the stars mean a lot of things to a lot of people.
as letter make words
as ingredients create food
as sand expands the shore
so the stars connect me to You.
and if I think of the constellations
timeless and infinite
i blush because
i think the same way about how
Your hand brushes my shoulder
And dips around my waist
spread out on the grass
no clouds
just night
no sounds
just You
we gaze
You point
i smile
and if i could picture a night better spent
it may include a trip to the moon
i have this crazy idea
we’d be closer to Orion
or Virgo
and that would bring us closer
as books always end
as stores always close
as children always grow
so the sun will rise on us.
and if you think I’ll get over You
while you’re off exploring
and learning
and discovering
You have underestimated the buring
passion that initially drew me in
on the hood of Your truck
no clouds
just night
no sounds
just You
we gaze
You point
i cry
as rivers run
as clocks tick
as roads wind on
so will we continue on.
and when i see You again
after the constellations have circled
i know we’ll enjoy our time together
spotting Draco
or Taurus
and distance won’t mean a thing
now i’m alone on my front porch
no clouds
just night
no sounds
just me
i gaze
i wonder
and i miss You
the stars mean a lot of things to a lot of people
but
for me they allude only to
You.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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I like where you went with the constellations; I haven't heard that relation before, so it was an interesting change. Also, the reader can easily understand the feelings behind the poem which I think enhances the meaning.
The first thing that I would look at is punctuation. I won't go through and tell you what I think should go where l, but I will say that I think the poem would be helped by using it. If outlining the punctuation would help, feel free to pm me, I just thought it would clutter the review. The punctuation, I think, would add to the flow. Having those pauses can add a more rhythmic quality to it.
The second thing I would look at it is breaking up the line "stars mean a lot of things to a lot of people". In the places you say this it seems rather rushed or forced. I might break it into two lines. So, for example, "stars mean a lot of things/to a lot of people". I think it adds to the flow of the poem. Additionally I think it separates the ideas of that line: the different meanings and the different people.
The only thing I have left is just a question. Is there a reason you capitalized "You" throughout the poem but left "i" lowercase? (I'm wondering if there was a stylistic or another reason for it. Basically just curiosity.)
--Grey
This is a very interesting poem. ^_^
I don't read poetry much, or write it, so this may not be a very good review.
The I's should be capitalized, but if it is your writing style, I completely understand.
I really like how you related to other things (again, I don't know about poetry) and inserting the constellations in was great as well.
The one thing that bothered me (this is not about your writing, just the way it is formatted) was that I had to almost scroll the words horizontally. I don't know why, but it can be fixed.
Hope I helped, again, I don't write or read muc poetry so it may not have helped at all.
But it was a very nice poem, at least I thought so!