.
Well that's all I really have to say for now, so I'm gonna head out now. If you have any questions about this review, feel free to drop me a line.
Have a nice day.
~Lady Lizz
Hi there!
So first I wanted to say that this is an interesting modern take on this fairytale. One of my favorite things about it - even though it's a really small thing - is this.
I just really appreciate that Hayden doesn't assume Rapunzel will want to leave. Like, she's been there her whole life and might be scared to leave, and he respects that and gives her a choice (even though leaving obviously a better choice at this point).
I wanted to echo the other reviewers in suggesting you separate out your dialogue, at least each time a new character speaks. I'll just drop this here for future reference.
Also, now that you've got the basic story down, I think it's time to work more on characterization. First, Rapunzel. What first draws her to rap? Is it easy for her to learn things on her own, or does she get frustrated sometimes? Has she ever spoken to a person via the Internet? Does she have a Facebook page? What does she rap about?
Then, the man who kidnapped her. Why did he do it? What was his motivation? Why did he suddenly decide to stop taking care of her? Why did he then try to kill her rather than trying to convince her to stay? Figuring out more about Rapunzel is important mostly for characterization - so the readers will really care about her. But in the case of this man, it's more about plot. Motivation drives the plot, but we don't know what motivated him to kidnap her in the first place.
Hey! Sky here for a review. I feel like this is based on the story of Rapunzel, so we will see but the title is what caught my attention.
So for the first paragraph, I like your idea of the back story. However, it was just really sudden how she was kidnapped. The first few lines gave me the impression of her remembering her childhood in general, not just that one part. Maybe you could set the mood sooner.
Oversized should be two words.
I believe it is used not use. Also, I thought she still had wifi, so how does she not have electricity? Maybe clear that up.
"stared at her ceiling too hungry to sleep" is how it should be.
The first sentence is phrased awkwardly. I think you meant at instead of and in the second sentence.
I think you should separate the dialogue. Also, it should be written "A man with bright blue eyes was also leaning over her saying, "You can be amazing," while the woman also said, "Nobody can drag you down." Then a different person came and picker her up."
Grammatically, it should be "Ow. That hurt," remarked the officer, rubbing his head.
"I remember," Rapunzel blurts."
The rest of the story was very good. I really liked your idea here. Just a couple overall points. First, you switched tenses subtly a couple times. I do this a lot too, but just watch out for it. Second, I mentioned it before but I will just say it again. I think you should really separate your dialogue. It got pretty confusing a couple times when I was reading and I couldn't figure out who was saying what. Lastly, this all happened pretty fast. I know it's a short story but maybe you should give some more details. There were a lot of random characters that didn't impact the story.
All of the criticism aside, I think this was a very good and well written story. Keep writing
I hope this is helpful
~Sky
Hi there! This certainly drew me in. I love a good modern take on a classic fairy tale. I can imagine this being the plot for some interesting stage play, as well as a book. Just random thoughts! Your ideas are interesting and have potential, but the story seemed slightly forced and maybe slightly rushed. These characters are all thrown in, before the story abruptly ends. This dude who kidnapped Rap-unzel. His motivations behind doing it, sound interesting. So why has he done it? Thing about the little threads and pathways to other interesting ideas, that you have placed in the story, and how you can follow them up.
Some nitpicks as always. There is some changing from past tense to present tense. I noticed this at,
"she started hyperventilating. “It’s okay. The world can be a scary place. You could just stay here alone and eventually die or you can come with me where you can see other people and not be so lonely.” Hayden stands up and offers his hand. Unsure Rapunzel goes through many emotions and finally grabs his hand."
Finally "grabs" his hand?
Also scan through the story and perhaps check your use of commas,
"Rapunzel freaked out thinking this was the man she saw with what she now knows as a gun."
After "saw" there should be a comma to create a subordinate clause.
Also some of your choices of adjectives seemed a bit odd and didn't seem to flow with the rest of the text, such as,
"This baffling person."
"Microscopic people."
Apart from that though, this story was enjoyable. Keep writing!