The Messengers [Chapter One]

The night must have been confused. Instead of the sky hosting an exceptionally delicious black color across its body, a majestic navy blue took its place. The blue made the sky look a lot shallower than it really was, like it was a lake instead of an ocean. The stars shimmered dimly and refused to come out of their hiding spots behind the clouds as they shivered at the sky's new look. Even the moon had decided to change; he was covered in a sickly yellow haze as his gaze fell upon my house.

Cold wind trickled down my spine and I felt goose bumps rise on my arms, and even though my warm bed was calling me closer, something about seeing the sky like this held my gaze. The forest that stood behind my house had always seemed dark, but within the shadow of the night it looked sinister and cruel. But the wind was refreshing, and as I tasted the cold wet air on my tongue, I relaxed. I lay my elbows on the window sill and gazed out. The wind played with my brown hair, tousling it around my shoulders, and I groaned. I spent at least an hour making sure every end was perfectly straight... I placed my hands over my head to try and shield it from the wind, but it slipped between my fingers and blew the strands of hair around my face as if to prove that there was no way I could stop it. I gave up on trying. There was no one to see me tonight anyway.

I looked down at the ground underneath my window and could almost see that familiar figure waving up at me. He would’ve worn his usual red sweater, my favourite one, and his dark hair would have been lovingly blown aside by the wind, so that it framed his face perfectly. Mine, on the other hand, would look like it had been through a blender.

He still would have told me I was pretty. He would’ve laughed as I tried to climb down the side of my house, and he would have been there to catch me if I fell. The memories stung in my mind, and felt so real that I could hear his voice calling out for me still. He was unreachable now, and I had to get used to it.

My eyes flickered back to that spot every now and then though as I hoped he realized that we were perfect for each other soon enough.

My cheeks were getting numb from the cold, and my vision blurred. I sighed and closed the window; I was tired. I walked away and lay on my bed. The night was a perfect shade of dark blue and I regretted closing the window immediately. After some hesitation, I ran back to the window and opened it wide. I wrapped myself in my bed sheets and closed my eyes. I was concentrating on slowing my heartbeat down. Eventually I lost feeling in my left leg, then my right. I felt my arms relax by my sides, and my breathing slowed. The chaos in my head was silent now, like the calm before the storm. I knew I was almost unconscious as I sank deeper and deeper.

An explosion of blue light spread across the sky and created a wave of sound that rippled through the air. When it hit my house, my room shook with such a violent force that I fell out of my bed and landed flat on my back. I muffled back a scream, curled into a ball and waited for it to stop. Books fell off of their shelves and crashed around me as I tucked my head closer to my chest. The smaller I was, the less of a chance there was that I would get hit. Suddenly I was aware of every heavy object that I had in my room. I remembered at least ten hardcover books, three soccer trophies, and a bowling ball. I almost heard it rattling and rolling off the side, directly above where I was huddled.

How do you survive an earthquake?! I shouted at myself. The answer snapped into my mind just as loud as I crawled on my hands and knees towards the desk against the far wall. I curled underneath it, wrapping my arms around my head protectively and I held my breath.

Finally the tremors stopped and my body managed to stay together in one piece. I cautiously lifted my head and took a look around me. I saw where I had been before, and now the bowling ball was in my place. It had fallen off the shelf just like I thought it would, and embedded itself in my floor. I shivered in horror when I realized how close that had been from being my head. I crawled towards my window sill again and looked up. Only a light blue haze remained in the sky, but just as my heart beat started to measure was when my eyes fixed on the white figure inside the blue light.

What is that? I wondered.

Whatever it was, it was stunning. Slowly, it swirled towards Earth like a falling star, glimmering in absolute brilliance. I strained my neck to get a closer look at it and leaned my head forward. Bursts of vivid lights shone from it=s body as it tumbled to the ground head first. I watched it fall more rapidly as it sliced through the air and vanished behind the trees, deep into the forest. I imagined the size of the hole it must have left when it hit the ground, and it looked like something along the lines of the Grand Canyon.

I was so dazzled that I didn’t do anything except listen to my own harsh breathing for a few minutes. Then I slunk back under the desk and put my head in my hands. I waited for another tremor, an explosion, or a powerful storm. I was waiting for the end of the world.

About an hour had passed, and frankly my legs were in a really uncomfortable position. I stretched a little and walked out of my room, backwards. My eyes still didn’t dare leave the window until I had to, only to make sure I didn’t accidentally fall down the stairs.

I ambled along and stopped at my brother’s room. Kevin’s door was slightly ajar, but I opened the gap more by pushing it with my foot. The hinges squeaked loudly and swung the door so roughly that the doorknob smacked into the wall. I cursed under my breath as I looked for my brother’s figure in the dark. There wasn’t anything that I could see. I stood there for a couple of seconds to let my eyes adjust, then took a couple steps to the side of his bed so that I could properly check for any damage.

Brown hair covered the top half of his pillow and his cheek was squished against the bottom half. Kevin’s mouth was hanging wide open and he was breathing nosily, reminding me of a drowning fish. His blue eyes were closed and his arms and legs were sprawled out, but there was no sign of blood. I breathed a sigh of relief, he was okay. His floor I couldn’t say the same about though. Sports trophies and magazines littered the ground in a way that Kevin would have hated. Any sort of disarray that he saw would make him feverishly clean and organize until everything had its own glow. I made sure to pick everything up and put back in its proper place before he woke up and freaked.

I looked at him again as I walked out of his bedroom and tried to force back a giggle. No one else could look so peaceful, but at the same time look as stupid as Kevin did when he was sleeping.

I walked past my parent’s room and glanced inside. The moonlight from their window traced out two bodies lying underneath the bed sheets, rising and falling with each breath. I poked my head in and inspected their room. Surprisingly, everything was in place. Satisfied, I quietly made my way downstairs and into the kitchen. I sat down at the table and put my head in my hands. A blue bird sang joyfully in the distance to signal the coming morning, like it would have every morning.

Had this been a dream? I doubted.

But the proof ruled out my proposition. Of course it did, how else I would explain the utter disaster my room was in. But I was still unsure. If it had been true, how come no one else had noticed it? The night went on as if it had been undisturbed. Kevin didn’t wake up, my parents didn’t wake up, and no one noticed. Was I the only witness? My desire for answers clouded my thoughts until all I could think about was the falling star. I knew what I wanted. I stood up and walked towards the closet by the backdoor. On the top shelf, there was a flashlight tucked in the corner. Two pink rain boots sat in front of me and I slipped them on quickly. Putting on my blue jacket I unlocked my front door and stepped outside into the dark.

The icy wind bit at my nose and whistled past my ears. I knew in the back of my mind that this was a stupid idea, but curiosity propelled me forward until it was impossible to turn back. Every step was immediately following the previous one, until I was well past the entrance into the forest and my house was hard to see past all the trees. I listened to my feet crunching on the ground, and the sound seemed to melt in a pleasant melody with the cricket=s chirping in the grass. I kept walking.

Mosquitoes circled around me with interest, but didn’t dare come closer than a few feet. When they did get braver, they flew towards me and purred in my ear. I tried to swat them away with my hands, but instead of flying away they kept diving around me like kamikaze jet pilots. I swore I could almost hear them laughing as they landed on my arms. I ran forward as fast as I could, hoping to run too fast for them to catch up. I whipped the flashlight behind me to look, when something caught my foot and I was hurled towards the ground. There was a satisfying splat as I hit the wet mud. I lay on my stomach for a few moments before I turned my head to the side and looked behind me. I rolled my eyes. It was a just an overgrown tree root.

Grumbling, I stood up and assessed the damage. There was a huge mud stain on the front of my yellow shirt, and both legs were covered in the wet brown sludge. I swore and tried to wipe some of it away, but it spread out and sunk deeper into my shirt. I whimpered in frustration and ignored it, because after all I had sacrificed already, there was no way I was turning back.

All the trees looked the same. I couldn’t remember what direction I took when there was a fork in the road, and I didn’t even know how to get back to them. I knew I was really deep in the forest, but it felt like I was walking in circles.

Another hour past, but all I could think about was a shower. My hair was ruffled, my clothes were caked with mud and my face was splattered with dirt. For once, I hoped that he didn't’t decide that tonight was the night to take me back and find me wandering around the forest instead. I sighed, and immediately took that back. If he did decide to go on a walk this late, or if anyone did, I could’ve asked them for help. Why didn’t I wait until morning to go look for it? It wasn't=t as if it had legs and could walk away. I stopped dead in my tracks. What if it did?

The thought made the hairs on my arms prickle. Could it really be alive? Flashes of the white orb of light falling from the sky swam in front of my eyes. Nothing could’ve survived that fall, not a chance; unless this was something different. I shivered, my hand gripped tighter around the flashlight. I continued to walk on as I scanned the forest carefully. I must be deep into the woods by now, I felt like I had been walking for months. My legs were screaming for me to stop and rest, but my heart was slamming too hard in my chest for me to relax. I tried focusing on the night’s noises to comfort me and keep me company.

That=s when I realized that the forest had gone deadly silent. I stopped again and tried to listen carefully. It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop, even the mosquitoes had suddenly vanished. What was wrong, had everything disappeared? Or maybe, had everything been running away? I walked faster. The wind stopped blowing the leaves in the trees and brushing past my cheek, and that’s when I realized that there had been no wind. Everything was standing still, motionless.

My arms were prickling and I wanted to scream, but instead I kept a steady hand on my flashlight and focused on keeping to the trail. If I went off of it into the trees I could end up anywhere, and rescue was less likely. I suddenly wished for some pepper spray or my dad’s old handgun. My vulnerability scared me, and I felt like I had a huge target on my back as I walked along.

I batted my eyelashes to try to force the tears back like an unwanted house guest. I felt a different pair of eyes look at me for a while now, and it made me more terrified than ever. I was being stalked.

The flashlight still searched all the bushes and trees, but I could see nothing. It was only when I occasionally heard a twig snap under an unseen foot was when I jumped out of my skin. When I heard it the fourth time, all my desire for answers died and I whipped around and ran back along the path. The trees blurred around me as I ran as fast as I could, but I felt the eyes following me with every step. My breathing was harsh and I could feel adrenaline pumping through my veins, sending it all to my legs to make them move faster.

I saw something whirl by me from the corner of my eye, and I yelped. Now it was on my left side, and it was closer now. I screamed until my voice gave out and I prayed I was close to home. Just when I thought I made a good distance between the danger and myself, I tripped. My heart stopped when I realized it was the same tree root again. I scrambled to get up, but something growled deeply in my ear, a kind of hungry and fierce noise. I froze as I could feel its hot breath on my face, and I tried to scream again but the dark ate at the edges of my vision, swallowing it whole and knocking all consciousness out of me.

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Elelel
Review
Elelel wrote a review · Sat Jan 24, 2009 6:59 am

Hello! I'm El, and I will be critiquing your work.

Overall I liked it! You had some good description and some intriguing ideas!

The night must have been confused.


I liked this idea, that the night would be confused. And it works well as an opening sentence. Intriguing, and gives you something to expand on.

Instead of the sky hosting an exceptionally delicious black color across its body, a majestic navy blue took its place.


Like the idea, but I think you've used a few too many words in this. It slows things down. "Exceptionally" doesn't really need to be there. Especially since this black is imaginary and isn't actually there. It's hard to describe something that isn't there as "exceptional". Also you've got this little pattern going with "a delicious black" and "a majestic navy blue". The thing about colours is that we all know what colour they are. It's sort of the point. While little extra words can really help them, you don't need them all the time. I mean, we've all got a pretty good idea of what colour you mean just from "black" or "navy blue".

You do it again with "sickly yellow" ... but I like the idea that the moon looks sickly, so don't mess with that one. Hehe.

Cold wind trickled down my spine and I felt goose bumps rise on my arms, and even though my warm bed was calling me closer, something about seeing the sky like this held my gaze. The forest that stood behind my house had always seemed dark, but within the shadow of the night it looked sinister and cruel. But the wind was refreshing, and as I tasted the cold wet air on my tongue, I relaxed.


You use a different senses in your descriptions, which is great. You have a lot of the sense of touch, eg, "cold wind", "goose bumps", "warm bed", "the wind was refreshing". And your character tastes "the cold wet air". It all helps build a stronger picture. Thumbs up!

I looked down at the ground underneath my window and could almost see that familiar figure waving up at me. He would’ve worn his usual red sweater, my favourite one, and his dark hair would have been lovingly blown aside by the wind, so that it framed his face perfectly. Mine, on the other hand, would look like it had been through a blender.
He still would have told me I was pretty. He would’ve laughed as I tried to climb down the side of my house, and he would have been there to catch me if I fell. The memories stung in my mind, and felt so real that I could hear his voice calling out for me still. He was unreachable now, and I had to get used to it.
My eyes flickered back to that spot every now and then though as I hoped he realized that we were perfect for each other soon enough.


This is interesting! First I assumed that whatever relationship these two had, it was over. I was curious about what happened. Then I wondered if maybe it was all wishful thinking on her part, and maybe the boy never really came to her window, but she often imagined he did. Which was also interesting. And then she thinks "I hoped he realized that we were perfect for each other soon enough" which set of needy-stalker-girl alarm bells. I don't know if she is or not ... but she did come across that way just there. And that's not necessarily a bad thing (unless you didn't intend it) because it makes her character more interesting. Anyway. All those possibilities are interesting.

I walked away and lay on my bed.


"Walked away" seems a little ... wrong. You could say "walked to my bed" or something instead. Or even if you just added to it a little and said "I walked away from my window and lay on my bed" or "over to my bed". Or something. It just threw me a bit. "Walking away" always brings to my mind an exit or a large distance or a no-actual-destination sort of walk. (although that could just be me).

After some hesitation, I ran back to the window and opened it wide. I wrapped myself in my bed sheets and closed my eyes.


Is she standing by the window wrapped in bed sheets? Or is she back in bed, wrapped in bed sheets? I got confused.

Eventually I lost feeling in my left leg, then my right.


... is that ... normal? Losing feeling in limbs? Relaxing limbs ... yes ... but losing feeling in them?

How do you survive an earthquake?! I shouted at myself.


I'm a little confused here. Is she actually shouting this? Or is she shouting it in her mind? Because if she's actually shouting it you need quotation marks, and if she's not then that description is a bit awkward. It would be "to" instead of "at", and, anyway, you don't need "I shouted to myself" at all. If there are no quotation marks then we'll just assume it's a thought. I mean, it's in first person anyway.

What is that? I wondered.


Same deal with tagging it. You don't really need the "I wondered".

Slowly, it swirled towards Earth like a falling star, glimmering in absolute brilliance.


First, falling stars don't really do much swirling. They're lumps of rock, not leaves. Second, "glimmering" means "a faint or unsteady light" (courtesy of www.dictionary.com), which doesn't really match up with "absolute brilliance". (It's a good description if you change those words though).

I imagined the size of the hole it must have left when it hit the ground, and it looked like something along the lines of the Grand Canyon.


If she's right and it is the size of the Grand Canyon it would have produced one hell of a shock wave.

My eyes still didn’t dare leave the window until I had to, only to make sure I didn’t accidentally fall down the stairs.


"Accidentally" is a bit redundant. It's obvious that falling down the stairs in this context would be an accident, without it being pointed out.

I ambled along and stopped at my brother’s room.


"Ambled" seems a bit carefree for this situation.

I made sure to pick everything up and put back in its proper place before he woke up and freaked.


She's not really in a hurry then to check on her parents or find the falling figure, is she?

Had this been a dream? I doubted.


If you meant this as a sort of "I thought" tag, then a) like with the others you don't need it, and b) I don't know if you can doubt things like you say them. If you meant it as an answer to the "had this been a dream?" question then you might want to say "I doubted it" or something, because it confused me.

But the proof ruled out my proposition. Of course it did, how else I would explain the utter disaster my room was in.


This is a bit awkward. You could say "But if it was, how did my room get so messy?" (ok, "Get so messy" was a bit lame, but you know what I mean). And I don't think "the utter disaster my room was in" entirely makes sense. The room could be a "disaster area" or "in a state of disaster" though.

Every step was immediately following the previous one, until I was well past the entrance into the forest and my house was hard to see past all the trees.


This gave me the impression the character was walking backwards. Perhaps "Each step was followed by another" or something?

I listened to my feet crunching on the ground, and the sound seemed to melt in a pleasant melody with the cricket=s chirping in the grass.


This is good. Describing what's happening through the sounds she's hearing. I really like how you include senses other than sight.

It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop, even the mosquitoes had suddenly vanished.


The "pin drop" line is too overused to be effective. You might want to think of something different to describe the silence.

The wind stopped blowing the leaves in the trees and brushing past my cheek, and that’s when I realized that there had been no wind.


This confused me. There had been no wind? Since when? Since it stopped blowing the leaves a few seconds before she realises that? Maybe it's just me though.

I batted my eyelashes to try to force the tears back like an unwanted house guest.


The "unwanted house guest" thing is a good idea, but you phrased it awkwardly. I was confused whether the tears were supposed to be like the unwanted house guest, or the character was.

I scrambled to get up, but something growled deeply in my ear, a kind of hungry and fierce noise.


Ditch “kind of”. It adds nothing, and takes away from the immediate danger of the situation. That sentence would be far more urgent without it.

ONE MOMENT:

Ok, the thing is, I like what you’ve done with the bit where she’s getting stalked. I like how you described that unreasonable-panicky feeling:

My arms were prickling and I wanted to scream, but instead I kept a steady hand on my flashlight and focused on keeping to the trail. If I went off of it into the trees I could end up anywhere, and rescue was less likely. I suddenly wished for some pepper spray or my dad’s old handgun. My vulnerability scared me, and I felt like I had a huge target on my back as I walked along.


And I like your prickly oh-noes-we’re-in-trouble! moments. However. I think you need to structure this bit a little better. It might help with the impact.

Why didn’t I wait until morning to go look for it? It wasn't=t as if it had legs and could walk away. I stopped dead in my tracks. What if it did?


This is your first prickly oh-noes-we’re-in-trouble! moment. Which is good. I don’t have a problem with it (other than the weird = thing. Was that your computer being weird?).

NEXT she gets more and more creeped out by things. Where have the bugs gone? Why are there no forest noises? What happened to the wind? You’ve got a few awkwardly phrased bits in here (I pointed out a few earlier), but overall the idea is working.

THEN!

I batted my eyelashes to try to force the tears back like an unwanted house guest. I felt a different pair of eyes look at me for a while now, and it made me more terrified than ever. I was being stalked.


Omigosh! She’s being stalking by something!

But ... really she’s just a bit creeped out, right? Feeling like someone is watching you isn’t exactly concrete evidence for being stalked. Scary, but you’re wasting your Moment, because ...

It was only when I occasionally heard a twig snap under an unseen foot was when I jumped out of my skin. When I heard it the fourth time, all my desire for answers died and I whipped around and ran back along the path.


This should be it! Here is your concrete evidence that, actually, yes, something scary is going on. This should be your moment. (But ditch the “occasionally”, because that takes away the suddenness and the immediate danger). The thing is, this moment loses its impact because you’ve already used the statement “I was being stalked”. That statement sounds like it should herald the Official Beginning of Being In Serious Danger.

Also, if it were me, I wouldn’t wait for four twigs to snap, I'd be out of there the first time (but I’m a wus, maybe your character isn’t).

For more impact, you could even release the tension just before the twig snapping bit, instead of her feeling like she’s being stalked. Then it’s a bit more “oh, it’s all ok! Everyone relax. AH! SCARINESS!”. You know, impact.

However ... there is the minor issue of the Scary Movie Rules. Because building and releasing tension works so well it’s done a lot, and can be a bit predictable. For example, in a scary movie rule number 2 is: It’s Never The Monster The First Time (cue: cute, fuffy bunny jumps out of a bush and you relax). Rule number 3 is: But The Second Time It Gets You (cue: monster falls on your head). So ... yeah. It's been done, but that's because it works. It's something for you to think about at any rate.

(In case you’re interested, scary movie rule number 1 is: Never Say “this place gives me the creeps!” or “let’s get the hell out of here!”. If those lines were left unsaid, it is possible that many horror movies would never have happened)

Anyway! Good work! I like it. I think your main technical issue is that you can get a little awkward with your descriptions. That should fix itself up with practice. I wrote some amazingly awkward stuff a while back, but I'm a lot better now. I think my blog really helped me with that. I wrote in it all the time and all that writing helped with sentence flow and stuff. Anyway, at the same time, I like your descriptions. You use different senses and interesting comparisons. So keep that up!

I think the first part of your story might have moved a little slowly. I liked that you didn't rush through it, but at the same time I think your character spent too much time looking around her house. It made it seem less urgent. There were some interesting things to explore though. Like, you introduced her brother and that guy in the red sweater. They were interesting. But when she got into the forest I think you did a pretty good job with tension. If you worked on the structure of it I think you could make it more effective, but overall it was good.

One last thing ... does your main character have a name? I can't remember it being used, but I have to say I didn't really notice the lack-of-name. You could consider throwing it in somewhere. I mean, she's the main character. She's going to need a name at some point ... unless she died at the end there ... I'm just assuming she doesn't because it's in first person.

Anyway! Good luck with further writing! Hope I helped somewhat.

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Flux
Review
Flux wrote a review · Sat Jan 24, 2009 12:15 am

Only a light blue haze remained in the sky, but just as my heart beat started to measure was when my eyes fixed on the white figure inside the blue light.


So, I was a little confused by this. I think it should be: "Only a light blue haze remained in the sky, but just as my heart beat start to measure my eyes fixed on the figure figure inside the blue light."

The hinges squeaked loudly and swung the door so roughly that the doorknob smacked into the wall.


I think that it's just a little mixed up, this sentence. I think it should be: "The hinges squeaked so loudly, and the door swung so roughly that the doorknob smacked into the wall.

Other than that the only errors I found were the equal signs, and a few improper apostophes.

But, the fact is, I loved this. At first, the description of the moon and the night sky was amazing! But as I kept reading, my curiosity kept growing. But, don't force description out. It seemed like for everything you said she did, you were trying to describe. It's good, but don't force descriptions. I can't really describe it.

Pm me please when you finish the next chapter and it's posted. I really would like to read more about this! One gold star for you! :D

LaReina!

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brittany867 Comment

thanks !
haha, im just happy someone likes it.
i'll definately let you know when i have the second chapter out

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Deifyance
Review

This....Is....AMAZING!

I thought it was wonderful, write the next one fast!

I couldn't find any errors except the = instead of the '


Awesome job, please P.M. me the link to the next one. If anything, keep writing this for me!

Ok, im going go calm down now, awesome writing, see ya around.



A thing of beauty is a joy forever; its loveliness increases...
— John Keats