Archive

Hello, branching, and welcome to YWS! It's been a very long time since I've reviewed anything, but your title caught my eye. I'm a student worker at my university's archives and special collections and a hoarder to boot! But let's get into it, shall we?

First off, I love the description. It's succinct, it tells the readers the subject of the piece, and it draws folks in with relatable content. My first thought while reading this was that I wanted the moments with each object to be more drawn-out. We're given one to three sentences on each thing, but the primary goal here seems to be to emphasize the multitude of mementos rather than the individual ones. That's an effective storytelling device, but it begins to feel more like a summary. My creative writing professor recommends writing out scenes to draw the reader in. A scene isn't necessarily the sort you see in a play--I'm talking about expanding one of these paragraphs into a full-fledged piece with dialogue (if you want), setting, and inner thoughts from the protagonist. Make us care about this girl! She doesn't have a name, so there's some extra legwork that needs to be put in.
I should say that I do like the anonymity. It means we can project ourselves onto her, which is often an effective literary device in short stories.

So summary isn't a bad thing. It has a place in creative writing as an exposition device or a way to distance the reader from the character. However, this story seems to want to keep the reader close. It appeals to them in the description, does it not?

My recommendation would be to pick out three objects and expand on them. Show us how she got them, show us how she lingers over the details--perhaps the intricate facial features of the Statue of Liberty in her snow globe? Maybe the iridescence of the wrist band, or how long it took her to get it off.

Another matter that scene-writing would resolve would be the matter of the boy. We don't know him, and he's only there for a paragraph. He may not matter in the grand scheme of the piece, but it's a romantic relationship that is largely brushed under the carpet in favor of moving on to talk about the other things she collects. Maybe talk about how she finds that tin later on? Is she still in a relationship with him at this point or has she finally let go?

And finally, the supernatural element. I'm not entirely against it, but you haven't convinced me of its place in the story yet. It feels sudden; nothing led up to the creature's sentience.

Literal or metaphorical, there needs to be build-up to the introduction of the unreal. Pepper in a few details here and there through the piece that imply but don't confirm that there's something more serious than hoarding going on here. Let us pick up on some threads that come together at the end in that ominous final scene!

Overall, this was a fascinating read and there's a lot of potential in it! There are so many ways you could take this! If you do end up revising this, please let me know because I would be delighted to give it another read. Thank you for submitting this, and thank you for reading my review! Have a wonderful day!

Regards,

Ljungtroll

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well this was quite the little tale here. A simple little idea explored in a nice intriguing new direction. I think it makes for quite a fun little tale here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The girl placed her new snow globe on her empty shelf, forever commemorating her trip to New York. She replicates this exercise for many other trips she takes over the years. Her shelf is now excellently occupied with her favorite knick-knacks.

The girl has a wonderful day at the beach. She can’t let the day go. So, she tapes the entrance wrist band on her closet door. Then, the girl has a great day at an arcade. Next to the wrist band is now a card with silly graphics. After many good days, her closet door fills up nicely. Ticket stubs, scribbled-on notebook paper, photos. All crucial.

The girl meets a boy. A wonderful boy. She keeps his notes in a tin. He keeps nothing of hers. The notes come less frequently. So, the tin now includes candy wrappers he used, receipts of meals eaten together. The boy is too good to let go. The tin must be pushed firmly to close.

The girl flips through her room full of memories. She realizes it takes her some time to remember when a festival ticket was used or where a certain picture was taken. Perhaps the girl must limit herself. She surveys her spoils. Makes a meager pile of artifacts she is willing to part with. She catalogs the rest. A short description now accompanies each item, ensuring she never lets them go.

The girl continues her new practice of writing dates and context. All the more reason to continue holding on. She has run out of shelves and doors and tins. She fills up journal after journal. She tiptoes around her messy floor. She avoids touching the threatening piles. She forces people on tours of her life within her sacred 150 square feet.

The girl notices her mounds moving. She’s paranoid. Her mind is cluttered. Weeks-old sticky notes reminding her of appointments that have passed fill her desk. But still, there’s a movement. Up and down.

Breathing.

Each day, her heaps take on more life. The shape of limbs became apparent. Childish gurgles escape the lips made up of old clay projects. The girl learns to communicate with her past. They now reminisce together. She loses her fear.

But, the creature takes up more and more of her space. She sits in a corner, making room. And like the monster under her bed, the ghost in the mirror, or the figures in the dark, the clutter devours her.

At least her life was well recorded.

Step One: First impressions

I know all too well the trouble of hanging onto clutter or memorabilia from the past. I have Accumulated so many things over the years that now throwing a limb away scenes like as if I was to throw away a piece of myself.

Step Two: Constructive Criticism

I've noticed throughout the story that you switch from Present Tense to Past Tense a few times. This is a little jarring and can mess with the flow of the story. It seems as though the story is Primarily written in the present tense, so I'm going to treat it as if this was your intention.

The girl placed her new snow globe on her empty shelf, forever commemorating her trip to New York.

She replicates this exercise for many other trips she takes over the years.

Her shelf is now excellently occupied with her favorite knick-knacks.

So, the tin now includes candy wrappers he used, receipts of meals eaten together.

The shape of limbs became apparent.